An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Holly Madison said, “I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so American’s don’t want me to die.” She took the first pack and jumped out of the …
Category: Government
How in the World Did You Get There?
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2015 California Drought
You may have noticed in the news lately where the media has been discussing the California sever drought and water crisis. There are commercials that tell residents of California to conserve water and this affects everybody. I have heard that the majority of water consumption for the state of California is between the state government …
Lone Ranger & Tonto
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look Towards sky, what you see?” “The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.” “What that tell you?” asked …
Those Sneaky Marines
Look closely … Keep looking! See it now? You have got to love the Marines. Related Posts Bumper Stickers Seen on Military Bases Convoy to Iraq Marine Corps Recruit Depot San Diego
Presidents Day
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,What day is tomorrow?” Without skipping a beat she said, “It’s Presidents Day!” . She’s smart, so I asked her “What does Presidents Day mean?” I was waiting for something about Barack Obama, George W. Bush or Bill Clinton, etc. She replied, “Presidents Day …
A Political Paws: Pelosi, Reid, and the Unlikely Texas Tale
Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, “Harry, I have a plan to win back the hearts of voters in Middle America in 2014!” “Great Nancy, but how?” asked Harry. “We’ll get some cheap, tacky clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the animal shelter …
New Chevy
I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new “feel” before they become extinct. The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama “change” lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing …
Great Logic
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Amazing Discovery
Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.. The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, …
Speaking German in Texas
In Texas, there is a town named Fredericksburg, where there is a large German-speaking population. One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher’s stock pond. The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: “Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die kuehe …
Book Report
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, ‘Titanic’ and ‘My Life’ by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report. Titanic : Cost – $29.99 Clinton : Cost – $29.99 …
You Could Have Heard a Pin Drop
Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60’s when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible. Rusk responded, “Does that include those who are buried here?” DeGaulle did not respond. You could have heard a pin drop. …
Putin’s Speech on Feb. 04, 2013
This is one time our elected leaders should pay attention to the advice of Vladimir Putin…. how scary is that? On February 4th, 2013, Vladimir Putin, the Russian president, addressed the Duma (Russian Parliament) and gave a speech about the tensions with minorities in Russia: “In Russia live Russians. Any minority, from anywhere, if it …
Eternal Life
A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish. The guy thinks for a moment and says, “I want to live forever.” “Sorry,” said …
British Papers Show No Mercy For President Obama
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Jesus and the Democrat
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?” The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him. The next patron to …
Fiscal Debt
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Signs
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Vote Early and Often
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~ Jay Leno The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Henry Cate, VII We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~ Aesop If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these …
Homeland Security: Grocery Store
There was a bit of confusion at the Local Jay C grocery store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.” Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical …
Dear Abby
Dear Abby, My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but …
2012 Social Security Stimulus Package
Just wanted to let you know – today I received my 2012 Social Security Stimulus Package. It contained two tomato seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my ass, 2 discount coupons to KFC, an “Obama Hope & Change” bumper sticker, and a “Blame it on Bush” poster for the …
Blue Cross or Obama Care
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure, a beautiful nurse comes into his room, takes his vitals, then tells him to take off all of his clothes. When he is fully undressed, she instructs him to lie down on a table. The man obeys. The nurse then removes all of …
Keeping You up to Date
Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue. Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic. We all remember when KFC offered a “Hillary” meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs. Now KFC is offering the “Obama Cabinet Bucket.” It consists of nothing, but left wings …
2-2-2012
In 2012 both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog. Related Posts Groundhog Day: Shadows, Shenanigans, and …
Finally, a Useful Obama Product
First came the commemorative coins, then the T-shirts, and then the plates! Now, something for the rest of us…Use sparingly…I find that it irritates my ass! Related Posts Stick It: The Fun and Fascination of National Sticker Day McDonald’s Burger of the Month Gifts That Speak From the Heart: Creative Ways to Make the Holidays
Amazing Holes
These holes are not only amazing, but some are really terrifying! The sheer scale of these holes reminds you of just how tiny we are. Kimberley Big Hole – South Africa Apparently the largest ever hand-dug excavation in the world, this 1097 meter deep mine yielded over 3 tons of diamonds before being closed. Glory …
Barack Obama Bingo
Rules for Bullshit Bingo: 1. Before Barrack Obama’s next televised speech, print your “Bullshit Bingo” 2. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases. 3. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout “BULLSHIT! Related Posts Updated Oldy: Democratic Convention Puns New Truck
How to Save the Airlines
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell — They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, …
USMC Best Joke of the Year
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the …