This actually took place in Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the …
Category: Humor
Do Not Smack a Cop’s Horse
Be advised that it may be in your best interest to not smack a cop’s horse. Related Posts Mounted Policeman Speeding Circle Flies
Wrong Lion
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Success
Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you’re 65. You may not realize it now, but …
10 Brutally Honest Thoughts I Probably Shouldn’t Say Out Loud
1. I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out. 2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now. 3. You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood …
Aphorisms for the Year
– It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame. – We have enough “youth.” How about a fountain of “smart”? – A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party. – When blondes have more fun, do they know it? – Learn from your parent’s mistakes — …
Man Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife. “They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies. ”Put them back, we can’t afford them” demands the wife, they carry …
The Ventriloquist
A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he’s doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde …
Pubs, Scots Style
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Ring Ring Ring …
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg, ‘Hello?’ ‘Hi Honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the Phone? ‘. ‘No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.’ After a brief pause, Daddy says, ‘but Honey, you don’t have an Uncle Gabe.’ ‘Oh Yes I do, and He’s upstairs with Mommy in the room, right now.’ Brief Pause. ‘Uh, …
What Starts With “F”
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what exactly is your problem?’ Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’ Ms. Brooks finally had …
Political Correctness
For the last six odd years, almost all of the things I wanted to write or say, have been stymied by that modern term referred to as ‘POLITICAL CORRECTNESS’.. Although I consider myself reasonably fluent in English, that term was not in my vocabulary. Curiosity got the better of me so I decided to do …
The Importance of Water
Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky: Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101? Hattie: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the case of high blood …
The Way Women Think
Husband’s Text Message to wife Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays. Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches. I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound …
Strange Things
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Things That Make You Smile
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Rules Are Rules
A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his Mother asks if he has done his chores. “Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. …
Texas Humor
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Jewish Mother’s Know Best
A Jewish daughter says to her mother, “I’m divorcing Nathan.” All he wants is sex, sex, and more sex. My vagina is now the size of a 50 – cent piece when it used to be the size of a nickel.” Her mother says… “You’re married to a multi – millionaire businessman! You live in …
How To Catch A Bear
A man in Michigan ‘s Upper Peninsula wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there’s an ad for “Up North Bear Removers.” He calls the number and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and …
America’s Smartest President
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Holly Madison said, “I have my own reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so American’s don’t want me to die.” She took the first pack and jumped out of the …
Whatever You Give a Woman
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Must Love Seniors
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?” “Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.” “Oh, I understand,” …
How in the World Did You Get There?
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Polish Sausage
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ‘prejudice’ these days…………….A customer asked, “In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?” The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?” The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me …
Church Bells
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother …
Minnesotan Hunter
Lyle was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak. As luck would have it, his foolish dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin. Several hours …
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my …
Spice It Up
A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband asks, “Are you …
Love at 81
Maude and Claude, both 81, lived in The Villages, in Florida. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each others’ company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined …
Hollywood Squares
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q.. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you’re going to make …