Tag: USD

Male Logic: Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes. Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3 Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !) Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose. Woman: So a …

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Old Man Scam **Beware**

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This one caught me totally by surprise. This is a warning for all men and I wanted to pass it on in case you haven’t heard about it. It’s a ‘heads up’ for those older men who may be …

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Scottish Blood

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who …

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Penis Surgery

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on The freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in …

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Cautionary Tale

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.” The …

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Revenge

A student is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl sat by a table alone: -“Do you mind if I sit beside you? The girl replied with a loud voice: -“I DON ‘T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!” All the students in the library started …

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Never Under-estimate the Person Seated Next to You

A guy asked a girl in a university library: “Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice: “I DON’T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!” All the students in the library started staring at the guy; He was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, the girl …

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Colin the Brave

A rich man living in Balwyn decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, …

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Italian Solution

A Catholic priest, a doctor, a rich businessman , and an Italian Guy from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Italian Guy from New York fumed, ‘What’s with those frickin’ jerks? We’re waiting fifteen minutes between shots!’ The doctor chimed in, ‘I don’t …

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Choosing a Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new …

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Tequila

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s with the money in the jar?” “Well…, you pay $10, and …

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Donation

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’ ‘It is!’ ‘This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?’ ‘I can!’ ‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’ ‘I do!’ ‘Is he a member of your congregation?’ ‘He is!’ ‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’ ‘He will.’

Two Buddies

Two buddies, Fred and Jerry, were getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Jerry throws up all over himself. ‘Oh, no… Now my wife will kill me!’ Fred says, ‘Don’t worry, pal. Just tuck a TWENTY in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you TWENTY …

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Keeping You up to Date

Playboy magazine reportedly offered Sarah Palin $4,000,000 to pose nude in an upcoming issue. Michelle Obama was offered $50 by National Geographic. In other news… we all remember when KFC offered a “Hillary” meal, consisting of two small breasts and two large thighs. Now KFC is offering the “Obama Cabinet Bucket.” It consists of nothing, …

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Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate, and Sarah. If Mike, Dave, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wildman EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave, and John will each throw in $20, even …

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Why Are Men Never Depressed?

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack… You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a …

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Divorce Court

‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.’ ‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’

Thirsty Taliban

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?” The Jewish man replied, …

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Sex Frogs

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an ‘exotic’ pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: ‘SEX FROGS’ Only $20 each! Come with ‘complete’ instructions. The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her. She whispers softly to the …

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Labor Standards

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him. GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.” RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for …

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The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be …

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Investment 101

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today! If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today. If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today. But, if …

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Irish Golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. …

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I Ate Too Much

So tonight I went out to eat at a Japanese restaurant. I can’t tell you what the name of it is because I can’t read Kanji. As with most new restaurants I eat at I wasn’t sure what was good at this specific location. I ordered chyashu ramen (pork with noodles in a soup), gyoza …

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For Those Who Love Computers

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, ‘If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.’ In response to Bill’s comments, Ford issued a press release stating: …

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Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims

If you refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor. You may be a Muslim If you own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes. You may be a Muslim If you have more wives than teeth. You may be a Muslim If you …

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Margarita Lady

And they say there are no new business ideas? Lady Selling Margaritas on the Beach in a novel container. She charges $10 a minute. 10 minutes=$100 Reportedly she is clearing $1250.00 per day…

Square Testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an …

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Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES ¬∑ If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. ¬∑ If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Knucklehead and CRAP for Brains. EATING OUT ¬∑ When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will …

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Passports

Dear Sirs, I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable t.v. from them back in 1987, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on …

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Ads That Just Don’t Work Anymore

              Brace yourself — the copy reads: Though she was a tiger lady, our hero didn’t have to fire a shot to floor her. After one look at his Mr. Leggs slacks, she was ready to have him walk all over her. That noble styling sure soothes the savage …

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Tee House Sign

A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar: Cold Beer: $2.00 Hamburger: $2.25 Cheeseburger: $2.50 Chicken Sandwich: $3.50 Hand Job: $50.00 Checking his wallet to be sure …

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Taking Advantage

The madam opened the red light district brothel door in youngstown ohio and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. “May I help you sir?” she asked.. “I want to see sandy,” the man replied.. “Sir, sandy is one of our most expensive ladies of the nite. Perhaps …

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You May Be a Taliban If…

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor. 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes. 3. You have more wives than teeth. 4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.” 5. You think vests …

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Confounded Sex

A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for …

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Dog For Sale

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale ‘ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice …

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Proposed Server Cluster for Scenario Business

[Abstract] The purpose of this document is to provide a proposal for a server cluster that will be introduced to Kucera Clothiers. This proposal is based upon a scenario of Kucera Clothiers is looking to improve communications between their corporate headquarters that is located in Chicago and its 3,500 other locations throughout the world. Kucera …

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Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad; they’re very strong and very expensive.” “How much?” asked Grandpa. “$10.00 a pill,” Answered the son. …

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Two Plastic Bags

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag. Oh …

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Bass Pro Shop

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get; so she grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark glasses. She says, ‘Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything …

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How the Fight Started

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift. When his wife asked him why, he replied, “Well, she still hasn’t used the gift I bought her last year!” And that’s how the fight started… ————————– My wife walked …

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Gotemba Premium Outlets

Today I wanted to drive over toward Mount Fuji to see what it was looking like at this time of year. On the way over there I happened to notice some premium outlet stores at Gotemba and it looked like a good place to stop and look around. The outlet stores must be pretty popular …

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Penis Research

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, the French …

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Choosing a Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new …

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Estimating Business Investment

[Abstract] The purpose of this document is to provide an increased or basic knowledge of how automating the business by using computers and applications has advantages and disadvantages. Also included within this document is a plan to estimate the return on investment for automating the business, as well as, a determination of automating the business …

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Two Prostitutes – $50.00

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which read: ‘Two Prostitutes — $50.00.’ Suddenly a passing patrol officer spotted the sign displayed on the top of their car, stopped them, and warned them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail. About that time, another …

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Interesting Story

I’m reminded of the time that Catherine, a little girl in our neighborhood told me that she wanted to be President one day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there with me – and I asked Catherine – ‘If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?’ Catherine replied …

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Tattooist Takes Fan’s Request Literally

A supporter of Australian Football team Geelong Cats wanting a permanent reminder of the team’s AFL triumph has been left by a tattoo saying his team were “Gay Premiers 2007”. In a celebratory trip to Thailand last week “Neville”, a dyed-in-the-wool Cats fan, had 15 cans of beer to ease the pain of the 5-¬¨Œ© …

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44 Years of Marriage

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one Day and said, ‘Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a Sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal. …

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You May Be A Taliban…

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, our troops in Afghanistan prove they’ve trained their sense of humor with the following: “You may be a Taliban if . . . 1) You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. 2) You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but …

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