Tag: money

Dollar Shave Club

I’ve been hearing about the “Dollar Shave Club” for a while now as a radio advertisement. After thinking about it and trying to figure out how it works, I decided to break down and give it a try. I see there are 3 different types of razors offered. There is a 9 dollar 6 blade …

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2016 United States Presidential Race Views

I’m an American trying to do my due diligence by paying attention to the political race that has been going on and when I look at the candidates this is what I see. Please be mindful that it is early and I haven’t had all the time in the world to research every candidate out …

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Success

Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you’re 65. You may not realize it now, but …

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Aphorisms for the Year

– It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame. – We have enough “youth.” How about a fountain of “smart”? – A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party. – When blondes have more fun, do they know it? – Learn from your parent’s mistakes — …

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They walk among us!

1.They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became …

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Male Logic: Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes. Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3 Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !) Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose. Woman: So a …

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Amazing Discovery

Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.. The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, …

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Fortune Teller

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I screwed a girl named “Penny.” Is that spooky or what?

Vote Early and Often

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~ Jay Leno The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Henry Cate, VII We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~ Aesop If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these …

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Dear Abby

Dear Abby, My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but …

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Choosing a Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new …

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Tequila

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s with the money in the jar?” “Well…, you pay $10, and …

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Date Expectations

A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parents’ home. I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster Patron. Champagne. I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?” “No,” …

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Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate, and Sarah. If Mike, Dave, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wildman EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave, and John will each throw in $20, even …

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Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the …

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New Orleans Finest Entrepreneur

Lets get the players straight before we go on with this. LARMONDO “FLAIR” ALLEN His Companion: Kawanner Armstrong His Sons: Christian Allen Kwan Allen Larmondo Allen, Jr. His Daughters: Deidra Allen Larmenshell Allen Lamonshea Allen Larmomdriel Allen Larmerja Allen Korevell Allen AT AGE 25 – He had 9 Children. (Could Kawanner Armstrong Possibly Be The …

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How to Save the Airlines

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell — They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, …

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Where did Piss Poor Come From?

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery… if you had to do this to survive you were “Piss Poor.” But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn’t even …

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The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be …

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Why Did Bernie Madoff Go To Prison?

Why did Bernie Madoff go to prison? To make it simple, he talked people into investing with him. Trouble was, he didn’t invest their money. As time rolled on he simply took the money from the new investors to pay off the old investors. Finally there were too many old investors and not enough money …

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Irish Golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. …

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He Folds Money and Lives in a Garbage Truck

This guy does origami with dollar bills and lives in a converted garbage truck. Won Park is the master of Origami. He is also called the “money folder”, a practitioner of origami whose canvas is the United States One Dollar Bill. Bending, twisting, and folding, he creates life-like shapes in stunning detail.

A Paraprosdokian

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.¬† ‚Ä®¬† I asked God for …

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Square Testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an …

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Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES ¬∑ If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. ¬∑ If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Knucklehead and CRAP for Brains. EATING OUT ¬∑ When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will …

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An Airline With a Sense of Humor

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn’t take itself too seriously. Check out their new livery! Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg . Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight “safety lecture” and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard …

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Questions to Ponder

Can you cry under water? _____ How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? _____ Why do you have to “put your two cents in”…. but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to? _____ Once you’re in heaven, do you …

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A Senior Citizen

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’ ‘Yep!’ ‘Do I know her?’ ‘Nope!’ ‘This woman, is she good looking?’ ‘Not really.’ ‘Is she a good cook?’ ‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’ ‘Does she have lots of money?’ ‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’ ‘Well, then, is …

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Things We Should Probably Know, But Don’t

1. Money isn’t made out of paper, it’s made out of cotton. 2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper. 3. The dot over the letter i is called a ‘tittle’. 4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the …

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Perspective

Two women are chatting in office Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you? Woman 2: Yes. Woman 1: Was it good? Woman 2: No, it was a disaster… my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell …

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Taking Advantage

The madam opened the red light district brothel door in youngstown ohio and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. “May I help you sir?” she asked.. “I want to see sandy,” the man replied.. “Sir, sandy is one of our most expensive ladies of the nite. Perhaps …

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Political Science For Dummies

DEMOCRATIC You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you. REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage …

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Problems Incurred When Implementing New Technology

[Abstract] The purpose of this document is to describe what types of problems are most likely to be incurred while implementing a technology into an organization, such as the collaboration system into the organization for Kucera Clothiers scenario. Also included within this document are recommendations for how the problems can be resolved. This document is …

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Problems a Business Can Incur

[Abstract] The purpose of this document is to describe what types of problems are most likely to be incurred while implementing a technology into an organization, such as the collaboration system into the organization for Kucera Clothiers scenario. Also included within this document are recommendations for how the problems can be resolved. This document is …

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Strategic Information Management

[Abstract] The purpose of this document is to provide a basic understanding of managing information systems by utilizing a scenario of a store that has multiple sites and locations to deliver products in a fast and efficient manner. The corporate IT strategy is to improve IT communications throughout the organization. There are three projects under …

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Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad; they’re very strong and very expensive.” “How much?” asked Grandpa. “$10.00 a pill,” Answered the son. …

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Cyber Crime Offenders

[Abstract] The purpose of this document is intended to discuss motives, opportunity, and means of typical cyber offenders. Also included within this document are three different reasons of why some cyber crime offenders are prosecuted, while others are not. This document is intended for anybody looking to gain a basic understanding of why different people …

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Two Plastic Bags

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag. Oh …

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Business Continuity

[Abstract] The purpose of this document is to provide a basic knowledge of how having a business backup plan can maintain business continuity. Also included within this document are guidelines to maintain business continuity and an explanation of some consequences for not following the business continuity guidelines. [Content] When the September 11th attacks on the …

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Oil Change Instructions

Oil Change instructions for Women: 1.) Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change. 2.) Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper. 3.) 15 minutes later, write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: Oil Change: $40.00 Coffee: $2.00 Total: $42.00 Oil …

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Financial Institutions Handle Privacy

[Abstract] The purpose of this document is to analyze why many financial institutions assess privacy as a compliance issue as opposed to a risk management issue. Included within this document are two different current regulations to help consumers protect their privacy. Also included within this document is an example of the primary causes of network …

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Retired Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads to the docks once more for old times’ sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, “How am I …

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Choosing a Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money. The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new …

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Bubba and the Psychiatrist

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. ‘I’ve got problems Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’ ‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid …

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Differences Between Women And Men

1. NAMES If Rebecca, Linda, Anna and Jeanne go out for lunch, they will call each other Rebecca, Linda, Anna and Jeanne. If Mark, Harold, Dave and Rob go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. 2. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mark, Harold, Dave and …

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Urine Test

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with which I have no problem. What I do …

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Bravest Firemen

One dark night outside a small town in Wisconsin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed …

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Money

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door. SON : “Daddy, may I ask you a question?” DAD: “Yeah sure, what is it?” SON : “Daddy, how much do you make an hour?” DAD: “That’s none of your business. Why do …

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Italian Lawyers

A professor of law had just finished a guest lecture at a law school in Italy when an Italian lawyer approached him and asked, “Is it true that a person can fall down on a sidewalk in your country and then sue the land owners for lots of money?” Told it was true, the lawyer …

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Thailand Crocodile Show

Today I went over to the Pattaya crocodile farm and watched a crocodile show. The only thing I can say is, “Holy Crap!” This guy climbed into a pit with a bunch of crocodiles. He then began to do things like open their mouths and stick his hand in it. Then he tapped their teeth …

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