Tag: husband

Poker

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les’ wife, Sue wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table …

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40 Years of Marriage

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a …

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Man Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife. “They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies. ”Put them back, we can’t afford them” demands the wife, they carry …

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The Way Women Think

Husband’s Text Message to wife Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays. Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches. I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound …

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The Cab Ride

I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes, I walked to the  door and knocked. ‘Just a minute’, answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90’s stood before me. She was wearing …

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Spice It Up

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband sipping a glass of wine. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs wide enough that her husband asks, “Are you …

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Men Do Remember

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at …

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A Touching Moment…

This letter was sent to the Broken Hill High School Principal’s office in Broken Hill, Australia after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. …

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Disco

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moon-walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.” Husband says: “Looks like he’s still celebrating!!!

Idiot Sightings

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 . I said “May I have large bills, please”? She looked at me and said “I’m sorry sir; all the bills are the same size.” When I got up off the floor I explained it to her. Columbus, OH. When my husband and …

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Chinese Restaurant

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and orders the “Chicken Surprise.” The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the …

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Husband Makes The Lunches

For the 1st time in their 3 year marriage, a wife asked if her husband would mind making the next day’s lunches for them both. Obligingly he agrees. The next morning, the young wife asks her loving husband, ‘Where are our lunches honey?’ He replied, ‘I put them on the second shelf of the fridge. …

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Marriage Counseling

A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems. The counselor sits them down and says “Let’s start by talking about what you both have in common.” The husband says, “Well for starters, neither one of us will suck a dick.”

Trip Away

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?”…. Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.

Coming or Going

My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going. ”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”

Male Logic

A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.” A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?” He replied, “They had avocados.” …

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Horse Races

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. ‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’. The man then said ‘When I …

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Christmas Shopping

A couple was Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers. Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very …

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Strong Coffee

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido. ‘What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor. ‘Not a chance’, she said… ‘He won’t even take an aspirin.’ ‘Not a problem,’ replied the doctor. ‘Give him an ‘Irish Viagra’… ‘What is Irish Viagra?’, she asked. It’s when …

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Men

A man was granted two wishes by God, he asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa. ********************************************************* There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get married …

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The Butler

A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn’t having a good time at the party. So, she came home early, alone. Her …

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Women’s Revenge

‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. ‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked. ‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and …

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Woman’s Perfect Breakfast

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What w as the first thing your husband said to …

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India School of Business – Lesson 1

Rajpat (father): I want you to marry a girl of my choice. Son: “I will choose my own bride!” Rajpat: “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter..” Son: “Well, in that case… ok” Next Rajpat approaches Bill Gates. Rajpat: “I have a husband for your daughter…” Bill Gates: “But my daughter is too young to …

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Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. ‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious …

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Puns

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.” 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic …

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Philosophers’ Views of Wives and Marriage

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. David Bissonette After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.. Sacha Guitry By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be …

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The Snow Storm

I just got off the phone with a girlfriend, living in northern North Dakota near the Canadian border. She said that since early this morning the snow has nearly reached waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband …

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British Wedding Photograph

This is a very nice souvenir photograph of 24 newly wedded couples in Enfield , near London…I just hope, for their sake, that each husband goes home with the right tablecloth!

Socially Unacceptable Humor

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.” I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor – she only had …

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Bikini Shopping

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice. ‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’ ‘Better …

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Emergency Room

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’ ‘Me neither, doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’

Divorce Court

‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week.’ ‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’

Proof That The World Is Nuts

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense!) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He …

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He said To Me!

He said to me… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it? I said to him… You wear pants don’t you? He said to me… Shall we try swapping positions tonight? I said to him… That’s a good idea – you stand by the stove & sink while …

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Who Does What

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and you …

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Wife vs. Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, ‘Relatives of yours?’ ‘Yep,’ the wife replied, ‘in-laws.’

Woman’s Revenge

‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. ‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked. ‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me, …

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Women’s Perfect Breakfast

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Divorce vs Murder

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.” The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.” The pharmacist’s eyes got big …

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Would You Marry Again?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question…. WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?” HUSBAND: “Definitely not!” WIFE: “Why not? Don’t you like being married?” HUSBAND: “Of course I do..” WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you …

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The Hillbilly Vasectomy

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could …

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Bad Weather

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the …

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Never Assume That Men Understand

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there …

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Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good …

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Top Four Adult Jokes of 2009

Fourth Place: A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, ‘Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.’ She replies, ‘If your penis is …

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The Are Finally Together

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy again, remarried … and this time, she & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 …

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Perspective

Two women are chatting in office Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you? Woman 2: Yes. Woman 1: Was it good? Woman 2: No, it was a disaster… my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell …

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Married Woman

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, …

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