Moved To Alaska
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
“Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00.”
“Great”, says Tom, “After six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”
As Lars is leaving, he stops. “Gotta warn you, be some drinkin’.”
“Not a problem,” says Tom. “After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ’em.”
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More’n’ likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”
“Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”
“More’n likely be some wild sex, too,”
“Now that’s really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?”
“Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”
We Do Not Spank
Most of America’s populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of “those moments.”
One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together. I’ve included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Sincerely,
Your Friend ********
P.S. I think this will work with grandchildren, nieces, and nephews as well.
Minorities – Show Some Compassion
They travel miles in the heat.
They risk their lives crossing a border.
They don’t get paid enough wages.
They do jobs that others won’t do or are afraid to do.
They live in crowded conditions among a people who speak a different language.
They rarely see their families, and they face adversity all day every day.
I’m not talking about illegal Mexicans; I’m talking about our troops!
The Flasher
Three older ladies named Rose, Pam and Martha were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.¬¨‚Ć The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.¬¨‚Ć Rose immediately had a stroke.¬¨‚Ć Then Pam also had a stroke.¬¨‚Ć But Martha, being older and more feeble, couldn’t reach that far.
Picture Proof of a Bad Day
Even when you are having a really bad day, someone will still screw you.
Man Test
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have ‚spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the ‚Oprah diet…Nancy-pants.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay– it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a‚ delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And‚ just think about how you call a dog… ‘Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!’ Now think about how you call a cat…’Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!’ Jeeezus, you’re fit to be framed, you’re so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee. A straight man will never be heard ordering a ‘Decaf Soy Latte’. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of non standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and pie, you might as‚well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn’t have memory‚space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out‚chartreuse or you know what a ‘fressier’ is you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the jerk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his drink.
Fireman Sex
A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, ‘You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we’re on the fire truck ready to go.’From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. When I say Bell 3, we are going to make love all night.
‘The next night he came home from work and yelled, “Bell 1!” The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled “Bell 2!”, the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled “Bell 3!”, they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled! “Bell 4!” “What the hell is Bell 4?” asked the husband.
“Roll out more hose,” she replied ‘You’re nowhere near the fire!”
Happy Thanksgiving
Wishing everybody a Happy Thanksgiving. We hope your day is filled with many thanks, spending time with family or friends, and doing something you enjoy. If you would like to take this opportunity to send a text message to say thank you to a soldier, airman, sailor, or marine, you can do so by going to the following website and following their instructions. The website is http://amillionthanks.org
Howzit Brahdah
Brahdah‚ came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Brahdah.’ Brahdah was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’ St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’ Brahdah was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. ‘So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’ ‘Not bad,’ replied Brahdah the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’ ‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster.’ Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’ ‘Never,’ said Brahdah. ‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster. ‘It’s no big deal.’ Brahdah did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Brahdah was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout…..’Dammit! Wake up you clown. You’re shitting in the bed!’
Divorce vs. Murder
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,¬¨‚Ćlooked straight into his eyes,and said, ‘I would like to buy some cyanide.’ ¬¨‚ĆThe pharmacist asked, ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’ ¬¨‚ĆThe lady replied, ‘I need it to poison my husband.’ ¬¨‚ĆThe pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, ‘Lord have mercy! ¬¨‚ĆI can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! ¬¨‚ĆI’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. ¬¨‚ĆAbsolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!’ ¬¨‚ĆThe lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. ¬¨‚ĆThe pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, ‘Well now, that’s different. ¬¨‚ĆYou didn’t tell me you had a prescription.’
Hi-Tech
Three Women, two younger and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.  Suddenly there was a beeping sound.  The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped.  
The others looked at her questioningly. ¬¨‚Ć”That was my pager, ” she said. ¬¨‚ĆI have a microchip under the skin of my arm. ¬¨‚Ć
A few minutes laster, a phone rang. ¬¨‚ĆThe second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. ¬¨‚ĆWhen she finished, she explained, “That was my mobile phone. ¬¨‚ĆI have a microchip in my hand.” ¬¨‚Ć
The older woman felt very low-tech…not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. ¬¨‚ĆShe stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. ¬¨‚ĆShe returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end. ¬¨‚ĆThe others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. ¬¨‚ĆThe older woman finally said, “Well, will you look at that…I’m getting a fax!”
You want me to do what?
Even man’s best friend has his limits!
Left Brain vs Right Brain
 
Most of us would see the dancer turning counter-clockwise though you can try to focus and change the direction; see if you can do it.
LEFT BRAIN FUNCTIONS    uses logic    detail oriented    facts rule    words and language    present and past    math and science    can comprehend    knowing    acknowledges    order/pattern perception    knows object name    reality based    forms strategies    practical    safe  
RIGHT BRAIN FUNCTIONS
¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć uses feeling¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć “big picture” oriented¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć imagination rules¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć symbols and images¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć present and future¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć philosophy & religion¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć can “get it” (i.e. meaning)¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć believes¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć appreciates¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć spatial perception¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć knows object function¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć fantasy based¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć presents possibilities¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć impetuous¬¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ƭ¨‚Ć risk taking
Married Couple
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife
offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, “Dear,I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”
“My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
How to Make a Cross-over Cable
Here is a diagram which shows the standard color code to make a cross-over CAT-5 cable.
Safe Sex Dress
Dad makes prom dress.
Top Secret
TOP SECRET
This was sent to me by an associate in the surveillance field. I am sharing it with friends and family on a need to know basis. I can not vouch for its validity.
SECURITY PHOTO: CONFIDENTIAL
The photo is a video capture from a security camera located in the North Corridor that leads to the Senate floor in the US Capitol Building.
Family Vacation
Family on holiday in Australia for a week and a half when husband, wife and their 15 year old son decided to go scuba diving. The husband is in the navy and has had some scuba experience.
His son wanted a pic of his mum and dad in all their gear so got the underwater camera on the go. When it came to taking the pic the dad realized that the son look like he was panicking as he took it and gave the “OK” hand sign to see if he was alright.
The son took the pic and swam to the surface and back to the boat
as quick as he could so the mum and dad followed to see if he was OK. When they got back to him he was scrambling onto the boat and absolutely shitting himself. When the parents asked why he said, “there was a shark behind you” and the dad thought he was joking, but the skipper of the boat said it was true and that they wouldn’t believe him if he told them what it was.
As soon as they got back to the hotel they put the pic onto the laptop and this is what they saw.
How Long Do We Have?
About the time our original thirteen states adopted their new constitution in 1787, Alexander Tyler, a Scottish history professor at the University of Edinburgh, had this to say about the fall of the Athenian Republic some 2,000 years earlier:
“A democracy is always temporary in nature; it simply cannot exist as a permanent form of government.”
“A democracy will continue to exist up until the time that voters discover they can vote themselves generous gifts from the public treasury.”
“From that moment on, the majority always vote for the candidates who promise the most benefits from the public treasury, with the result that every democracy will finally collapse due to loose fiscal policy, which is always followed by a dictatorship.”
“The average age of the world’s greatest civilizations from the beginning of history, has been about 200 years”
“During those 200 years, those nations always progressed through the following sequence:
1. From bondage to spiritual faith;
2. From spiritual faith to great courage;
3. From courage to liberty;
4. From liberty to abundance;
5. From abundance to complacency;
6. From complacency to apathy;
7. From apathy to dependence;
8. From dependence back into bondage”
Professor Joseph Olson of Hemline University School of Law, St. Paul, Minnesota,points out some interesting facts concerning the 2000
Presidential election:
Number of States won by:
Gore: 19
Bush: 29
Square miles of land won by:
Gore: 580,000
Bush: 2,427,000
Population of counties won by:
Gore: 127 million
Bush: 143 million
Murder rate per 100,000 residents in counties won by:
Gore: 13.2
Bush: 2.1
Professor Olson adds: “In aggregate, the map of the territory Bush won was mostly the land owned by the taxpaying citizens of this great country.¬¨‚Ć Gore’s territory mostly encompassed those citizens living in government-owned tenements and living off various forms of government welfare…” Olson believes the United States is now somewhere between the “complacency and apathy‚Äö√Ñ√π phase of Professor Tyler’s definition of democracy, with some forty percent of the nation’s population already having reached the “governmental dependency” phase.
If Congress grants amnesty and citizenship to twenty million criminal invaders called illegal and they vote, then we can say goodbye to the USA in fewer than five years.
Jeff Foxworthy Picking on Michigan
1. If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Michigan.
2. If you’re proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Michigan.
3. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan.
4. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Michigan.
5. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you might live in Michigan.
6. If your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, (or at the top of his ankles) you might live in Michigan.
7. If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live in Michigan.
8. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Michigan.
9. If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan.
Part 2 – You know you’re a true MICHIGANDER when . . .
1. “Vacation” means going up north on I-75
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
9. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
15. Down South to you means Ohio.
16. A brat is something you eat.
17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.
18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find 0 degrees “a little chilly.”
22. You drink pop and bake with soda.
23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it’s not medicine.
24. You can actually drink Vernors without coughing.
25. You know what a Yooper is.
26. You think owning a Honda is Un-American.
27. You know that UP is a place, not a direction.
28. You know it’s possible to live in a thumb.
29. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.
The Most Beautiful Girl
‘She’s’ the Winner of Thailand’s Miss Transvestite 2005 contest
Timotei
Natural style.
Best Shirt Ever
Well, at least it gives us a reason to focus on her.
Little Animal
Going through life is hard enough, but to go through life looking like a dick with buck teeth must be horrible!
