DEA Agent

Posted in Humor/Jokes on January 8th, 2013 by Dave

A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this fucking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”

The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs……

“Your Badge! Show him your fucking badge!”

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Budweiser Wisdom

Posted in Humor/Jokes on January 4th, 2013 by Dave

Budweiser_Wisdom

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Illegal Mexican Versus E.T.

Posted in Humor/Jokes on December 31st, 2012 by Dave

What’s the difference between an illegal Mexican and E.T.? E.T. looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own damn bike, and wanted to go home!

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Trip Away

Posted in Humor/Jokes on December 30th, 2012 by Dave

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?”…. Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.

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Fortune Teller

Posted in Humor/Jokes on December 29th, 2012 by Dave

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I screwed a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?

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Coming or Going

Posted in Humor/Jokes on December 28th, 2012 by Dave

My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.

”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”

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Sorry for not Calling

Posted in Humor/Jokes on December 27th, 2012 by Dave

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the heck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

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Back Door

Posted in Humor/Jokes on December 26th, 2012 by Dave

I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”

Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day!

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Text Message

Posted in Humor/Jokes on December 24th, 2012 by Dave

Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol’ Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick….. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

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Robbed

Posted in Humor/Jokes on December 23rd, 2012 by Dave

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they screwed my wife after only five beers!”

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