1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.
11. Your cousin is president of the United States
You May Be a Taliban If…
Social Security Sex
Two men were talking. ‘So, how’s your sex life?’
‘Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex.’
‘Social Security sex?’
‘Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!’
Loud Sex
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, ‘I’ve got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell.’
‘My dear, the shrink said, ‘that’s completely natural. I don’t see what
the problem is.’
‘The problem is,’ she complained, ‘it wakes me up!’
Quiet Sex
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, ‘How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?’
She glanced at him casually and replied, ‘You’re not home!’
Confounded Sex
A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for ‘medium, $14,000 for ‘large.’
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. “Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor.
The man answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen.”
Wedding Anniversary Sex
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary The husband yells, ‘When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever’.’
‘Yeah,’ she replies, ‘when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.”
Quiet Sex
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, ‘How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?’
She glanced at him casually and replied, ‘You’re not home!’
Women’s Humorous Sex
My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, “This will make you happy tonight.” He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.
Elderly Sex
One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living
apartment Killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense. She began coolly, ‘Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex … He could fly.’
Traffic Ticket
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from Nowhere, Tennessee . He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Tennessee deputy’s expense.
The deputy says, ‘License and registration, please.’
‘What for?’ says the lawyer..
The deputy says, ‘You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.’
Then the lawyer says, ‘I slowed down, and no one was coming.’
‘You still didn’t come to a complete stop, Says the deputy. License and registration, please.’
The lawyer says, ‘What’s the difference?’
‘The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!’ the Deputy repeats.
Lawyer says, ‘If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.’
‘That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,’ the deputy says.
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, ‘Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?’
His and Hers Diary
Her Diary
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong.
He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore .
He just sat there quietly, and watched TV . He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed . About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep – I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
His Diary
My Snowmobile wouldn’t start today, but at least I got laid.
Happy New Year!
Happy 2010! With every new year there are things we reflect upon and things we look forward to. In 2009 we have tried to post a lot more content to the website as time permitted, to include adding many more jokes. For 2010 we will continue to try to add more content, as well as , improve on the ease of use for both the website and for the photo gallery. Although this gallery has served its purposed, it isn’t as user friendly as it could be. We will try to rectify that.
On a more personal note, us here at The Kumachan hope the new year brings much happiness, good health, and good fortune. Now lets get posting to welcome in 2010 with a roar. Cheers!
Winter Statistic
98% of Americans say “Oh Shit” before going in the ditch on a slippery road. The other 2% are from Michigan, and they say, “Check this out.”
Dog For Sale
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’ ‘I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.‚Äô I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that shit.
Circumcised
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
‘I thought I told you to call your mom!’ she said. ‘I did,’ he said, ‘And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.’
Muslim Pussy
What does a Muslim Pussy look like? What were you thinking of?
Cow vs Sheep
A man walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, “Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache.”
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, “If you weren’t such an idiot, you’d know that’s a sheep, not a cow.”
The guy replies, “If you weren’t such a presumptuous bitch, you’d realize I was talking to the sheep.”
Boobs vs Willies
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?’ The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, a woman goes through three phases.
1. In her 20s, a woman’s boobs are like melons, round and firm.
2. In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
3. After 50, they are like onions’. ‘Onions?’ ‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, ‘Mom, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’ The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also.
1. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
2. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
3. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree’. ‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes — dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.’
Ear infection
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what’s wrong–and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There’s nothing worse than a doctor’s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it:
A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, “Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?” He replied, “There’s something wrong with my dick.”
The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. “Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you.”
The receptionist replied, “Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”
“You shouldn’t ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone,” the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before re-entering.
The receptionist smiled smugly and said, “Yes?”
“There’s something wrong with my ear.”
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”
“I can’t piss out of it.”
The waiting room erupted in laughter…
Tweety Turns 60
Tweety bird turns 60 years old and was quoted saying, “I tawt I taw a pu … a put … oh I don’t know wat da fut I taw!”
Priceless Speeding Ticket
Telling Husband you’re going out for the night with the “Girls”… $0.00.
Red Leather Jacket for night out with the “Girls”… $200.00.
Getting a Radar photo speeding ticket while out with the “Girls”… $90.00.
Having husband open the mailed radar ticket, looking at the “photo proof” and seeing you, his dear wife, with another man’s dick in her hand … PRICELESS!
