Tag: funny

Smart-ass Answers of 2017

SMART ASS ANSWER #6 It was mealtime during an airline flight. ‘Would you like dinner?’, the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.. ‘What are my choices?’ John asked. ‘Yes or no,’ she replied. SMART ASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she …

Continue reading

New Store

Two businessmen in a new shopping mall were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop… As yet, the shop wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.  One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what …

Continue reading

Humorous Taxi Driver Conversations

Name Not Instruction

Jewish Cab Driver

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid on the back seat.​ ​The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with …

Continue reading

Catholic Morning Coffee

Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, “My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.” The second Catholic man chirps, “My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call …

Continue reading

Tale of Two Alligators

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.” “Well,” said the big …

Continue reading

Chin Chin Restaurant

When I was in Las Vegas, Nevada I came across this restaurant. I saw the name and had to laugh because “chin chin” in Japanese means penis. I can’t say that I want to eat here. Who knows what they might serve? Yikes!

True Courage

Is it fighting a bull without a weapon? Is it flying a fighter in combat? Is it free fall parachuting? Is it bungee jumping? Is it white water rafting? Ah – But ​aare nothing! This, my friend, is true courage: (It’s also the last photo I have of my dog.)

Irish Ghost Story

John Bradford, Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on​ ​​​a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he​ ​could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.​ ​Suddenly, he saw a car …

Continue reading

Confucius Says

Confucius Say: It’s OK to let a fool kiss you; but don’t let a kiss fool you. Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise. Confucius Say: It is better to lose a lover than love a loser. Confucius Say: A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts. Confucius Say: Marriage …

Continue reading

Funny Aging Comics

How is Your Day Going?

Now that I think about it, my day is going pretty good.

Wisdom of an Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. “Excuse me; I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, “Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?” “I …

Continue reading

Republican Truck

I stopped by the Ford Dealership in Temecula yesterday, for a look at the new F-150 aluminum pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new truck “feel” before they become old. The salesperson, a very nice looking black lady, wearing a “Hillary for President” lapel …

Continue reading

Funny Sign at the Sea Life Aquarium

I was at the Sea Life Aquarium and I saw this sign. The way the sign shows a finger pointing at a fish with a line through it and then the outside fish has a sad face, it looks like the sign is saying, “Don’t point at the fish. It hurts their self esteem.” Maybe …

Continue reading

Why Women Live Longer

Texas Gun Control

McDonald’s Burger of the Month

So I was going through a box I have of old stuff from high school and I found these McDonald’s signs for burgers of the month. I can’t believe I still have these things. Before I throw them away I decided to scan them into my computer and share them because the date on these …

Continue reading

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my …

Continue reading

Aircraft Maintenance Humor

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a’gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. …

Continue reading

Funny Signs

Motivational Posters #11

Sleeping With Mick

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decid ed it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning …

Continue reading

Robot for Sale

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, “I did some schoolwork.” The robot slaps the son. The son says, “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend’s …

Continue reading

Blow Dryer Mishap

A good lesson for all… Bob’s wife caught him blow-drying his pecker this morning and asked him what the hell he was doing? Apparently, “heating up your breakfast” was not the right answer.

Husband Makes The Lunches

For the 1st time in their 3 year marriage, a wife asked if her husband would mind making the next day’s lunches for them both. Obligingly he agrees. The next morning, the young wife asks her loving husband, ‘Where are our lunches honey?’ He replied, ‘I put them on the second shelf of the fridge. …

Continue reading

Hockey Signs

Help a Friend Out

Marriage Counseling

A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems. The counselor sits them down and says “Let’s start by talking about what you both have in common.” The husband says, “Well for starters, neither one of us will suck a dick.”

The Penis Poem

Hillbilly Dream Catcher

Divorce Lawyers

Crappy Day

Motivational Posters #10

Budweiser Wisdom

Trip Away

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?”…. Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.

Fortune Teller

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I screwed a girl named “Penny.” Is that spooky or what?

Coming or Going

My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going. ”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”

Sorry for not Calling

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the heck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

Back Door

I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day!

Text Message

Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol’ Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick….. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”


A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they screwed my wife after only five beers!”

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman …

Continue reading

Male Logic

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.” A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?” He replied, “They had avocados.” …

Continue reading

Cowboy Tombstone

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan , Utah . He died not knowing that he would win the “Coolest Headstone” contest. FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE: 1. It’s important to have a …

Continue reading

Bar Girls

Romantic Story

My wife, being the romantic sort, just sent me a text… If you are sleeping, send me your dreams If you are laughing, send me your smile If you are eating, send me a bite If you are drinking, send me a sip If you are crying, send me your tears I love you I …

Continue reading

A Letter From Little Timmy To Santa

Dear Santa, How are you ?…How is Mrs. Claus ? I hope the reindeer and the elves are all doing fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. …

Continue reading


A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?’ The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The priest then asked, “Have you …

Continue reading