At the end of the tax year the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?” “Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We save …
Category: Humor
Motivational Posters #3
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Cat on the Roof
A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week. When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, “I’m so sorry, but while you were away, the cat died.” The man was very upset …
Hey, Mister
A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was hanging onto the tail gate for dear life! She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn’t been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him. A few …
Affairs
First Affair A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. …
1st Day on the Job
So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day…… About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the …
Grandma & Grandpa
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad; they’re very strong and very expensive.” “How much?” asked Grandpa. “$10.00 a pill,” Answered the son. …
Why I Fired My Secretary
Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ‘ Happy Birthday.’ I thought… …
Greener Grass
Sometimes you can reach too far! And when you find yourself over-extended and you’re stuck in a situation that you can’t get out of, there is one thing you should always remember……. Not everyone who shows up……Is there to help you! Related Posts Trip Away Zen Teachings Zen Teachings
Hunting Experience
We went hunting over the three day weekend and killed these two plus three smaller ones. I can’t remember how many shots it took, but it was a lot! Related Posts Elk Hunters Upper Peninsula Moose Monterey’s Flower Burglar
Talk About Luck
Can you believe it? This guy wins 181 million in the lottery on a Wednesday, and then finds the love of his life just 2 days later. Talk about luck! Related Posts Fortune Cookie Fortune Fortune Teller $20.00
Don’t Choke on Food in the South
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough, and after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her …
Billy Bob Gets Deflowered
In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it’s time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor. Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it’s time for …
I Was Drugged
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Two Plastic Bags
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag. Oh …
Bass Pro Shop
A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get; so she grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark glasses. She says, ‘Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything …
Wife 1.0
Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, such as Poker Night …
When Daddy Calls
‘Hello?’ ‘Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?’ ‘No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.’ After a brief pause, Daddy says, ‘But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.’ ‘Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.’ Brief Pause. ‘Uh, okay then, this …
How to Stop Him from Snoring
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring. “Yeah right!” she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog …
How the Fight Started
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift. When his wife asked him why, he replied, “Well, she still hasn’t used the gift I bought her last year!” And that’s how the fight started… ————————– My wife walked …
Women Should Take Their Own Messages
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I Like Hores
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R.A.P.E.D
Dear Employees, Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement…This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to …
Aids or Alzheimer’s
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello, Mrs. Sanders, please. ”Speaking. ‘Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your …
She Will Make it Greater
“Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she’ll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she’ll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she’ll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she’ll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges …
Definition Distinction Between Guts and Balls
We’ve all heard about people “having guts” or “having balls”. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below… Guts – is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and …
Helicopter Ride
Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, ‘Edna,I’d like to ride in that helicopter’ Edna always replied, ‘I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks.’ One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy …
Three Men, Three Methods… One Very Angry Wife
The Italian says, “When I’ve a finished a makina da love withna my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy.” The Frenchman replies, zat is noting, “When Ah’ve finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way¬† …
Single vs. Engaged vs. Married
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, “Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He …
Most Romantic First Line, But least Romantic Second Line
These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line: Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss but I only slept with you, because I was pissed. I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother. Roses …
Michigan: Summer’s Almost Here
Summer’s almost here in Michigan…we can now see the deer moving around. Yep, won’t be long. Related Posts Monterey’s Flower Burglar Deer Crossing Why We Shoot Deer