Tag: men

Entice Men to do Stupid Stuff

Behind Every Woman

Why Some Men have Dogs and Not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 4. A dog’s parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your …

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Why Women Live Longer

Famous Beer Quotes

“Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.” -Will Rogers Sometimes, after playing golf, I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes …

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Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9. Death is the number 1 killer in the world. #8. Life is sexually transmitted. #7. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. #6. Men have 2 motivations: hunger and sex, and they can’t tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich. …

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Lone Ranger & Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look Towards sky, what you see?” “The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.” “What that tell you?” asked …

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Old Man Scam **Beware**

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This one caught me totally by surprise. This is a warning for all men and I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it. It’s a ‘heads up’ for those older men who may be …

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Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman …

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Male Logic

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.” A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?” He replied, “They had avocados.” …

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Medical News

Medical science has finally found the correct and most accurate way to measure blood pressure for men.

Men

A man was granted two wishes by God, he asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa. ********************************************************* There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get married …

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A Bridge Too Far

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, ‘because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’ The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii …

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Choosing a Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new …

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Smart Ass

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up. One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now some old person is going to walk by, …

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Understanding Women

(A MAN’S PERSPECTIVE) I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Andy Rooney on Sex

1. When I was born, I was given a choice – a big pecker or a good memory….I don’t remember what I chose. 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects. 4. Impotence: nature’s way of …

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Words

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day…30,000 to a man’s 15,000. The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

Blue Cross or Obama Care

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure, a beautiful nurse comes into his room, takes his vitals, then tells him to take off all of his clothes. When he is fully undressed, she instructs him to lie down on a table. The man obeys. The nurse then removes all of …

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Student Who Obtained a 0% on an Exam

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams …

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Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense!) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He …

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Wedding Party

At a wedding party recently someone yelled, “All the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.” The bartender was almost crushed to death.

USMC Best Joke of the Year

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the …

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Christmas Cookies

If men start baking Christmas cookies.

Children Writing About the Ocean

1) – This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6) 2) – Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6) 3) – If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t Have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7) 4) – Sharks …

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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane..He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted …

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2nd Opinion

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decided to go and see a doctor. The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press …

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The Rule Maker

Do you know who makes the rules? As sportsmen, it is absolutely imperative that in all of the sports we engage, we, without hesitation, play by the rules … We take care to understand the rules, we discuss the rules amongst ourselves, and we study the rules … As golfers, we are ruled by the …

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Wife 1.0

Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity, such as Poker Night …

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Choosing a Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new …

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Computer Literate Executives and Information Systems

[Abstract] The purpose of this document is to provide an argument to the question, ‚ÄúAs more computer- and information system-literate employees move into executive positions, will executive support systems be needed? Why or why not?‚Äù The second part of this document answers the questions, ‚ÄúWhat special knowledge, other than that found in a course catalog, …

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Human Statue of Liberty 1918

The picture was taken in 1918. It is thousands of men preparing for war in a training camp at Camp Dodge in Iowa. A gift from some of our grandfathers.

Is America at War?

As I came out of the supermarket that sunny day, pushing my cart of groceries towards my car, I saw an old man with the hood of his car up and a lady sitting inside the car, with the door open. The old man was looking at the engine. I put my groceries away in …

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Orthopedic Bed Just for Men

Someone has finally made an orthopedic bed just for men. Available only at “Butts, Boobs and Beyond”

And so the Story Goes!

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.” Arthur thought about it for a …

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Why Men Shouldn’t Buy Baby Clothes

Twenty Dollars

On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter. In His highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to …

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She Ain’t Easy… But…

She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham. She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum. She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker. She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood. She’s turned more tricks than Houdini has. She’s been in more motel rooms than the Bible. She’s been boarded …

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Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock …

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Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6, and 12

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.” “Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. Yes, I”ve …

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Cowboys Don’t Like to be Bested

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales began. The first said, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men …

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26 Reasons Why Men Have 2 Dogs and Not 2 Wives:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. 3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don”t hate it. 4. Dogs don”t notice if you call them by another dog”s name. 5. Dogs like it if you leave a …

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Don’t Close the Blinds

The other day, my nine year old son wanted to know why we were at war. My husband looked at our son and then looked at me. My husband and I were in the Army during the Gulf War and we would be honored to serve and defend our Country again today. I knew that …

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For Veteran’s Day

I watched the flag pass by one day, It fluttered in the breeze. A young Marine saluted it, And then he stood at ease.. I looked at him in uniform So young, so tall, so proud, With hair cut square and eyes alert He”d stand out in any crowd. I thought how many men like …

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