The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, “I cannot accept money
from you, I’m doing community service this week.” The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
“thank you” card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you, I’m
doing community service this week.” The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a “thank
you” card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m
doing community service this week.” The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said: “Both politicians and diapers need to be
changed often and for the same reason.”
The Duck and the Lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Dakota. He shot a bird, but it fell into farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in New York and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in North DAKOTA. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart. Now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”
Technology Will be the Death of Us
Hi, George. This is Richard, next door. I’ve a confession to make. I’ve been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text. I can’t live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is, when you’re not around, I’ve been sharing your wife, day and night. Probably much more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently. I know that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live with the guilt & hope you’ll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.
Please suggest a fee for usage and I’ll pay you.
Richard
NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE:
George, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. George then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.
SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi, George. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.
Thursday’s Weather Forecast
Mother Nature is selling a heat wave…for one day only.
Nellis Air Force Base
Nellis Air Force Base, Nevada signs.
Numi Tea
I’m not much of a tea drinker, but a coworker recommended it so I thought I would expand my horizons. My first impressions is that It was pleasant, peaceful and didn’t have a bad taste or odor and it kind of made me feel warm and cozy. I wasn’t quite sure how long I should leave the tea bag in the cup, but I ended leaving it in the whole time I drank the cup down. This might be a pleasant addition to my daily or weekly ritual.
RMS Queen Mary Ship Docked in Long Beach
In the heart of the pier at Long Beach, California you will find the Queen Mary docked. This ship was in service from 1934 to 1967 as a British ocean liner. Present day it is used as a hotel.
Anthony Kiedis at the 61st Grammy Awards
Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers had quite the mustache during his performance at the 61st Grammy Awards. I couldn’t tell if he was going for a 1970’s porn actor look or perhaps he’s trying to honor Freddy Mercury either way the Chili Peppers are still rocking.
Military Family Window Decal
You can certainly spot a military family vehicle by the message being sent through the window decal.
Groundhog Day 2019
Six more weeks of winter.
Vegas Ain’t Got Nothing on Me
I’m not very much of a gambler, but each time I come to Las Vegas I place 1 bet on the roulette table. I put $50 down on black and $50 down on even and so far every time I placed this bet I have won.
4 Retirees Visit a Bar
Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10 cents.”
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you!
What’ll it be, gentlemen?”
There’s a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, “That’s 10 cents each, please.”
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,”That’s 40 cents, please.”
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a dollar yet.
Finally one of them says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”
“I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix ,” the bartender says, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it’s all the same.”
“Wow! That’s some story!” one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can’t help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them and haven’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there.
Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, “What’s with them?”
The bartender says, “They’re retired people from Hawaii. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons…”
Wind Power
In Southern California between the I-8 and the I-10 highways there is a wind farm that are generating clean energy.
New Fishing Friend
While fishing this bird was behind me waiting and watching. I caught a mackerel and it slipped out of my hand so I stepped out of the way and let the bird pick it up. Although the bird didn’t say anything I’m sure it appreciated a free and easy meal.
Halle Berry Shows She’s Still Got It
Halle Berry shows she’s still hot at the 2019 Golden Globe awards by wearing a classy red and black dress.
Bohemian Rhapsody
Bohemian Rhapsody seems to be a film that so many people like and think are a shoe in to win big. Rami Malek knocked that performance out of the park.
A Golden Globe Speech for the Snowflakes
There is nothing like using a Golden Globe acceptance speech to use it as a platform to represent all snowflakes out there. The speech talked about not putting up walls, however Hollywood does exactly that to protect their precious awards ceremonies. He said we must resist at the ballot box and in our everyday lives. How about we start by resisting watching the crappy movies Hollywood has been putting out? The bottom line is you are an actor. You are not a politician. You are there for our entertainment. We don’t care about your thoughts on anything other than that. Shut up, don’t break your arm patting yourself on the back for doing your job, and get the hell off the stage you utter douchebag!
Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga at the 2019 Golden Globe Awards
Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga were wonderful in the movie “A Star is Born.” They should certainly get a Golden Globe award for their performances.
Taylor Swift at the 2019 Golden Globes
Taylor Swift wore a beautiful dress during the 2019 Golden Globe awards, however she did not appear to be as much of a show stopper as Lady Gaga.
Beautiful Kristen Bell Does Michigan Proud
Kristen Bell is looking beautiful as she announces a golden globe winner. She shows that even hard working people from Michigan can achieve their dreams and make it big.
When Golden Globe Speeches Are Too Long
Jamie Lee Curtis looks bored with listening to this long acceptance speech with language that was bleeped out by Patricia Arquette.
The Big Bang Theory Cast at the Golden Globes
Johnny Galecki, Kaley Cuoco, and Jim Parsons announcing a Golden Globe winner. With their success from The Big Bang Theory, there is no wonder why the globes are so golden. It will certainly be a sad day when the Big Bang Theory comes to an end.
Lady Gaga’s Dress at the 2019 Golden Globe Awards
Lady Gaga’s dress was so long that it looked like the dress maker used an entire bedroom sheet set to make it.
Customs and Boarder Patrol San Diego
With the caravan that migrated from Central America for being supposedly oppressed or fleeing corruption, but they managed to wave flags of their country and have camera crews document the entire journey, I believe it was either a George Soros or Democratic Party sponsored caravan. This political stunt has been in response to President Trump wanting better boarder security to protect American citizens by funding and building a boarder wall. In the mean time the United States customs and boarder security has been doing a superb job of keeping illegal immigrants out of the country. They have also been using non-lethal methods to keep from being attacked or injured. Keep fighting the good fight. Keep up the good work. Not everybody feels the same as the Democratic Party and crazy liberal America.
John Swigert Jr. Apollo Astronaut
In the heart of the Denver airport is a statue of John L. “Jack” Swigert, Jr. that states 1931-1982, Astronaut, Apollo XIII Congressman Elect, 1982.
