A Letter From Little Timmy To Santa

Posted in Holidays, Humor/Jokes on December 15th, 2012 by Kuma

Dear Santa,
How are you ?…How is Mrs. Claus ? I hope the reindeer and the elves are all doing fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,
Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all
fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think, instead of video things, I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “Naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks more like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus

Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this, but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want…You got that, chubby ?
T-Bone

Listen to me Pizza Face,
Seriously ?…You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a hot shot G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people. Things so bad that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s crib. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by where you stays to stomp a mud hole in yo ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
Claws

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy

Timmy,
That’s what I thought you said…you little bastard.
Santa

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Temptation

Posted in Humor/Jokes on December 14th, 2012 by Kuma

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?’

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?

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Drink Responsibly

Posted in Humor/Jokes on December 8th, 2012 by Kuma

I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I’ve never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it’s in my garage.

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Buy a Vowel

Posted in Humor/Jokes on December 7th, 2012 by Kuma

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The Computer Swallowed Grandma Poem

Posted in Humor/Jokes on December 6th, 2012 by Kuma

The computer swallowed Grandma,
Yes, honestly it’s true!
She pressed ‘control and ‘enter’
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I’ve searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I’ve even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Mr. Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found ‘online.’
So, if inside your ‘Inbox,’
My Grandma you should see,
Please ‘Copy, Scan’ and ‘Paste’ her,
And send her back to me!

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Where Did She Put the Case of Beer?

Posted in Events, Humor/Jokes, Security, Thoughts on December 5th, 2012 by Kuma

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Today’s word is: Fluctuations

Posted in Humor/Jokes on December 4th, 2012 by Kuma

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .

She asked the teller, “Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?”

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, “Fluctuations.”
The Asian lady says, “Fluc you white people too.”

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How to Get Arrested

Posted in Events, Humor/Jokes on December 3rd, 2012 by Kuma

This actually happened with some guys from Maine .
They dressed the truck up with the guy spread-eagled on the roof.
The driver and passengers put on Moose heads.
They went down the Maine interstate toll road, causing 16 accidents.
And yes…they went to jail. And yes…alcohol was involved.

Sniffer

Posted in Humor/Jokes on November 30th, 2012 by Kuma

A man had just Boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’.

‘His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.’

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman said, ‘Watch this.’

He told Sniffer to ‘search’.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm.

The Policeman said, ‘Good boy’, and he turned to the man and said, ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana, I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

‘Gee, that’s pretty good,’ replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm.

The Policeman said, ‘Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.’

‘I like it!’ said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place. The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that.

So he asked the Policeman, ‘What’s going on?’

The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He’s just found a bomb.’

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Vote for Parent of the Year 2012

Posted in Humor/Jokes on November 29th, 2012 by Kuma

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