Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself ‘I must be losing it. I could have …
Category: Humor
Decoding Men and Women’s English
*DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS:* **** * 40-ish…………………………….49. * Adventurous……………………..Slept with everyone. * Athletic…………………………..No breasts. * Average looking…………………Moooo. * Beautiful…………………………Pathological liar. * Emotionally Secure………………On medication. * Feminist………………………….Fat. * Free Spirit………………………..Junkie. * Friendship first…………………..Former Slut. * New-Age…………………………Body hair in the wrong places. * Old-fashioned……………………No B.J.’s * Open-minded…………………….Desperate. * Outgoing…………………………Loud and embarrassing. * Professional………………………Bitch. * Voluptuous………………………Very …
Marriage is Like a Deck of Cards
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Never Assume That Men Understand
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there …
Ole & Lena go to the Mall of America
One cold winter day Ole and Lena went to the mall of America. They ended up getting separated and could not find each other. Lena saw a security guard and asked him if he’d seen her Ole…The security guard asked her what does he look like? Lena ya know he’s wearing a red & black …
Ole & Lena
Sven is passing by Ole’s hay shed one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Ole doing a slow and deliberate striptease in front of an old green John Deere. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right suspender of his weathered Oshkosh denim overalls, followed …
My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad …
Chili Cook-off Compliments
**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. …
My New Snow Walker
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The Female Demerit System
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system: …
Confusion
Well, Obama recently signed the bill that allows gays to serve openly in the Military, No more don’t ask don’t tell. But what has he really done causes more confusion in the ranks. This is what now can happen. So for the moment, imagine……………….. You’re in a combat situation, the enemy is firing at you, …
A Real Woman
A real woman is a man’s best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She …
A Blonde in the Baptist Church
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to …
Two Feet of Snow
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Should I really join Facebook?
When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids …
Flu worries
The Flu’s I’m not really concerned about: 3 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow . . . Mad Cow disease. 2 years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird . . . Avian flu. This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig . . . . . Swine flu. No problem with those. …
Christmas Cookies
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Life Explained by Scientific Graphs
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Banking on a Bet: The Curious Case of Round Testicles and Square Bets
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an …
Sneezing Disease
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, …
Nancy’s Driver
The limo was speeding down the highway. It was just past dusk. Suddenly, a cow rambled onto the road. The car hit it broadside and came to a stop.‚Ä®‚Ä® Nancy, in her usual charming manner, said to the chauffeur, “You get out and check. You were driving.”‚Ä®‚Ä® So the chauffeur got out, checked, and reported …
Got to Love North Dakota
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Becoming an American
Mohammad, an muslim child, entered his classroom on the first day of school in Ohio. “What is your name?” – asked the teacher. “Mohammad” – answered the kid. “You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny,” – replied the teacher. In the evening, Mohammad returned home. “How was your day, …
Children Writing About the Ocean
1) – This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6) 2) – Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6) 3) – If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t Have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7) 4) – Sharks …
Men Are Just Happier People
NICKNAMES ¬∑ If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. ¬∑ If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Knucklehead and CRAP for Brains. EATING OUT ¬∑ When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will …
Little known Facts about MN
Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin’s winters. The state flag of Minnesota consists of a blue background upon which sits a design best described as “how a 7-year- old city girl would draw a …
Model Sues Surgeon
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Honest Advertising
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The Unmasking: A Costume Party Surprise
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good …
The Mile-High Myth Buster
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he looked up and saw the most beautiful woman walking down the aisle. To his astonishment, she was heading straight toward him — and as fate would have it, she sat down right next to him. Trying to sound casual but clearly …
Will I Live to See 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well for my age. (Now over 65.) A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’ He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink …