This Is Why I Don’t Put Christmas Lights On A Palm Tree.
A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump. A passing hobo stops and says, “since you’re about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?”
The woman said “Hell no … get away from me!”
The bum turned to leave and muttered “Fine, I’ll just go wait at the bottom.”
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male….. Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion. (For some, see Male below)
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said… You wear pants don’t you?
He said… Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said… That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said… Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said… Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
A yacht was traveling in the south Pacific when the crew came across a weird sight. Look at these photos and try to imagine the thrill of experiencing this phenomenon.
NO!!!!This is not a beach;
it is volcanic stones floating on the water.
WHERE IS THE VOLCANO?
UNBELIEVABLE SITE, SO TAKE PICTURES
NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE IT
THE WAKE OF MY SHIP
STAY ON THE EDGE OF THE WATER then this was spotted, ash & steam rising from the ocean.
And, while WE were watching…
A plume of black ash…HUGE CLOUD. COVERING RED EVEN THIS FAR AWAY
THEN THE SKY TURNS BLACK WITH ASH
AND THE OCEAN GOLD WITH SUNS REFLECTION
OUT OF THE OCEAN MOUNTAIN PEAKS ARISE?
MORE ERUPTIONS ASH AND CLOUDS
THE MOUNTAIN PEAKS RISE HIGHER WITHIN MINUTES
A brand new island formed…
CREATION OF MOUNTAINS
Can you imagine the thrill of being the first & only people to see a new island being created where there was nothing before?
Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Here is proof that they are wrong. A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say “it might be nice to have another kid”.
You never hear a guy say ” I would like another kick in the nuts”.
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
“I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon.
“The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”
“Oh God no!” cries the man “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”
“The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm.
I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant.”
“Go for it doc” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again.”
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. “Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.
“Just great,” says the businessman. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”
“That’s great,” said the surgeon.
“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours.”
“Unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”
“Well, just one problem,” said the golfer.
“Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.
I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new “feel” before they become extinct.
The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama “change” lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its “wonderful “options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership to retrieve my old pickup. Damn guy had no sense of humor.
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This one caught me totally by surprise. This is a warning for all men and I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it. It’s a ‘heads up’ for those older men who may be regular customers at Lowes, Home Depot, Costco, or Wal-Mart. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it can’t happen to you.
Here ‘s how the scam works…Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a cloth and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It’s impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No ‘ but instead ask for a ride to McDonald’s. You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 28th. Also September 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, once each on th 20th and 21st, and very likely again this upcoming weekend. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.) Please warn your older men friends to be vigilant.
PS – Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at Ross and bought them out in three of their stores.
PPS – No time for further chatting — off now to Lowes.