Poker Player

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he couldn”t help but notice that Bill”s wife Sue”s, legs were spread wide and she wasn”t wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill”s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything you liked under there?”

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did.

She said, “Well, you can have it but it”ll cost you $500.”

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicated that he is indeed interested. She told him that since her husband, Bill, worked Friday afternoons and John didn”t, that John should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill”s house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00pm sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised.

Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, “Did John come by the house this afternoon?”

A little worried, Bill”s wife answered, “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.”

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?”

In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he”d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”

NOW THAT”S A POKER PLAYER.

Napkins for a special occasion

My mother taught me to read when I was three years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet.

I then asked my mother why she was keeping ”napkins” in the bathroom. Didn”t they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for “special occasions”.

Now fast forward a few months…

It”s Easter Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter.

Then came mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a “special occasion” napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn”t hang off the edge!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

Want to Curl Up and Die?

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned around and walked back out and never. My husband didn’t say a word, he knew better.
Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

Pad, please! An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
Kathy Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I”m just looking at your nuts. “My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned,and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, “PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX SUPER SIZE.” That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word “Tampax” for THUMBTACKS.” In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. “DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?”
Diane E. Amov

Ask a child the same question too many times… Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No.” I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don”t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?” This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!” While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing. He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they”d ever had!

Don’t Close the Blinds

The other day, my nine year old son wanted to know why we were at war. My husband looked at our son and then looked at me. My husband and I were in the Army during the Gulf War and we would be honored to serve and defend our Country again today. I knew that my husband would give him a good explanation.’, ‘My husband thought for a few minutes and then told my son to go stand in our front living room window. He said “Son, stand there and tell me what you see?”

“I see trees and cars and our neighbor”s houses.” he replied.

“OK, now I want you to pretend that our house and our yard is the United States of America and you are President Bush.”

Our son giggled and said “OK.”

“Now son, I want you to look out the window and pretend that every house and yard on this block is a different country” my husband said.

“OK, Dad, I”m pretending.”

“Now I want you to stand there and look out the window and pretend you see Saddam come out of his house with his wife. He has her by the hair and is hitting her. You see her bleeding and crying. He hits her in the
face, he throws her on the ground, then he starts to kick her to death. Their children run out and are afraid to stop him, they are screaming and crying, they are watching this but do nothing because they are kids and they are afraid of their father. You see all of this son…. what do you do?”

“Dad?”

“What do you do son?”

“I”d call the police, Dad.”

“OK. Pretend that the police are the United Nations and they take your call, listen to what you know and saw but they refuse to help. What do you do then, son?”

“Dad………. but the police are supposed to help!” My son starts to whine.

“They don”t want to son, because they say that it is not their place or your place to get involved and that you should stay out of it,” my husband says.

“But Dad…he killed her!!” my son exclaims.

“I know he did…but the police tell you to stay out of it. Now I want you to look out that window and pretend you see our neighbor who you”re pretending is Saddam turn around and do the same thing to his children.”

“Daddy…he kills them?”

“Yes son, he does. What do you do?”

“Well, if the police don”t want to help, I will go and ask my next door neighbor to help me stop him.” our son says.

“Son, our next door neighbor sees what is happening and refuses to get involved as well. He refuses to open the door and help you stop him,” my husband says.

“But Dad, I NEED help!!! I can”t stop him by myself!!”

“WHAT DO YOU DO, SON?” Our son starts to cry.

“OK, no one wants to help you, the man across the street saw you ask for help and saw that no one would help you stop him. He stands taller and puffs out his chest. Guess what he does next, son?”

“What Daddy?”

“He walks across the street to the old lady”s house and breaks down her door and drags her out, steals all her stuff and sets her house on fire and then…he kills her. He turns around and sees you standing in the
window and laughs at you. WHAT DO YOU DO?”

“Daddy…”

“WHAT DO YOU DO?”

Our son is crying and he looks down and he whispers, “I”d close the blinds, Daddy.”

My husband looks at our son with tears in his eyes and asks him, “Why?”

“Because, Daddy…..the police are supposed to help people who need them…and they won”t help…. you always say that neighbors are supposed to HELP neighbors, but they won”t help either…they won”t help me stop him…I”m afraid….I can”t do it by myself, Daddy….I can”t look out my window and just watch him do all these terrible things and…and…..do nothing…so….I”m just going to close the blinds…so I can”t see what he”s doing……..and I”m going to pretend that it is not happening.”

I start to cry.

My husband looks at our nine year old son standing in the window, looking pitiful and ashamed at his answers to my husband”s questions and he says, “Son.”

“Yes, Daddy.”

“Open the blinds, because that man…. he”s at your front door. “WHAT DO YOU DO?”

My son looks at his father, anger and defiance in his eyes. He balls up his tiny fists and looks his father square in the eyes, without hesitation he says: “I”D DEFEND MY FAMILY, DAD!! I”M NOT GONNA LET HIM HURT MOMMY OR MY SISTER, DAD!!! I”M GONNA FIGHT HIM, DAD, I”M GONNA FIGHT HIM!!!!!”

I see a tear roll down my husband”s cheek and he grabs our son to his chest and hugs him tight, and says… “It”s too late to fight him, he”s too strong and he”s already at YOUR front door, son…..you should have stopped him BEFORE he killed his wife, and his children and the old lady across the way. You have to do what”s right, even if you have to do it alone, before it”s too late,” my husband whispers.

THAT scenario I just gave you is WHY we are at war with Iraq. When good men stand by and let evil happen, THAT is the greatest EVIL of all.

Our President is doing what is right. We, as a free nation, must understand that this war is a war of humanity. WE must remove evil men from power so that we can continue to live in a free world where we are not
afraid to look out our window so that my nine year old son won”t grow up in a world where he feels that if he just “closes” the blinds the atrocities in the world won”t affect him.

“YOU MUST NEVER BE AFRAID TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT! EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO DO IT ALONE!” BE PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN! BE PROUD OF OUR TROOPS!! SUPPORT THEM!!! SUPPORT AMERICA SO THAT IN THE FUTURE OUR CHILDREN WILL NEVER HAVE TO CLOSE THEIR BLINDS…”

Quickies!

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, “I didn”t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?” Leroy replied, “I”m not sure, What was her maiden name?
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: “Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?” The father replied. “Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine”
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“Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,” the divorce court Judge said, “And I”ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.” “That”s very fair, your honor,” the husband said. “And every now and then I”ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
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A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, “I don”t like the looks of your wife at all,” “Me neither doc,” said the husband. “But she”s a great cook and really good with the kids.”
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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse
on you.” The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
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Two Reasons Why It”s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder.
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, “Can you tell me how long it”ll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?”
The agent replies, “Just a minute…”
“Thank you,” the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “How was he killed?” asked one detective. “With a golf gun,” the other detective replied. “A golf gun?! What is golf gun?” “I don”t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.”
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The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.
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This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he”s ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, “How do you get into those pants?”
The young woman looks him over and replies, “Well, you could start by buying me a drink.”
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Moe: “My wife got me to believe in religion.”
Joe: “Really?”
Moe: “Yeah. Until I married her I didn”t believe in hell.”
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A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I”m O. K. but I didn”t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered. “What did he say?” asked the nurse. “OOPS!”
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband”s advice.
“What do you think? ” I asked.
“Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “You”d never get it all in one.”
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“Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed…every morning a lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn”t matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle…when the sun comes up, you”d better be running.”

Roping

A young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon and while driving down the road, the new bride saw a bull and a cow having sex. She asks, “What are they doing honey?” He answers, “They are roping!” She replies, “Oh, I see.” They drive a few more hours and she sees a horse and a mare having sex. Again she asks, “What are they doing honey?” He answers, “They are roping!” She replies, “Oh, I see.” They finally get to the hotel, washed up, and got ready for bed. They get in bed and start exploring each other”s body. She discovers his penis and asked, “What is this?” “That”s my rope,” he answers. She slides her hands down further and gasps, “What are those?” “They are my knots,” he replies. Finally, they begin making love. After several minutes, she says, “Stop, honey, wait a minute!” “What”s the matter baby?” he asks. She replies, “Undo those knots, I need more rope!

Signs You’ve Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can”t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. You”re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won”t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
10. You don”t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
11. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
12. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
13. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
14. You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 PM
15. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset rather than settle your stomach.
16. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condom and pregnancy tests.
17. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”
18. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
19. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn”t apply to you.

Government

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you”ve been married ten times?”

“Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he”d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn”t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn”t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn”t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was……..God, I miss him!

But now that I”ve married you, I”m so excited!”

“Good,” said the husband, “but, why?”

“You’re with the Government honey. This time I KNOW I’m gonna get screwed!

Monica Lewinsky

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. “God…if you take away my love handles, I’ll devote my life to you,” she prayed. And just like that, her ears fell off.

The Thimble

One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river and her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed the thimble to help her husband in making a living for the two of them. The Lord went down into the
water and reappeared with a golden thimble. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, “No.” The Lord again went down and came up with a silver thimble. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, “No.”

The Lord went down again and came up with a wooden thimble. “Is this your thimble?” the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, “Yes.” The Lord was pleased with the woman”s honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying?”

“Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!” The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. “Is this your husband?” the Lord asked.

“Yes,” cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The seamstress replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ”no” to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said ”no” to
him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said ”yes,” you would have given me all three. Lord, I”m not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three
husbands, so THAT”S why I said ”yes” to Mel Gibson.”

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it”s for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others. That”s our story, and we”re sticking to it.

Never Piss A Woman Off

A wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. The husband was terrified, and screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to cut it off, are you?” The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said, “Nope. I’m going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to.”

Old Virus

1. THE AL GORE Virus….(Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting)
2. THE CLINTON Virus….(Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
3. THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus…(Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
4. THE LEWINSKY Virus…(Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did)
5. THE RONALD REAGAN Virus….(Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
6. THE MIKE TYSON Virus….(Quits after two bytes)
7. THE OPRAH WINFREY Virus….(Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb)
8. THE JACK KEVORKIAN Virus…(Deletes all old files)
9. THE ELLEN DEGENERES Virus…(Disks can no longer be inserted)
10. THE PROZAC Virus…(Totally screws up your RAM, but your Processor doesn”t care)
11. THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO Virus…(Only attacks minor files)
12. THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER Virus…(Terminates some files, leaves,but will be back)
13. THE LORENA BOBBITT Virus…(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5inch floppy, then discards it through Windows)

Fifty Dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I”d like to ride in that airplane.”

Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars.”

One year Morris and Esther went to the fair and Morris said, “Esther, I”m 85 years old. If I don”t ride that airplane I might never get another chance.”

Esther replied, “Morris, that airplane ride costs 50 dollars, and 50 is dollars is 50 dollars.”

The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I”ll make you a deal. I”ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won”t charge you; but if you say one word it”s 50 dollars.”

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn”t.”

Morris replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Esther fell out, but 50 dollars is 50 dollars.

Difference Between Men and Women Showering

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to do more sit-ups
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it”s clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash.
10. Complain because your husband has been eating your ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash.
11. Rinse conditioner off hair.
12. Shave armpits and legs.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
16. Check entire body for zits, tweeze unwanted hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How to Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the ”woo-woo” sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face.
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Taste your wife”s ginger nut and Jaffa cake body wash.
13. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
14. Pee.
15. Rinse off and get out of shower.
16. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
17. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
18. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
19. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the ”woo-woo” sound again.
20. Throw wet towel on bed.

Chores

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. “Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little irritated so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks. “Well, his mother says “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week”. “I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you are aren’t getting any milk.” Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”

For Veteran’s Day

I watched the flag pass by one day,
It fluttered in the breeze.

A young Marine saluted it,
And then he stood at ease..

I looked at him in uniform
So young, so tall, so proud,
With hair cut square and eyes alert
He”d stand out in any crowd.

I thought how many men like him
Had fallen through the years.

How many died on foreign soil
How many mothers” tears?

How many pilots” planes shot down?
How many died at sea
How many foxholes were soldiers” graves?

No, freedom isn”t free.

I heard the sound of Taps one night,
When everything was still,
I listened to the bugler play
And felt a sudden chill.

I wondered just how many times
That Taps had meant “Amen,”

When a flag had draped a coffin.
Of a brother or a friend.

I thought of all the children,
Of the mothers and the wives,
Of fathers, sons and husbands
With interrupted lives.

I thought about a graveyard
At the bottom of the sea
Of unmarked graves in Arlington.
No, freedom isn’t free.

Questions & Answers

Q: What’s a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q: What’s the height of conceit?
A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q: What’s the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q: Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A: They spray paint X’s on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it’s worth it.

Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: What is the difference between “ooooooh”and “aaaaaaah”?
A: About three inches.

Q: What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers?
A: Well-Hung.

Q: What’s the difference between purple and pink?
A: The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It’s not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q: Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: They don’t have balls to scratch.

Home Wireless Network Users Need to Properly Secure Their Networks From Threats

In recent years, technology has been rapidly developing. This development introduced us to the Internet, commercial networks, and even home networks to move towards using wireless networks. In America, home networks are the vast majority of users on the Internet. Since home networks are the majority of users on the Internet, you will learn about some of the threats lurking both on the Internet and even in your own neighborhoods. You will also learn about how home wireless network users can properly secure their networks from these threats.
‘, ‘The most feared threats that can be found on the Internet are hackers. Hackers can be broken down into two major categories. The first type of hacker, known as a ?White Hat Hacker?‚Äö√†√∂¬¨¬Æ, is a person who uses their skill or ability to morally and legally pursue their interest. These types of hackers will typically disassemble whatever they are trying to learn about, to see how it works. These hackers have been associated with a white hat because their intentions are not bad in nature. These hackers are surprisingly helpful to many commercial companies. One major way they help commercial companies, is by them finding vulnerability by pushing a computer system to its limits and then alerting the vendor. The most feared hacker is the, ?Black Hat Hackers.?‚Äö√†√∂¬¨¬Æ These hackers have only malicious intentions. In many cases, black hat hackers will try to break into a computer network to steal valuable information, such as credit card data. They will use this data for their own personal gain. Black hat hackers are destructive to applications, computer hardware, and computer networks.

A computer virus is a self-replicating program that spreads by inserting copies of itself into other executable code or documents. A computer virus behaves in a way similar to a biological virus, which spreads by inserting itself into living cells and then becoming part of that cell. Extending the analogy, the insertion of the virus into a program is termed infection, and the infected file is called a host. Much as a biological virus can spread throughout numerous hosts, a computer virus can spread throughout millions of hosts on the Internet within a matter of hours.

A computer worm can be defined as a self-replication computer program. A computer worm is much like a virus, however when a virus attaches itself to another program it becomes part of that program. A worm is self-contained and does not need to be part of another program to propagate itself. The name ?worm? came from two researchers working for Xerox. They were doing a paper on experiments in distributed computing, when they noticed similarities between their software and a program from a 1970s novel written by John Brunner.

There are many different types of network security methods used, when it comes to protecting a network. One of the most successful methods used to secure a network is the boundary protection method. This method takes different computing mechanisms and puts them between what they are trying to protect and where the threat lies. Some of the mechanisms used are firewalls, proxy servers, anti-virus applications, intrusion detection systems and even virtual private networks. Each one of these mechanisms functions at a different networking layer and provides more of an obstacle for the threat to overcome. These obstacles deter threats from attempting to intrude into their networks. A hacker is less likely to penetrate a well-secured network; especially when there is other much less secure networks readily available, thus providing network security.

Whether you are using a home wireless router from any of a variety of vendors, the process to securing your wireless network is still the same. First you want to start at your access point closest to the Internet, for home users we will say this point is either your cable modem or DSL modem. The first thing you need to do is implement some sort of security. You can choose between your router performing a network address translation and port scanning security measure, installing a hardware firewall, or proxy server. Since most home users do not want to spend the money on additional security devices, some companies such as Linksys (a subsidiary of Cisco Networking Systems) have built the technology into their wireless routers. The first thing you should do when initially configuring your home wireless network router, is change the factory default administrative password. Once you have changed the administrative password, you want to configure the router to support only the amount of hosts you are going to have on your wireless network. The factory default setting supports up to 255 users. Unless you want 255 users within your wireless routers range to connect to your network, it is best to enable your router to support only the number of hosts you will be connecting. After you have changed both of those settings, your next step is to enable the wired equivalent privacy protocol (WEP), or the WI-FI protocol, depending on what your router supports. Please refer to your owner?s manual for more detail of what your wireless router supports. Both WEP and WI-FI work by encrypting the data that is being transmitted and received between your computer and the wireless router. These typically are either 64 bit or 128 bit encryption standards. The next step to securing your wireless router is to perform MAC address filtering, provided your router supports it. If your router supports MAC address filtering, you first need to log into your computer and then find out what your MAC address is on your wireless network card. Once you have your MAC address, input that into your router and filter it so only hosts with this MAC address can access your network. The next step is to check your routers manual to see if your router actually does perform network address translation. If it does, there should be nothing you need to configure for this. As we are getting closer to completing the configuration of your wireless router, there are still a few precautionary steps you should take to secure your network a little more. One of the final steps is to change your internal network address from the factory default setting to another network address. By default, most home wireless network routers us a non-routable IP address range. This non-routable network address is either 10.10.1.1 or 192.168.1.1. To learn more about how to properly subnet your network, please refer to your owner?s manual. For this scenario we are going to say you changed your network address from 192.168.1.1 to 192.168.2.1. As we know from before, your router is only set up to allow the exact number of hosts you are connecting to your network. Finally the last thing you should check within your router is to see if it has any network ports open by default on the router. Some routers have to be manually turned off and other routers have it built in to block external connections to your router, unless the connection is initiated from the internal side.

Now that your router is configured correctly, we should consider the worse case scenario of your data being lost or compromised. Some of the methods to recovering lost data are by using internal programs to the operating system or 3rd party programs. Within Microsoft Windows there is a backup utility to perform backups and recovery. Another method is to configure your computer the way you want it, make a ghost image by using Symantec?s Norton System Ghost, and then putting that image on a media that is not on your local computer. That way, if your system gets corrupted you can always restore it to the last known good state. You can always backup your system files to another computer or network attached storage device. Finally, you can use a 3rd party program such as Veritas to backup your computer state files to a tape drive. This program also allows you to restore from the tape media.

You have seen some of the threats that lurk on the Internet and simple ways to protect yours home wireless network from these threats. Congratulations, now you can consider your home wireless network and personal data secure.

Who is Jack Schitt

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, “You don”t know Jack Schitt!” Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents” objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Want to work here?

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It”s the 535 members of the United States Congress.

The same group of men and women that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

Configure Your Apple Computer to Connect to Your Wireless Linksys Router

If you have an Apple computer using an airport extreme card and want to connect it to your wireless Linksys router using WEP, you”ll be surprised that it is not as difficult as you may think. Initially when I was trying to get my iMac connected to my wireless Linksys router I was running into difficulties. After searching around on the Internet and saw some ways that other people suggested, but when I tried them, none seemed to work for me. We will start by assuming you already have your Linksys router configured with your IP address or DHCP if you”re using DHCP. We are strictly going to focus on getting WEP and MAC address filtering to work.’, ‘First you need to log into your Linksys router. Then click on the wireless tab of your navigation within the router”s setup page. Next click on the Wireless MAC Filter tab. Once you are there, you need to find out your MAC address of the Apple computer you want to connect to your Linksys network, so you can minimize your web browser. Now within your Apple computer go to your system profiler. To do this you simply click on the apple symbol in the upper left-hand side of your desktop. Now you click on About this Mac. Then a little window will open showing Software Update and More Info. Click on the More Info button. Now you will see a screen that shows everything installed in your Mac. We need to click on Network. When you are there you should see Ethernet Address. That shows you your MAC address. Write that down or you can copy it and past it into a text document. Now close out of your system profiler and go back to your Linksys router configuration webpage. You should already be at the Wireless MAC Filter page. To configure this you simply click on the enable radio button. Next you want to make sure you Permit only PCs listed to access the wireless network radio button is checked. Now you click on the Edit MAC Filter List button. A little window should pop up. You either type your MAC address in there or copy it and paste it from the text document you created, which ever way you copied down your MAC address. Be sure to click on Save Settings followed by Continue to bring you back to your router configuration utility. Now you have enabled MAC address filtering on your router.

The next step is to configure WEP. WEP stands for wired equivalent privacy. This means your wireless connection being transmitted through the air is going to be encrypted giving it virtually the same amount of security as having an Ethernet cable plugged into your Apple computer to your router. To do this you click on the wireless security tab of your router”s configuration utility webpage. Once you are there you need to change your Security Mode to utilize WEP. Now you can use the drop down menu to choose WEP 128 bits 26 HEX digits. Next you choose what transmit key you would like to use. By default it is set to 1. Now you type in a Passphrase. This phrase is going to be what is used to generate your wireless key. You can type anything you want in here. Once you have typed in your passphrase you click on the Generate button. Now you will see 4 keys were generated below. Above you chose what key you wanted to use so now you copy the corresponding key and either write it down or copy and paste it into a text document. Once you”ve got your key you can click on Save Settings and then followed by Continue. As of right now you should not have a wireless connection available anymore. To reestablish your wireless connection you need to open the System Preferences on your Apple computer. Once you are in your System Preferences, click on Network. Now you should see a screen that shows you Location, Show, and then your Airport network connection below. Click on the Airport connection and then click the Configure button at the bottom of the screen. Once there, you should see where it says By Default Join. Use the drop down menu and choose A Specified Network. Now you will have to type in your network name and then for the password, either type in the network key you copied before or type it in. Now you can click Show Airport status in the menu bar to ensure there is a check mark next to it and then click the apply button. Now you should see a signal in the upper right hand side of your screen for your airport network. This means that provided you configured everything else correctly in your router, you should be up and running. Congratulations, you have just added more security to your wireless network and you have gotten your Apple computer connected to your Linksys router.

Game Cube Sucks

Game Cube is a half-hearted effort at a real gaming system! Everything from the miniture sized gaming system that takes proprietary game disks, to the fact that it doesn”t have a network connection built in. The thing that really sucks with a game cube is that whether you stay at home or take your gaming system with you, you can”t use it to watch DVD”s on. Also it doesn”t have built in memory, you have to buy little memory cards. Sure you can always add features onto your gaming system, but who wants to spend the extra money just to get what they could already have withing a PS2 or a Xbox? The only thing gamecube has going for it is the different Mario games and the controller….Nothing else!

Circumcised?

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal”s office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his “member” hanging out.

“I thought I told you to call your mom.” she screamed. “I did,” he said, “And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she”d come and pick me up from school.”

Air Traffic Humor

Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o”clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”

2.) One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?” Our hero the Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with : “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I”ll have
enough parts for another one.”

3.) There”s a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing, because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked”. Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded Seven-Engine approach”.

4.) A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff”.

5.) Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, “What was the problem?” “The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,” explained the flight attendant,” and it took us a while to find a new pilot.”

6.) “Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees..” “But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?” “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”

7.) While on an evening flight on Southwest Airlines, I found it funny that the head Flight Attendant made this announcement when dimming the lights for take off: “Ladies and Gentleman, we will be dimming the cabin lighting to enhance the beauty of our flight attendants, thank you.

Homeowners in Hawaii Need to Maximize Use of Solar Energy

As many people in Hawaii know, there is an abundance of sunlight in the state. This paper is going to explain to you why homeowners in Hawaii should maximize use of solar energy. First, this article will cover some of the reasons why many homeowners currently do not utilize our largest natural energy source, followed by the benefits of using solar energy, ending with a conclusion of how everybody will benefit if more people take more advantage of solar energy.’, ‘There are probably a million reasons more people do not use solar energy, but the biggest reason of all is the cost involved with it. Many people either do not have or do not want to spend the initial average cost of 4,500 dollars to install the solar water heating system. There are many reasons why people don”t want to make this initial investment, but most of the reasons are personal or people are just ignorant to the fact of how much money they will save in the long run.

Although there are many skilled people living in Hawaii, many people who purchase the solar water heating system do not know how to install it nor do they want to spend the additional money to have it professionally installed.

Another major factor that discourages homeowners from purchasing the solar water heating system is the homeowner associations in Hawaii. Many associations can be rather troublesome to get approval to install such a system. In many cases there may be an additional association fee involved just to get approval. This process tends to discourage many homeowners from taking the time to get approval. In some cases, associations actually do not allow the installation of these systems.

Now that some of the reasons homeowners do not utilize a solar water heating system in their home are clear, some benefits of solar power will be discussed. To promote the use of solar energy Hawaii”s largest electric company Hawaiian Electric or HECO offers a rebate program to reduce the total cost of the initial purchase of the solar water heating system. As you may or may not know, the average cost of a solar water heating system is about $4,500. The Hawaii Electric Company offers a $750 rebate to drop the price to $3,750. HECO also offers a $30 – $70 rebate for the high efficiency water heaters. Not only can you save on solar water heating systems and water heaters, but HECO will also give you $175 dollars back with a rebate for a heat pump water heater. As you can see, Hawaii”s largest electric company is doing their best to reduce the cost for every customer they have and to ultimately save our environment and promote the use of our largest natural resource the sun.

With the temperatures in Hawaii being relatively warm year round, many families throughout Hawaii run their air conditioners to keep the humidity down, this puts a major drain on the electricity throughout Hawaii. When more homeowners take advantage of using solar energy, the consumption of electricity will be lowered. That means local electric companies will not have to burn much of natural gas to generate electricity, thus leaving more natural resources for future generations. By electric companies not having to burn natural gas, this will lower carbon dioxide being put into the air and keep our air cleaner. Ultimately not only will you be saving the electric companies money, but you will be putting money back in your own pocket. In case you are wondering how much money you can save with a solar water heating system installed in your home, you can save up to 90% on your water heating costs or the equivalent of $5 – $10 per person per month. That may not look like a lot for the short term, but by saving that much money the solar heating system will pay for itself and lower your total bill. Let”s do a small scenario to demonstrate how much you will save. For this scenario lets say you are a new homeowner with 3 people living in your household and you have 30 years left on your mortgage. We will show you the total savings on electricity for the duration of your home loan. We are also going to say your average cost per month on electricity is $100.
$100 per month
– $7.50 average savings per person or $22.50 per month
$77.50 Total cost of electricity per month
X 12 months per year
$930 per year.
X30 years.
$27,900 total cost of electricity for the duration of your home loan.

Now let”s see what the total cost would be without the solar heating system”s savings for this same scenario.

$100 per month
– $0.00 savings
$100 Total cost of electricity per month
X 12 months per year
$1,200 per year.
X 30 years.
$36,000 total cost of electricity for the duration of your home loan.

As you can see you will save a total of $8,100 by using the solar water heating system as opposed to not utilizing solar energy.

In case this doesn”t look like enough savings for you to consider using a solar water heating system, the government also promotes the use of solar energy by giving you a tax credit. The state of Hawaii will give you a 35% tax credit on the purchase of the solar water heating system. As you remember, when you read about HECO providing a rebate to reduce the cost of the water heating system, the cost came to $3,750, but if you factor the savings with the 35% you get back from the state of Hawaii also, you will see the total cost of the unit will only be $2,437.50. Now if saving $2,062.50 on the initial cost of the system doesn”t interest you, then what will?

Now you will learn about the basic process of the solar water heating system. By learning the process of how it works you will see that it is environmentally safe. In solar water heaters, water flows through tubes, which are attached to a black metal absorber plate. The plate is enclosed in an insulated box with a transparent window to let sunlight in. The heated water is transferred to a tank where it is available for your use. Please keep in mind that this process generates no electricity, it just makes hot water. Although it only produces hot water, it does not let off any harmful emissions and if something was to fail or a pipe was to break, nothing harmful would be spilled.

In conclusion, you have seen the benefits and savings of purchasing a solar water heating system far outweighs that of not using one. This also proves that a little time and effort can help to keep our air clean by maximizing use of solar energy. It will literally put money back into your pocket; thus proving homeowners in Hawaii need to maximize use of solar energy to keep our planet a great place to live for centuries to come.

The Prisoner

A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns, but all he finds is a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in prison, and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you”

To which the wife responds, “He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom… Be strong, honey. I love you too…

Breakfast

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

“Careful … CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my Gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful … CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you”re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving with you in the car.”

Red Skeleton’s Tips for a Happy Marriage

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven”t been for a long time!” she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said,” There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn”t running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, “In the Lake.”

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?” The driver said, “No, jump in!”

10. Remember, Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

12. I married Miss Right. I just didn”t know her first name was Always.

13. I haven”t spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don”t like to interrupt her.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust.”

Olympic Commentators, OOPS!

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: “This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.”

2. Dressage commentator: “This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”

4. Boxing Analyst: “Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.”

5. Softball announcer: “If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.”

6. Basketball analyst: “He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn’t like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.”

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: “Ah, isn’t that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging Cox of the British crew.”

8. Soccer commentator: “Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got eleven Dicks on the field.”

9. Tennis commentator: “One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them…Oh my God, what have I just said?”

Fart in Bed

This is a story about a couple, totally devoted to each other, who had been happily married for years. The only wee problem in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise wakes his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was a perfectly natural occurrence. “She asked him to see a doctor, saying she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out, but he only laughed. The years went by, and he continued to rip them out every morning.

Then one Thanksgiving morning, as the long-suffering wife was preparing the turkey for dinner while her dearly beloved was upstairs still sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the ‘spare parts’ and a naughty little thought came to her….She took the bowl of parts and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep. Gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Then she quietly tiptoed down to the kitchen to wait for the fun to begin.

A short while later she heard her husband awaken with his usual trumpeting….which was immediately followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture, she reckoned she had got back at him pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened….

But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

Radio Station Took Suggestion

A person I work with showed me a website with photos of a person for a “Thong of the Day” and a “Babe of the Day.” Although this website had a great idea I have never listened to this radio station before. I do however listen to another radio station and they had a link to some local models in the area. So I shot them an e-mail with the suggestion they should put a “Babe of the Day” on their site with photos of their local girls instead of arbitrarily choosing a photo off the internet like the other radio station. Not long after I e-mailed them with my suggestion they posted exactly what I suggested on their website. They do have contests going on for people who make a good suggestion of how to make their website better the person who makes the suggestion can get a t-shirt, bumper sticker, or some other promotional item. Needless to say I didn’t get anything, not even an e-mail back acknowledging my idea. Fags!