The Kumachan

I got stopped for speeding yesterday. I thought I could talk my way out of it until the officer looked at my dog in the back seat.

Confucius say, “If you are in a book store and cannot find the book for which you search, you are obviously in the…..

“Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.”

” U.S. Marines – Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club.”

” U.S. Air Force – Travel Agents To Allah”

“Stop Global Whining”

“When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine”

Naval Corollary: Dead Men Don’t Testify.

“The Marine Corps – When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight”

“Death Smiles At Everyone – Marines Smile Back”

“Marine Sniper – You can run, but you’ll just die tired!”

“What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? A Little Recoil”

“Marines – Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775″

“Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It”

“Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon”

“It’s God’s Job to Forgive Bin Laden – It’s Our Job To Arrange The Meeting”

“Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl”

“One Shot, Twelve Kills – U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support”

“My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College”

“Machine Gunners – Accuracy By Volume”

“A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy – Blessed Be The Peacemakers”

“If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran”

“Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But the U.S. ARMED FORCES don’t have that problem.” …Ronald Reagan

A Cajun went duck hunting one day way up north near Shreveport and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Cajuns.

The game warden ordered the Cajun to show his hunting license, and the Cajun pulled out a valid Louisiana hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt and said, “This duck ain’t from Louisiana. This is a Texas duck.

You got a Texas huntin’ license, boy?”

The Cajun reached into his wallet and produced a Texas hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Texas duck. This duck’s from Arkansas . You got a Arkansas license?”

The Cajun reached into his wallet; and produced an Arkansas hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’t no Arkansas duck. This here duck’s from Mississippi . You got a Mississippi huntin license?” Again the Cajun reached into his wallet and brought out a Mississippi hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Cajun “Just where the hell are you from?”

The Cajun turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me. You’re the expert.”

Do you know who makes the rules?

As sportsmen, it is absolutely imperative that in all of the sports we engage, we, without hesitation, play by the rules …
We take care to understand the rules, we discuss the rules amongst ourselves, and we study the rules …
As golfers, we are ruled by the rules ..
Lord knows there are all kinds of rules in that game .
And as citizens, we must follow the rule of law for so many things we do every day..
But just in case you have been pondering this for all your life as to whom actually makes the rules, please note the following:

…I do hope this clears it up…

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

Cold Beer: $2.00
Hamburger: $2.25
Cheeseburger: $2.50
Chicken Sandwich: $3.50
Hand Job: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “May I help you?”

The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, “I was wondering, young lady,” he whispers, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? “She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: “Yes Sir, I sure am.” The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, “Well, wash your hands real fucking good because I want a cheeseburger.”

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (Now over 60.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’

He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?’

‘Oh no,’ I replied.. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’

Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?

‘I said, ‘Not much…. my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’

‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’

‘No, I don’t,’ I said.

He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’

‘No,’ I said.

He looked at me and said,… ‘Then, why do you even give a shit?’

The madam opened the red light district brothel door in youngstown ohio and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you sir?” she asked..

“I want to see sandy,” the man replied..

“Sir, sandy is one of our most expensive ladies of the nite. Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.

“No, I must see sandy,” he replied.

Just then, sandy appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to sandy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see sandy. sandy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.. There were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to sandy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid sandy and they went upstairs.

After their session, sandy said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

The man replied, ” Cleveland Ohio .”

“Really”, she said. “I have family in Cleveland .”

“I know.” the man said. “Your sister died, and I’m the lawyer for her will. I was instructed to deliver your $15,000 inheritance in person.”

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer