Designed by Hans Wilkie…
Company Names
All of these are legitimate companies, who apparently didn’t spend quite enough time considering how their online name might appear.
These are not made up. While several have since been changed, incredibly some of the sites are still up and running under these URL’s. Check them out yourself!
1. ‘Who Represents’ is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is:
www.whorepresents.com
2. ‘Experts Exchange’ is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than ‘Pen Island.’ It can be found at:
www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try ‘Therapist Finder’ at:
www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then there’s the ‘Italian Power Generator’ company. Check it out at:
www.powergenitalia.com
6.’IP computer’ software, there’s always:
www.ipanywhere.com
7. And the designers at ‘Speed of Art’ await you at their wacky Web site:
www.speedofart.com
Teachers & Cops:
These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming..
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” (National Crime Information Center)
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS….
16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.. Sign here.”
Things We Should Probably Know, But Don’t
1. Money isn’t made out of paper, it’s made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a ‘tittle’.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald’s profit come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
8. The ‘spot’ on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
12. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
13. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
14. Ketchup was sold in the 1830’s as a medicine.
15. Upper and lower-case letters are named ‘upper’ because in the time when all original print had to be set in letters, the ‘upper case’ letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, ‘lower case’ letters.
16. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
17. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
18. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos..
19. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
20. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, or silver.
21. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa’s lips.
22. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
23. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original ‘Halloween’ was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
24. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
25. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand.
26. The phrase ‘rule of thumb’ is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
27. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
28. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to digest a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It’s the same with apples.
29. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
30. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
31. The “Guinness Book of Records” holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
32. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit is dangerous.
33. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart: “Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she’s behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail.”
The Are Finally Together
Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy again, remarried … and this time, she & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together.” Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
“Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?”
Margaret replied:….”I think he means her legs, Ethel..”
Perspective
Two women are chatting in office
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster… my husband came home, ate his dinner in
three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes,
rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a
romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came
home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We
then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate,
screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn’t paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light f@8%king candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn’t get it up for an hour and then I couldn’t come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn’t fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A professor at the Mississippi State Univ. was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions’ to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, ‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’
She replied, ‘Probably turkey hunting with his buddies.’
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom…
Tarzan Sex
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.”Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, “Oh,…Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong,…but I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. “Here” she said, “you must put it in here.” Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: “What in the hell did you do that for?”
Tarzan replied, “check for squirrel.”
In Memory of Paul Maidman
New Truck
I bought a new Chevy Avalanche
And returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn’t get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
‘Nelson,’ the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, ‘Ricky or Willie?’
‘Willie!’ he continued and ‘On The Road Again’
Came from the speakers.
Then he said, ‘Ray Charles!’, and in an instant
‘ Georgia On My Mind’ replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I’d say, ‘Beethoven,’
I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
‘Beatles,’ I’d get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.
I yelled, ‘Ass Hole!’
Immediately the radio responded with,
“Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of The
United States
Damn I love this truck…
The Husband’s T-shirt
My wife was always after me to go shopping with her. Then I began wearing my favorite t-shirt. Now she doesn’t want me to go shopping with her anymore.
Camping Tools
Just when you think that you have everything for camping out and sitting around the fire at the lake someone comes up with something new.
A Cardiologist’s Funeral
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life…. A huge heart… covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, ‘I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral….. I’m a gynecologist.’
The proctologist fainted.
Lesbonics
1 . What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A. licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A. Klondike .
3.. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
A. Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can’t lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
A. Because they can’t eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur Traders…
6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A. Lickalotapuss.
7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
A. Well Hung.
8.. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
A. She was found face down in Ricki Lake.
9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table doesn’t have balls.
10. What do you call lesbian twins?
A. Lick-a-likes..
11.. What’s the definition of confusion?
A. Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market..
12. What’s the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
A. One’s a snack cracker, the other’s a crack snacker.
13. What do you have when you’ve got 50 lesbians and 50 Government workers?
A. 100 people that don’t do dick.
Enoshima Aquarium
Even though it is March and the weather is still cold I got tired of being stuck in doors from the winter and decided to take the train to the east coast of Japan to visit Enoshima and check out their aquarium.
While there I watched the dolphin and sea lion show. The show really reminded me that this is Japan’s version of Sea World. It was an entertaining show and I had a lot of fun watching it. You can also see there were wind surfers out playing in the waves.
While walking through the aquarium I got to see some crabs, jellyfish, stingrays and other assortments of fish.
Married Woman
The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times..
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when
totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
‘MIDNIGHT’… He didn’t seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo
clock.’
When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its,
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
2nd Opinion
Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decided to go and see a doctor.
The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit.’
He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 long.’
Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’
Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’
Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years.’
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’
Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure..’
The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… size 36.
Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..’
The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.’
Speeding
I got stopped for speeding yesterday. I thought I could talk my way out of it until the officer looked at my dog in the back seat.
Looking for a Good Book
Confucius say, “If you are in a book store and cannot find the book for which you search, you are obviously in the…..
Bumper Stickers Seen on Military Bases
“Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything.”
” U.S. Marines – Certified Counselors to the 72 Virgins Dating Club.”
” U.S. Air Force – Travel Agents To Allah”
“Stop Global Whining”
“When In Doubt, Empty The Magazine”
Naval Corollary: Dead Men Don’t Testify.
“The Marine Corps – When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Be Destroyed Overnight”
“Death Smiles At Everyone – Marines Smile Back”
“Marine Sniper – You can run, but you’ll just die tired!”
“What Do I Feel When I Kill A Terrorist? Recoil.”
“Marines – Providing Enemies of America an Opportunity To Die For their Country Since 1775”
“Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Anyone Who Threatens It”
“Happiness Is A Belt-Fed Weapon”
“It’s God’s Job to Forgive Bin Laden – It’s Our Job To Arrange The Meeting”
“Artillery Brings Dignity to What Would Otherwise Be Just A Vulgar Brawl”
“One Shot, Twelve Kills – U.S. Naval Gun Fire Support”
“My Kid Fought In Iraq So Your Kid Can Party In College”
“Machine Gunners – Accuracy By Volume”
“A Dead Enemy Is A Peaceful Enemy – Blessed Be The Peacemakers”
“If You Can Read This, Thank A Teacher. If You Can Read It In English, Thank A Veteran”
“Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don’t have that problem.” – Ronald Reagan
Cajun Duck Hunter
A Cajun went duck hunting one day way up north near Shreveport and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Cajuns.
The game warden ordered the Cajun to show his hunting license, and the Cajun pulled out a valid Louisiana hunting license. The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt and said, “This duck ain’t from Louisiana. This is a Texas duck.
You got a Texas huntin’ license, boy?”
The Cajun reached into his wallet and produced a Texas hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, “This ain’t no Texas duck. This duck’s from Arkansas . You got a Arkansas license?”
The Cajun reached into his wallet; and produced an Arkansas hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’t no Arkansas duck. This here duck’s from Mississippi . You got a Mississippi huntin license?” Again the Cajun reached into his wallet and brought out a Mississippi hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Cajun “Just where the hell are you from?”
The Cajun turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me. You’re the expert.”
The Rule Maker
Do you know who makes the rules?
As sportsmen, it is absolutely imperative that in all of the sports we engage, we, without hesitation, play by the rules …
We take care to understand the rules, we discuss the rules amongst ourselves, and we study the rules …
As golfers, we are ruled by the rules ..
Lord knows there are all kinds of rules in that game .
And as citizens, we must follow the rule of law for so many things we do every day..
But just in case you have been pondering this for all your life as to whom actually makes the rules, please note the following:
Tee House Sign
A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
Cold Beer: $2.00
Hamburger: $2.25
Cheeseburger: $2.50
Chicken Sandwich: $3.50
Hand Job: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, “May I help you?”
The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, “I was wondering, young lady,” he whispers, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? “She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: “Yes Sir, I sure am.” The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says softly, “Well, wash your hands real fucking good because I want a cheeseburger.”
Will I live to be 80?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing ‘fairly well’ for my age. (Now over 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 80?’
He asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?’
‘Oh no,’ I replied.. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’
Then he asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
‘I said, ‘Not much…. my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’
‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’
‘No, I don’t,’ I said.
He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’
‘No,’ I said.
He looked at me and said,… ‘Then, why do you even give a shit?’
Taking Advantage
The madam opened the red light district brothel door in youngstown ohio and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked..
“I want to see sandy,” the man replied..
“Sir, sandy is one of our most expensive ladies of the nite. Perhaps you would prefer someone else”, said the madam.
“No, I must see sandy,” he replied.
Just then, sandy appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to sandy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left..
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see sandy. sandy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.. There were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to sandy, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid sandy and they went upstairs.
After their session, sandy said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
The man replied, ” Cleveland Ohio .”
“Really”, she said. “I have family in Cleveland .”
“I know.” the man said. “Your sister died, and I’m the lawyer for her will. I was instructed to deliver your $15,000 inheritance in person.”
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer