An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas, 
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. 



Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and‚Ä® said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’‚Ä®‚Ä®

Margaret looked him over. ‘Nope.’‚Ä®‚Ä®

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, notice anything different NOW?’‚Ä®‚Ä®

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!’‚Ä®‚Ä®

Furious, Bert yelled, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S‚Ä® HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’‚Ä® ‘Nope’, she replied. ‚Ä®‚Ä®

‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW‚Ä® BOOTS!!!!’‚Ä®‚Ä®

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, ‚Ä® ‘Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.’

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John was a salesman’s delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha has long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day, John came home about noon and told Marsha that he had gone to a nearby city and purchased a Robot. It was no ordinary robot, but it was in fact a Lie Detector. He said it had to charge 4 or 5 hours, and then he would show her how it worked.

At 5:30 that afternoon, Tommy, their 12 year old son, came in from school, nearly 2 hours and 15 minutes late. Both parents were understandably angry.

‘Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?’, they asked.

‘Oh a bunch of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,’ said Tommy. The Robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

‘Son, this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you went after school.’

‘Uh, we went to Bobby’s house and watched a movie.’

‘What did you watch?’, asked Marsha.

‘The Ten Commandments.’ The Robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, ‘I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.’

‘I’m ashamed of you Son,’ said John. ‘You know, when I was your age, I never lied to my parents, never tried to see dirty pictures much less dirty movies, told dirty jokes, nor did I misbehave.’ The robot walked around to John and delivered a blow that not only knocked him out of his chair, but out the back door and half way across the patio.

When he came back inside, Marsha was bent double laughing, almost in tears. ‘Boy, did you ever ask for that one! And you know, you can’t be too mad at Tommy—after all, He is your son!’ The Robot immediately walked around to Marsha, and literally slapped the tar out of her.

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One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!” His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his
drawer. “What the Hell is this??” he said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out.

“April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”
She replied with a snicker…”It’s not talcum powder……It’s ‘Miracle Grow’.”

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Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise.

They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Bubbles says, ‘Do you think we’re out far enough, Barbie?’ Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, ‘nope, not yet Bubbles’.

So they row a little farther…. Again Bubbles asks Barbie, ‘Do you think were out far enough now? Once again Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, ‘No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.’

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface, gasping for breath she says, OK, it’s finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel.’

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Teacher asks kindergarten students what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

First pupil: “Tylenol?”
Teacher: “Very good! And what is it used for?”
Pupil: “It is used for headaches”

Second pupil: “Nytol Teacher”
Teacher: “Excellent. And what it is used for?”
Pupil: “To help you sleep”

Now it is Johnny’s turn and he says: “Viagra”
Teacher, slightly shocked: “Johnny, What do you think is it used for?”
Johnny: “It can be used for diarrhea”
Teacher: “Who told you this?”
Johnny: “Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father …”Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.”

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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which read: ‘Two Prostitutes — $50.00.’

Suddenly a passing patrol officer spotted the sign displayed on the top of their car, stopped them, and warned them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

About that time, another car passed by, with a sign saying: ‘JESUS SAVES.’

One of the girls asked the officer, ‘How come you don’t stop them?!’

‘Well, that’s a little different, ‘The officer smiled…,’Their sign pertains to religion.’

So the two ladies of the night frowned, and taking down their sign drove off.

The following day found the same patrol officer, in the area when he noticed the same two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them, when he noticed that there was now a new sign which read:

Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter — $50.00

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting Flies” he responded.

“Oh. Killing any?” she asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked; “How can you tell them apart?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

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An elderly gent was invited to an old friends’ home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.”

The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth, “he said, “Her name slipped my mind about ten years ago and I’m scared to death to ask her what it is.”

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A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for ‘Bear Removers.’He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?

“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then, I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner.

“If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”

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An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.’

Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator.’

Some old men can still think fast.

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A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to spend a fortune.

‘Well,’ said the clerk, ‘I have a very large bullfrog. They say it’s been trained to give blowjobs!’

‘Blowjobs!’ the woman replied.

‘It hasn’t been proven but we’ve sold 30 of them this month,’ he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it’s true…no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy’s ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

‘What are you two doing at this hour?’ she asked. The husband replied, ‘If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.’

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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, “what’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

The woman replies, ‘It’s Keith, the midget.”

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The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome.

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again…..The engaged girlfriend said: “The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4” stilettos and mask. He said, “You are the woman of my life, I love you…then we made love all night long.”

The mistress stated: “Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn’t say a word. We just had wild sex all night.”

The married one then said: “The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes.

My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, “Hey Batman, what’s for dinner?”

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