Aug 27

Married Life

- The wife’s back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

– My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

– I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.

– After both suffering from depression for awhile, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I’ll soldier on!

– I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

– The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!”

– My wife packed my bags and said “GET OUT!!!”. As I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!” “Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”

– I’ve just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sex.

Aug 26

Scottish Blood

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before. He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money … but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates.”

To this the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins”.

Aug 25

The Aisle Seat

Terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said ‘I need to get up and get a Coke.’

‘Don’t get up,’ said the Marine ‘I’m in the aisle seat, ‘I’ll get it for you.’

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine’s shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, ‘That looks good. I’d really like one too.’ Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine’s other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, ‘Why does it have to be this way?’

‘How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?’

Aug 21

Difficult Things to Say

Words that are difficult to say when DRUNK:

1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I’m married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. I’m not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real Fool!

7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning

Aug 18

Book Report

TitanicClinton

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, ‘Titanic’ and ‘My Life’ by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic : Cost – $29.99
Clinton : Cost – $29.99

Titanic : Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic : The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic : Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic : In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill.
Titanic : During the ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic : Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let’s not go there….

Titanic : Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic : Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn’t remember Jack.

Titanic : Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica… Ooh, let’s not go there, either.

Titanic : Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary–basically the same thing

Aug 17

Best T-shirt Ever

Best_Shirt_Ever

Aug 16

Curliest Hair

I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question, which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer…hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?

Aug 15

Where Am I?

Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You’re in a basket you dumb shit!

Aug 14

Unattended Baggage

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I’m going to take that.’

Aug 13

Shutter Speed

Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

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