Blonde Joke in a Bar

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice, “Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

One: The bartender is a blonde woman.

Two: The bouncer is a blonde woman.

Three: The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional boxer.

Four: The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Five: I’m a 6-foot, 200 pound blonde woman with a Ph.D., a black belt in karate, and a very bad attitude!

Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: “Nah. not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Bravest Firemen

One dark night outside a small town in Wisconsin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.” But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Vell,” said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, “Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!”

Money

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door.
SON : “Daddy, may I ask you a question?”
DAD: “Yeah sure, what is it?”
SON : “Daddy, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “That’s none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?”
SON : “I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “If you must know, I make $100 an hour.”
SON : “Oh! (with his head down).
SON : “Daddy, may I please borrow $50?”
The father was furious.
DAD: “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior.”
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 50 and he really didn’t ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.
DAD: “Are you asleep, son?”
SON : “No daddy, I’m awake”.
DAD: “I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier. It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here’s the $50 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, smiling.
SON : “Oh, thank you daddy! ”
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.
DAD: “Why do you want more money if you already have some?”
SON : “Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do.
“Daddy, I have $100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.”

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.

It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.

Do remember to share that $100 worth of your time with someone you love?

If we die tomorrow, the company that w e are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days.

But the family and friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family.

The Late Worker

Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk.

“Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”

“Yes, I know boss and I am working on it.

“Well, good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear. It’s odd though, your coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?”

“They said, ‘Good morning, General.'”

Three Brazilian Soldiers

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Awesome Helicopter Paint Job

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This very special Mi-24 helicopter is presently flying in Afghanistan, where it is no doubt causing quite a stir.

Fascinate

A grade school teacher at Little Johnny’s school asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.” The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.” The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.

Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before, but finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him. Billy said, “My Aunt Gina got a new sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.”

The teacher sat down and cried.

George Carlin’s Solution to Save Gasoline

The President of the United States wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down. Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier’s pay while he’s there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved.

Marriage Counseling, Southern Style

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Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife – she hasn’t spoke to me in over 2 months.”

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, “You better think it over – women like that are hard to find.

Leaving Tokyo

Today I’m leaving Tokyo, Japan. This was a nice trip to take it easy and catch up with friends. I’m sitting at the Narita airport waiting to catch the plane. I just finished eating at McDonalds. The thing that is crazy about McDonalds here in Japan is that I asked for 1 BBQ sauce to each my french fries with and the lady told me I can’t get a BBQ sauce when I order a burger. This is the 2nd time this happened to me in Japan. So after requesting a BBQ sauce for a couple of minutes, I finally asked her if my wasn’t good at McDonalds. She finally fessed one up. That is definitely some Japanese thinking. They definitely don’t think outside the box and heaven forbid somebody actually likes BBQ sauce with their french fries. Oh well, it has definitely been a good trip and it was very enjoyable seeing how Tokyo has changed. Now just for the long plane ride back to the US.

Why It Is So Important To Learn English

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The Last Word

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight starving, dirty, smelled terrible, hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn’t know what to call her so we named her “Pussycat.”

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, “OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.” He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) who wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet are good friends, they golf together, and take occasional football trips – but they rarely see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband ‘El-Cheap-O’, and my husband calls the vet ‘El-Charge-O’. They love to hate each other and constantly ‘snipe’ at one another. On this particular occasion, my husband got in the last word.

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor who is located in the professional building next door to the vet’s office. The MD’s waiting room and office were full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and the vet leaned in – he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said: “Your wife’s pussy doesn’t stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she’s pregnant. God only knows who the father is!” Then he closed the door.

Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!

Welcome to Walmart!

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into WalMart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The WalMart Greeter said pleasantly “Good morning, and welcome to WalMart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?” The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no they ain’t. The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?” “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,”replied the greeter. “I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at WalMart.”

You named it what?

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Letter to Mum and Dad

Dear Mom and Dad,
You’ll be happy to hear that I have finally left my black boyfriend. I know you both didn’t approve of him because of his race and the fact that he is ten years older than me. I found, as you suggested, a white boy the same age as me. Attached is a recent photo of the two of us. He’s looking forward to meeting you both.

Your loving daughter,
Jenny

Sumbitch

A filthy rich Floridian man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, “I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.” The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, “Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars,”

“No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,” said Leroy.

The rich man said, “Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?”

“No thanks, I don’t want it,” answered Leroy.

The host said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche And a Rolex and some stock options?”

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, “Well, Leroy, then what Do you want?”

Leroy said, “I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed Me in the pool!”

How To Get Kicked Out of The Air Force 101


Who says AF people aren’t a little wild…

When it gets hot outside on the flight line, people get a little crazy!!

A few days ago somebody found a pic of a KC-135 guy marshaling a jet in his underwear. The next day Airman Jerknuts of our grand 34th AMU decided to out do the tanker guy. I think our guy won!

The chief lost his mind over this. He read 11 people their rights and they all lawyered up. The chief confiscated a bunch of cameras (not before the pics got put on laptops of course) The kid asked everyone if they minded, including the aircrew and super, no one cared.

There’s a huge cluster-gaggle with it. Apparently every lawyer in the AOR plus a few extras have to be flown in for this.

A mystery unfolded……

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington, DC has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice.

Why Men Shouldn’t Buy Baby Clothes

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Mori Building Tokyo, Japan

Today I took the train over to Roppongi Hills and I went up inside Mori Building. Here are some of the photos of I took of different landmarks in Tokyo. You can see Fuji television, Rainbow Bridge, Tokyo Tower, and other views.

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Roppongi, Tokyo

Today I went to Roppongi Tokyo and took some photos. There was a typhoon here last Wednesday so it was raining for the last couple days. Today it was hot as hell.

Japanese Fashion: Coming Soon to a Walmart Near You!


What you see below are not see-thru skirts. They are actually prints on the skirts to make it look as if the panties are visible and these are the current rage in Japan. They’ll be the rage here in the USA soon.

Updated Oldy: Democratic Convention

7:00 pm ~ Opening flag burning
7:15 pm ~ Pledge of Allegiance to the U. N.
7:20 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
7:25 pm ~ Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton
7:45 pm ~ Ceremonial tree hugging
7:55 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:00 pm ~ How I Invented the Internet – Al Gore
8:15 pm ~ Gay Wedding Planning – Barney Frank presiding
8:35 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:40 pm ~ Our Troops are War Criminals – John Kerry
9.00 pm ~ Memorial service for Saddam and his sons – Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
10:00 pm ~ ‘Answering Machine Etiquette’ – Alec Baldwin
11:00 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 pm! ~ Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund – Barbra Streisand
11:15 pm ~ Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay – Sean Penn
11:30 pm ~ Oval Office Affairs – William Jefferson Clinton
11:45 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:50 pm ~ How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers – Howard Dean
12:15 am ~ ‘Truth in Broadcasting Award’ – Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore
12:25 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:30 am ~ Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
12:45 am ~ Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi
1:00 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
1:05 am ~ Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton
1:30 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
1:35 am ~ Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home

Arriving in Honshu, Japan

Today I landed at Narita airport and took a shuttle bus from Narita to Sagami-ono. Here are some photos I took while I was landing and of the bus ride.

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Dog Pack Attacks Gator In East Texas

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty. The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the “apex predator”, can still fall victim to implemented ‘team work’ strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and “survival of the pack mentality” bred into the canines.

See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of th e gator.

Not for the squeamish!

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Dumb Blonde

Mona Lisa

Refridgerator Magnet

Soccer Fan

Winner of the Not My Job Award

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Fortune Cookie

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