Technical Support
This is India. It’s where you call when you have a technical problem with your computer.
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How to Get Permission to Play Golf
During the 4th hole the following conversations took place:
First Guy :
You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend… I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.
Second Guy :
That’s nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.
Third Guy :
Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her. They continue to play the hole when they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him : ‘You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?’
Fourth guy :
I just set my alarm for 5 am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on her ass and said: ‘Golf course or intercourse? ‘ She said: ‘ make sure you wear sun-block.”
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Ask Dad
“Mom? I’ve got a questions. The guys at school are using words I don’t understand.”
“What words, dear?”
“Pussy and Bitch.”
Mon inhaled sharply, buth then said: “Oh, that’s easy. A pussy is a cat, like our litle Fluffy. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy.”
He then found his Dad out in the garage.
“Dad, the guys at school are using words I don’t understand.”
“What words, son?”
“Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don’t think she told me the right meanings.”
Dad said: “Son, never ask your mother about these things, as me instead. Let me explain it like this.”
He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold, drew a circle around the pubic area and said: “Son, everything inside the circle is pussy.”
“Okay, Dad. Then what’s a bitch?”
Dad replied: “Everything outside the circle.”
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For Those Who Don’t Like Heights
Formerly — the Sears Tower
Not content with having the tallest building in America , the owners of Willis Tower in Chicago have installed four glass box viewing platforms which stick out of the building 103 floors up.
The balconies are suspended 1,353 feet in the air and jut out four feet from the building’s Skydeck. They are 4x10x10, made of solid glass, floor included…
Visitors get their first view from The Ledge — four glass balconies suspended from the Tower.
Designers say the platforms – collectively dubbed The Ledge – have been purposely created to make visitors feel as they are floating above the city. The reward is unobstructed views of Chicago from the building’s west side and a heart-stopping (well, duh!) vista of the street and Chicago River below – for those brave enough to look straight down. It’s like walking on ice.
John Huston, one of the owners of the Willis Tower, even admitted to getting ‘a little queasy’ when he ventured out on to the balcony. However, after 30 or 40 trips, he seems to have gotten used to it.
Long way up: Even the floor of the platforms are glass – few are brave enough to look straight down. Although some adults felt dizzy after experiencing The Ledge, children seemed to take it in their stride.
Fearless: Five-year-old Anna Kane spreads out on the floor of the 10ft square box which is 1,353 ft up.
Thrill seekers: The boxes jut out four feet from the building and were specifically designed to attract visitors. The Willis Tower has always been about superlatives – tallest, largest, most iconic.
The Ledge is the world’s most awesome view, the world’s most precipitous view, the view with the most wow in the world. The balconies are 10ft high and 10ft wide, can hold five tons, and have glass which is 1.5 inch thick.
Inspiration came from the hundreds of forehead prints visitors left behind on The Skydeck windows every week. Now, staff have a new glass surface to clean: floors!
Architect Ross Wimer said: ‘We did studies that showed a 4′ X 4′ deep enclosure makes you feel like you’re detached from the building particularly since there’s only room for one row of people.’
The Ledge is accessible from The Skydeck which attracts 25,000 visitors on clear days. They each pay $15 to take an elevator ride up to the 103rd floor of the 110-story office building that opened in 1973.
After seeing this I think I will sit in my sturdy, favorite chair.
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Banana Split
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
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An 82 Year-old Man
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that.. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’
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Three Old Guys
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’
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A Senior Citizen
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?’
‘Nope!’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’
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Couple in Their Nineties
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Sure..’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
‘Where’s my toast?’
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Hospital Regulations
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’
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Nippon Maru Maritime Training Ship
Took the train over to the Sakura-gicho train station in Yokohama today to wander around and see what sights were to be seen. While there I boarded the Nippon Maru maritime training ship that is permanently docked in Yokohama and now used as a museum.
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Two Elderly Gentlemen
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
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Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, ‘This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’ The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door.’
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?’
She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.
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Fuji Television Building
Passed by the Fuji Television building today in Odaiba, which is a part of, Tokyo, Japan. This is a landmark building because of it’s unique design. You can spot this building from all around Tokyo.
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Driving by Tokyo Tower
Drove through Tokyo today and snapped these photos of Tokyo Tower. It’s so weird seeing a big tower that looks like the Eiffel Tower in the middle of one of the most populated cities in the world.
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Pull the Plug: A Senior Moment That Says It All
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?”
“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub”.
“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”
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A Jack Daniels Fishing Story
I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.
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Turtle Burgers
Here’s a new twist on how to serve burgers and if you don’t cook, give this handy little guide to someone that does and request them.
Handmade ground beef patties, topped with sharp cheddar cheese, wrapped in a bacon weave, then the next step, add hotdogs as the heads, legs with slits for toes and tail.
Next step. Place on an oven rack, covered loosely with foil and baked for 20-30 minutes at 400 degrees. A little crispy, not too crunchy…just how a turtle should be, no?
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Miss Bea & Her Condom
Miss Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something… ! But he certainly couldn’t mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
“Miss Bea,” he said, pointing to the bowl, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?”
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. It said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know… I haven’t had a cold all winter!”
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Police Quotes
These are actual comments made by 16 police officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country.
1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. WasMickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.”
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.. Sign here.”
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Top Four Adult Jokes of 2009
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, ‘Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you’ll forgive me.’
She replies, ‘If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 221..’
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Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turns over and says ‘I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.’
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
‘Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?’
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Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
‘What’s wrong, Bill?’ she asked.
‘Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?’
‘Oh, Bill, you didn’t’ she exclaimed.
‘Yes, I did.’ he replied.
‘My God, Bill, what happened?’
‘I got fired.’
‘No, Bill. ¬†I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?’
‘Oh…she got fired too.’
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Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, ‘Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.’
‘I know,’ the old man said. ¬†’We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..’
‘Well,’ Granny snickered. ¬†’Let’s relive some old times..’
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
‘You know, honey,’ the little old lady breathlessly replied, ‘My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.’
‘I wouldn’t be surprised,’ replied Gramps. ¬† ‘One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
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Ole’s Logic
Government surveyors came to Ole’s farm in the fall and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time. The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, “Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of by letter.” Ole replied, “What’s the bad news?” The surveyors stated, “Well, after our work we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota, but is actually in South Dakota!” Ole looked at Lena and said, “That’s the best news I have heard in a long time, why I just told Lena this morning, I don’t think I can take another winter in Minnesota.”
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The Woman Marine Pilot
The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the usual kinds of tales—spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?” the teacher asked.
“Yes, ma’am,” Janie replied. “My daddy told me a story about my mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of twenty Iraqi troops. She shot fifteen of them with the pistol until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife until the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your daddy tell you was the moral of this horrible story?”
“Stay away from Mommy when she’s been drinking.”
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Banyan Town Restaurant
Today I went and ate at the Banyan tree restaurant in the city of Naha in Okinawa prefecture of Japan. It was a nice novelty restaurant to eat at because the whole setting is like you up in a big treehouse. It’s pretty neat and it gives you some interesting views of the city. Here are some of the photos I took.
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The Polish Divorce
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don’t think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her..
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read… it say: ~~~Polish Remover~~~