Author's posts
Bad Weather
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the …
What’s on T.V.?
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?” I said, “Dust.” And then the fight started…
Procrastinating
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. …
High School Reunion
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, “Do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after …
Mad Cow
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?” “Nah, she can order for herself.” And that’s when the fight started…..
Who Wants To Be a Millionaire
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’ ‘No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’ She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’ So I said, “Then …
Christmas Gift
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!” And that’s how the fight started…..
Shredder
A young engineer was leaving the office at Schutte & Koerting Co.around 5:45 p.m. when he found he CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this …
Garage Owner
He was sick and tired of thugs breaking into his garage shop to steal tools, etc. So he came up with this idea. He put the word out that he had a Lion that would attack anyone that would break in or climb his fence. Would-be thieves saw the “Lion” from a distance and fled …
How’s Your Day Going?
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. “Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. “Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d …
What is the main ingredient of WD-40?
Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40 is? Don’t lie and don’t cheat. WD-40. Who knew; I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this …
Coffee and Testicles
A guy goes to the Nv. State High way Dept. to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.” “Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?” “Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.” The interviewer says, “That …
A Trip to Europe
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. “You have so much to live for, “said the man. “I’m a sailor, and we’re off to Europe …
Chinese Dog
To good home–excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Oriental street name, Ho Lee Schitt.
A Good Catholic Joke
The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a …
Flow Chart
When top level guys look down, they see shitheads; When bottom level guys look up, they see assholes…
Little Johnny Strikes Again
The teacher asked the class to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, ‘My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating. The teacher said, ‘That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate, not fascinating’. Sally …
The Silver Screw
Once upon a time, there was a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw.¬† All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.. All the years of growing …
Elderly Floridian
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: ‘They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!’ she cried. The dispatcher said, ‘Stay calm. An officer is on the …
Senior Driving
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, ‘Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!’ ‘Heck,’ said Herman, ‘It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!’
Elderly Friends
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, ‘Now don’t get mad …
Supersex
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say ‘Supersex…’ She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair… Flipping her gown at him, she said, ‘Supersex.’ He sat silently for a moment or …
Tokyo Hooters
Some buddies and I heard that they recently opened a Hooters restaurant in Tokyo, so we decided to go check it out. Here was some of the waitresses. The food was good and decently priced, but the weird thing was that the waitresses started dancing and you couldn’t film it or take photos of it …
I Can Hear Just Fine
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ ‘No,’ the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday.’ And the third man chimed in, ‘So am I. Let’s have a beer.’
Three Elderly Sisters
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, ‘Was I getting in or out of the bath?’ The 94-year-old yells back, ‘I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.’ She starts …
New Boots
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?” Margaret looked him over. “Nope.” Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into …
Flipping Channels
The wife and I were at home watching TV. I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said: “For God’s sake! Leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!”
Driving
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself ‘I must be losing it. I could have …
Decoding Men and Women’s English
*DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN’S PERSONAL ADS:* **** * 40-ish…………………………….49. * Adventurous……………………..Slept with everyone. * Athletic…………………………..No breasts. * Average looking…………………Moooo. * Beautiful…………………………Pathological liar. * Emotionally Secure………………On medication. * Feminist………………………….Fat. * Free Spirit………………………..Junkie. * Friendship first…………………..Former Slut. * New-Age…………………………Body hair in the wrong places. * Old-fashioned……………………No B.J.’s * Open-minded…………………….Desperate. * Outgoing…………………………Loud and embarrassing. * Professional………………………Bitch. * Voluptuous………………………Very …
