Today I took the Atlantis Submarine tour out of the Hawaiian Hilton Hotel. This tour was superb. First you leave from Waikiki and they take you out on a boat to rendezvous with a submarine that is waiting. You want to be sure to get there early and try to take the earliest tour if you can because then you have the best chance to see sharks and other cool fish. Once everybody boards the submarine they take you down to a depth of 100 feet deep. While down there you get to see some of the sea restoration projects they have going on where a couple ships, a plane, and scaffolding were sunk in order to create an artificial reef. Here are a few photos from my experience.
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New Tax Law
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.’, ‘Effective January 1, 2005, the male penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:
12+” Capital Gains $50.00
10-12″ Luxury Tax $30.00
8-10″ Pole Tax $25.00
5-8″ Privilege Tax $15.00
4-5″ Nuisance Tax $3.00
<4″ Elegible for a refund Please do not ask for an extension!
IRS Note: We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:
Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
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“Somebody” Knows Jack About Motherhood
military “boot camp.”
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Make Time for Loved Ones
After 21 years of marriage, My wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.” The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.’, ‘That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie.”What’s wrong, are you well,” she asked? My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. “I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,” I responded. “Just the two of us.” She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I would like that very much.” That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel”s. “I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed,” she said, as she got into the car. “They can”t wait to hear about our meeting.”
We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. “It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,” she said. “Then it”s time that you relax and let me return the favor,” I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other”s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, “I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.” I agreed.
“How was your dinner date?” asked my wife when I got home. “Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered. A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn”t have a chance to do anything for her. Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: “I paid this bill in advance. I wasn”t sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates – one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son.” At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: “I LOVE YOU” and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till “some other time.”
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Classic Schwartzkopf Quote
In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
His answer was classic Schwartzkopf. The General said, I believe that forgiving them is God’s function. Our job is to arrange the meeting.
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Happy Easter
We here at The Kumachan want to wish each of you a very happy Easter holiday. Be sure to keep an eye out for what kind of chocolate eggs you are eating. We are yet to find a bunny large enough to lay chocolate eggs and even if there are bunnies that big, we still haven”t found a bunny that lays eggs. Bunnies only seem to leave on thing behind and they”re not eggs. They”re bunny berries! Have a Happy Holiday.
The Kumachan Staff
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The Real Health Hazard? Reading Too Much
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat..
8 days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; This morning I stopped reading.
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Toast of the Night
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer & said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the corner. He chuckled and said, “John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.” She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.
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IRS Genie
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He”s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This one is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There”s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
“Well, cowboy,” says the genie “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”
“I”m not falling for this.” said the cowboy. “I”m not going to trust an IRS genie.”
“Whatta got ta lose? You”ve got no transportation , and it looks like you”re a goner anyway!”
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he”s surrounded by jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
“OK, cowpoke, what”s your second wish?”
“My second wish is that I am rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
“OK, cowpuncher, ya got just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”
***POOF***
He”s turned into a tampon.
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Government Job
A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?” “Yes,” he says. “I was in Vietnam for three years”.
The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes 100%…a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”
The interviewer tells the guy, “O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.”
The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.‚ then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?”
“This is a government job” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls…….no point in you coming in for that.
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One Smart Gator
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I cain”t unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger ”n me. We”re the same age, we wuz the same size as kids. I just don”t get it.”
“Well,” said the big ”gator, “what ya been eatin” boy?”
“Politicians, same”s you,” replied the small gator.
“Hmm. Well, where ya catch ”em?”
“Down ”tother side the swamp near the parkin” lot, by the capitol.”
“Same here. Hmm. How ya catch ”em?”
“Well, I crawls up under one ”em Lexus and wait fer ”em to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab ”em on the leg, shake the shit out”em, and eat”em!”
“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see yer problem. You ain”t gettin” any real nourshment. See, by time you done shakin” the shit outta politician, there ain”t nothin” left but an asshole and a briefcase!
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How To Avoid The Flu
- Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
- Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
- Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
- Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
- Wash your hands often. If you can”t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
- Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
- Get plenty of rest.
- Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
or
Think about it. When you go in for a shot, what do they do first? They clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs.
so……
- I walk to the liquor store (exercise).
- I put lime in my Corona (fruit).
- Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggie).
- Drink outdoor at the patio bar (fresh air).
- Get drunk, tell jokes, laugh (relieve stress).
- Then pass out (rest).
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can’t get you! Cheers! “It’s five o’clock somewhere!
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2005 college football Hawaii vs Michigan State
In 2004, the University of Hawaii with their superstars of Timmy Chang and Chad Owens, beat Michigan State in Hawaii. For the 2005 season, Hawaii will have to find 30 new member replacements for their losses of players they suffered in 2004. This year Hawaii is going to Michigan. It will be nice to watch Michigan State kick the living hell out of Hawaii and let these crappy WAC teams know they just aren’t on the same level as schools in other conferences.
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Happy Valentine’s Day!
Don’t forget to get that special someone something sweet or romantic today. In case you don’t have a special someone then perhaps you may need to buy a jar of vasoline or batteries, either way have a great day!
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A Mother Suspects
Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian”s mother couldn”t help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian”s room mate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and stephanie, than met the eye. Reading his mom”s thoughts, Brian volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just room mates.”
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Brian said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her am e-mail just to be sure.” So he sat down! and wrote:
Dear Mother:
I’m not saying that you “did” take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you “did not” take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Stephanie, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
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2005 Superbowl Prediction
With the Superbowl coming up, now is the chance to make a prediction. This year the predictions should be extremely easy. As you may or may not know it is going to be the Philidelphia Eagles versus the New England Patriots. Now if we take a look at their past track records we can clearly see that the Eagles completely suck in the post season by usually dying in the first round, where as the Patriots have won the Superbowl 4 out of the past 5 years. This year the Superbowl seems like it is a given that the Patriots will win, however the Patriots never seem to completely destroy teams. They usually keep the scores pretty close. My final prediction is that the Patriots will beat the Eagles by a touchdown.
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President Bush’s Inaugural Speech Summary
This document will cover the key points of the 2005 presidential inaugural speech that was given by George W. Bush in January 2005. Within the Presidential speech you may or may not have heard key points that were a bit confusing. This document will try to mitigate any confusion by spelling it out in plain English.’, ‘The first key point the President made was about the success of liberty in America depends on the success of liberty in foreign lands. By saying this President Bush was simply stating that anybody who opposes our way of life would have to contend with the stern hand of America. Anybody who is willing to accept democracy the United States will be there to support them in becoming a free nation. The second key point that was being made was about human rights. The point being made was that if you accept our views on human rights you will see the US is more than just, however if you want to defy the US’s views on human rights and you will see how much of a burden you will be bringing on yourself. The President identifies what he believes are clear examples of immoral acts of human rights. He tried to identify how human rights would never be upheld without liberty and by stating the message is not only being sent out to rulers of other nations, but to the followers of the rulers. It takes everybody to make these sets of ideals to be upheld. Another key point I believe the President was trying to make was that the US has taken on great responsibilities by taking the lead as a nation to step up and do what other countries weren’t willing to do and for the US to keep doing this there needs to be sacrifices made for one’s country.
In conclusion, the President’s speech was directed at focusing on the ideals he believes Americans are most concerned with and ultimately will unite everyone with one common bond.
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C-130 Pilot’s Story
“There I was at six thousand feet over central Iraq, two hundred eighty knots and we”re dropping faster than Paris Hilton”s panties. It”s a typical September evening in the Persian Gulf; hotter than a rectal thermometer and I”m sweating like a priest at a Cub Scout meeting. But that”s neither here nor there. The night is moonless over Baghdad tonight, and blacker than a Steven King novel. But it”s 2004, folks, and I”m sporting the latest in night-combat technology – namely, hand-me-down night vision goggles (NVGs) thrown out by the fighter boys.”‘, ‘”Additionally, my 1962 Lockheed C-130E Hercules is equipped with an obsolete, yet, semi-effective missile warning system (MWS). The MWS conveniently makes a nice soothing tone in your headset just before the missile explodes into your airplane. Who says you can”t polish a turd?”
“At any rate, the NVGs are illuminating Baghdad International Airport like the Las Vegas Strip during a Mike Tyson fight. These NVGs are the cat”s ass. But I”ve digressed.”
“The preferred method of approach tonight is the random shallow. This tactical maneuver allows the pilot to ingress the landing zone in an unpredictable manner, thus exploiting the supposedly secured perimeter of the airfield in an attempt to avoid enemy surface-to-air-missiles and small
arms fire. Personally, I wouldn”t bet my pink ass on that theory but the approach is fun as hell and that”s the real reason we fly it.”
“We get a visual on the runway at three miles out, drop down to one thousand feet above the ground, still maintaining two hundred eighty knots. Now the fun starts. It”s pilot appreciation time as I descend the mighty Herk to six hundred feet and smoothly, yet very deliberately, yank into a sixty degree left bank, turning the aircraft ninety degrees offset from runway heading. As soon as we roll out of the turn, I reverse turn to the right a full two hundred seventy degrees in order to roll out aligned with the runway. Some aeronautical genius coined this maneuver the “Ninety/Two-Seventy.” Chopping the power during the turn, I pull back on the yoke just to the point my nether regions start to sag, bleeding off energy in order to configure the pig for landing.”
“Flaps Fifty!, Landing Gear Down!, Before Landing Checklist!” I look over at the copilot and he”s shaking like a cat shitting on a sheet of ice. Looking further back at the navigator, and even through the NVGs, I can clearly see the wet spot spreading around his crotch. Finally, I glance at
my steely-eyed flight engineer. His eyebrows rise in unison as a grin forms on his face. I can tell he”s thinking the same thing I am…. “Where do we find such fine young men?”
“Flaps One Hundred!” I bark at the shaking cat. Now it”s all aimpoint and airspeed. Aviation 101, with the exception there are no lights, I”m on NVGs, it”s Baghdad, and now tracers are starting to crisscross the black sky. Naturally, and not at all surprisingly, I grease the Goodyear”s on brick-one of runway 33 left, bring the throttles to ground idle and then force the props to full reverse pitch. Tonight, the sound of freedom is my four Hamilton Standard propellers chewing through the thick, putrid, Baghdad air. The huge, one hundred thirty thousand pound, lumbering whisper
pig comes to a lurching stop in less than two thousand feet. Let”s see a Viper do that!”
“We exit the runway to a welcoming committee of government issued Army grunts. It”s time to download thir beans and bullets and letters from their sweethearts, look for war booty, and of course, urinate on Saddam”s home. Walking down the crew entry steps with my lowest-bidder, Beretta 92F, 9 millimeter strapped smartly to my side, I look around and thank God, not Allah, I”m an American and I”m on the winning team. Then I thank God I”m not in the Army. Knowing once again I”ve cheated death, I ask myself, “What in the hell am I doing in this mess?” Is it Duty, Honor, and Country? You bet your ass. Or could it possibly be for the glory, the swag, and not to mention, chicks dig the Air Medal? There”s probably some truth there too. But now is not the time to derive the complexities of the superior, cerebral properties of the human portion of the aviator-man-machine model. It is however, time to get out of this shit-hole. “Hey copilot, clean yourself up! And how”s ”bout the ”Before Starting Engines Checklist.””
“God, I love this job!!”
[US/60]
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Confession
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand in the weak light, tears running down her face. Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, pale lips moving slightly.
“Becky my darling,” he whispered.
“Hush my love,” she said. “Rest, don”t talk.”
He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice, “I have something that I must confess.”
“There”s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky, “everything”s all right, go to sleep now.”
“No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I…I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother.” “I know sweet one” whispered Becky, “let the poison work.
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Patrols at Bagram Airfield
Patrols at Bagram airfield in Afghanistan can certainly be hazardous to your health. Be sure not to go off the beaten path the life you save could be your own.