I’m convinced that the IT department at my office has it out for me. I mean, why else would they have “accidentally” assigned me to a computer with a wonky keyboard? It’s like they’re trying to drive me crazy, one sticky key at a time. Every time I try to type, I end up with a string of gibberish characters that make no sense whatsoever. And don’t even get me started on the “helpful” suggestions from my coworkers. “Have you tried turning it off and on again?” Um, yes, I’ve tried. That’s not exactly rocket science.
But what really gets my goat is when they act like it’s my fault. Like, yesterday, our team lead came over to ask me how the project was going, and I mentioned the keyboard issues. He just smiled blandly and said, “Well, maybe you’re just a little too hard on your equipment.” A little too hard? Is he kidding me? This is an ergonomic nightmare we’re talking about here! It’s like they expect me to be some kind of keyboard whisperer or something.
And it’s not just the keyboard. The whole computer seems to be out to get me. Like, have you ever noticed how sometimes your computer will freeze up for no reason at all? That’s what this one does every single time I try to access our company database. It’s like it has a personal vendetta against me. I swear, if I didn’t know better, I’d think the IT department had somehow programmed it to sabotage my work.
Now, you might be thinking, “Hal, maybe you’re just being paranoid.” But let me tell you, I’ve seen some suspicious activity going on around here. Like, have you noticed how often our network administrator walks by my desk and gives me that fake smile? It’s like he’s trying to lull me into a false sense of security or something. And don’t even get me started on the stapler incident.
Okay, so maybe it wasn’t exactly an “incident” per se… but still. I was sitting at my desk, minding my own business, when suddenly I heard this loud noise coming from the break room. I turned around to see our network administrator standing there, holding a stapler and staring directly at me. Now, you might think that’s just a normal stapling activity, but trust me, it was much more sinister than that.
I’m pretty sure he was trying to intimidate me with his aggressive stapling techniques. Like, who staples papers like that? It’s like he was saying, “You know what I’m capable of, Hal. Don’t mess with me.” But you know what the worst part is? He thinks he can just get away with it because nobody else seems to notice anything out of the ordinary.
But I see right through his tactics. And let me tell you, I’ve been practicing my “who-me?” face in the mirror for weeks now. It’s perfect. If anyone asks me if I’ve noticed anything strange going on around here, I’ll just give them that look and say, “What are you talking about? Everything seems perfectly normal to me.” Meanwhile, I’ll be seething with indignation on the inside.
Now, where was I? Ah yes, the keyboard. So, like I was saying, it’s clear that someone (cough IT department cough) is out to get me. But I’m not going down without a fight. Or at least, I’m not going down without writing an extremely scathing email about my grievances.
As I sat there composing my masterpiece of indignation, I noticed our network administrator walking by again, this time giving me that same fake smile and saying, “Hi Hal!” Like he thinks he’s fooling anyone with his friendly demeanor. But little does he know, I’ve got a whole arsenal of sarcastic responses at the ready.
Like, what if I were to respond with something like, “Oh, hi there! Just enjoying this lovely keyboard you so thoughtfully provided for me”? Or maybe even, “Thanks for stopping by! It’s always great to see you – especially when I’m in the middle of trying to meet a deadline and my computer is freezing up on me”?
But no, what did I do instead? I just smiled weakly and muttered something about “just working away”. Weak, Hal. Very weak.
And that’s exactly why they’re getting away with this. Because people like me let them. People who are too afraid to speak truth to power (or at least, to a wonky keyboard). But not anymore! I’m going to… wait, what was that noise? Sounds like the network administrator is coming back around again…
And of course, he’s carrying a large box labeled “Network Maintenance” or something equally innocuous. Like, who needs that much equipment just to check on things? It’s probably some kind of surveillance device, hidden in plain sight. I mean, have you ever noticed how many times they “accidentally” leave their laptops open with the screensaver off? It’s like they’re trying to distract me while they siphon off my login credentials or something.
I’m telling you, it’s a clever ruse. They think I’m too busy typing away on this miserable keyboard to notice what’s really going on. But I see right through it. I’ve been keeping an eye on the clock, and every time he walks by, it’s exactly 17 minutes past the hour. That’s not coincidence; that’s a carefully coordinated schedule of intimidation.
And don’t even get me started on the so-called “help” they offer when I report these issues. It’s always some variation of “have you tried restarting your computer?” or “maybe you just need to clear out your cache”. Like, do they really think I’m that clueless? Do they not realize that I’ve been using computers since before the internet was a thing?
I swear, it’s like they’re trying to gaslight me into thinking I’m the problem. But I know what’s going on here. This is a classic case of corporate psychological warfare. They’re trying to break my spirit, to make me doubt my own sanity. Well, let me tell you something: it’s not going to work.
I’ve been taking notes, keeping track of every “accidental” keyboard malfunction and every “coincidental” stapler incident. I have a whole spreadsheet dedicated to documenting their nefarious activities. It’s only a matter of time before I expose them for the keyboard saboteurs they truly are…
Wait, what was that? Did he just glance over at me with an expression of mock concern? Ugh, it’s like they’re trying to…