Today I took the Atlantis Submarine tour out of the Hawaiian Hilton Hotel. This tour was superb. First you leave from Waikiki and they take you out on a boat to rendezvous with a submarine that is waiting. You want to be sure to get there early and try to take the earliest tour if you can because then you have the best chance to see sharks and other cool fish. Once everybody boards the submarine they take you down to a depth of 100 feet deep. While down there you get to see some of the sea restoration projects they have going on where a couple ships, a plane, and scaffolding were sunk in order to create an artificial reef. Here are a few photos from my experience.
Atlantis Submarine Tour – Honolulu Hawaii
New Tax Law
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.’, ‘Effective January 1, 2005, the male penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:
12+” Capital Gains $50.00
10-12″ Luxury Tax $30.00
8-10″ Pole Tax $25.00
5-8″ Privilege Tax $15.00
4-5″ Nuisance Tax $3.00
<4″ Elegible for a refund Please do not ask for an extension!
IRS Note: We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:
Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
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“Somebody” Knows Jack About Motherhood
military “boot camp.”
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Make Time for Loved Ones
After 21 years of marriage, My wife wanted me to take another woman out to dinner and a movie. She said, “I love you but I know this other woman loves you and would love to spend some time with you.” The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my MOTHER, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my three children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.’, ‘That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie.”What’s wrong, are you well,” she asked? My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news. “I thought that it would be pleasant to spend some time with you,” I responded. “Just the two of us.” She thought about it for a moment, and then said, “I would like that very much.” That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous. When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary. She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel”s. “I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed,” she said, as she got into the car. “They can”t wait to hear about our meeting.”
We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady. After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entries, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips. “It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small,” she said. “Then it”s time that you relax and let me return the favor,” I responded. During the dinner, we had an agreeable conversation nothing extraordinary but catching up on recent events of each other”s life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, “I’ll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you.” I agreed.
“How was your dinner date?” asked my wife when I got home. “Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined,” I answered. A few days later, my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn”t have a chance to do anything for her. Some time later, I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: “I paid this bill in advance. I wasn”t sure that I could be there; but nevertheless, I paid for two plates – one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you, son.” At that moment, I understood the importance of saying in time: “I LOVE YOU” and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve. Nothing in life is more important than your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till “some other time.”
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Classic Schwartzkopf Quote
In a recent interview, General Norman Schwartzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harbored and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.
His answer was classic Schwartzkopf. The General said, I believe that forgiving them is God’s function. Our job is to arrange the meeting.
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Happy Easter
We here at The Kumachan want to wish each of you a very happy Easter holiday. Be sure to keep an eye out for what kind of chocolate eggs you are eating. We are yet to find a bunny large enough to lay chocolate eggs and even if there are bunnies that big, we still haven”t found a bunny that lays eggs. Bunnies only seem to leave on thing behind and they”re not eggs. They”re bunny berries! Have a Happy Holiday.
The Kumachan Staff
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The Real Health Hazard? Reading Too Much
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat..
8 days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; This morning I stopped reading.
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Toast of the Night
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer & said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.” She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?” John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.” Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said. The next day Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the corner. He chuckled and said, “John won the prize last night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.” She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.
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IRS Genie
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He”s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. This one is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray dress. There”s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
“Well, cowboy,” says the genie “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”
“I”m not falling for this.” said the cowboy. “I”m not going to trust an IRS genie.”
“Whatta got ta lose? You”ve got no transportation , and it looks like you”re a goner anyway!”
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he”s surrounded by jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
“OK, cowpoke, what”s your second wish?”
“My second wish is that I am rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
“OK, cowpuncher, ya got just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”
***POOF***
He”s turned into a tampon.
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Government Job
A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Have you been in the service?” “Yes,” he says. “I was in Vietnam for three years”.
The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points toward employment” and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes 100%…a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off.”
The interviewer tells the guy, “O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M.”
The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M.‚ then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?”
“This is a government job” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls…….no point in you coming in for that.
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One Smart Gator
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I cain”t unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger ”n me. We”re the same age, we wuz the same size as kids. I just don”t get it.”
“Well,” said the big ”gator, “what ya been eatin” boy?”
“Politicians, same”s you,” replied the small gator.
“Hmm. Well, where ya catch ”em?”
“Down ”tother side the swamp near the parkin” lot, by the capitol.”
“Same here. Hmm. How ya catch ”em?”
“Well, I crawls up under one ”em Lexus and wait fer ”em to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab ”em on the leg, shake the shit out”em, and eat”em!”
“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see yer problem. You ain”t gettin” any real nourshment. See, by time you done shakin” the shit outta politician, there ain”t nothin” left but an asshole and a briefcase!
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How To Avoid The Flu
- Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
- Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
- Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
- Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
- Wash your hands often. If you can”t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
- Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
- Get plenty of rest.
- Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
or
Think about it. When you go in for a shot, what do they do first? They clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs.
so……
- I walk to the liquor store (exercise).
- I put lime in my Corona (fruit).
- Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggie).
- Drink outdoor at the patio bar (fresh air).
- Get drunk, tell jokes, laugh (relieve stress).
- Then pass out (rest).
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can’t get you! Cheers! “It’s five o’clock somewhere!
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2005 college football Hawaii vs Michigan State
In 2004, the University of Hawaii with their superstars of Timmy Chang and Chad Owens, beat Michigan State in Hawaii. For the 2005 season, Hawaii will have to find 30 new member replacements for their losses of players they suffered in 2004. This year Hawaii is going to Michigan. It will be nice to watch Michigan State kick the living hell out of Hawaii and let these crappy WAC teams know they just aren’t on the same level as schools in other conferences.
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Happy Valentine’s Day!
Don’t forget to get that special someone something sweet or romantic today. In case you don’t have a special someone then perhaps you may need to buy a jar of vasoline or batteries, either way have a great day!
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A Mother Suspects
Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian”s mother couldn”t help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian”s room mate, Stephanie, was. Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs. Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and stephanie, than met the eye. Reading his mom”s thoughts, Brian volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just room mates.”
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” Brian said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her am e-mail just to be sure.” So he sat down! and wrote:
Dear Mother:
I’m not saying that you “did” take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you “did not” take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I’m not saying that you “do” sleep with Stephanie, and I’m not saying that you “do not” sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom
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President Bush’s Inaugural Speech Summary
This document will cover the key points of the 2005 presidential inaugural speech that was given by George W. Bush in January 2005. Within the Presidential speech you may or may not have heard key points that were a bit confusing. This document will try to mitigate any confusion by spelling it out in plain English.’, ‘The first key point the President made was about the success of liberty in America depends on the success of liberty in foreign lands. By saying this President Bush was simply stating that anybody who opposes our way of life would have to contend with the stern hand of America. Anybody who is willing to accept democracy the United States will be there to support them in becoming a free nation. The second key point that was being made was about human rights. The point being made was that if you accept our views on human rights you will see the US is more than just, however if you want to defy the US’s views on human rights and you will see how much of a burden you will be bringing on yourself. The President identifies what he believes are clear examples of immoral acts of human rights. He tried to identify how human rights would never be upheld without liberty and by stating the message is not only being sent out to rulers of other nations, but to the followers of the rulers. It takes everybody to make these sets of ideals to be upheld. Another key point I believe the President was trying to make was that the US has taken on great responsibilities by taking the lead as a nation to step up and do what other countries weren’t willing to do and for the US to keep doing this there needs to be sacrifices made for one’s country.
In conclusion, the President’s speech was directed at focusing on the ideals he believes Americans are most concerned with and ultimately will unite everyone with one common bond.
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Confession
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand in the weak light, tears running down her face. Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, pale lips moving slightly.
“Becky my darling,” he whispered.
“Hush my love,” she said. “Rest, don”t talk.”
He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice, “I have something that I must confess.”
“There”s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky, “everything”s all right, go to sleep now.”
“No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I…I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother.” “I know sweet one” whispered Becky, “let the poison work.
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Patrols at Bagram Airfield
Patrols at Bagram airfield in Afghanistan can certainly be hazardous to your health. Be sure not to go off the beaten path the life you save could be your own.
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Bad Day at Work
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.’, ‘Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you”ve been feeling down lately at work,so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it”s not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It”s a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.
This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I”ve used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It”s like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don”t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn”t stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn”t poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you”re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
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When I Was a Kid
When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year ”round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from starving to death!’, ‘And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they”ve got it!
But…. Now that I”ve reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can”t help, but look around and notice the youth of today. You”ve got it so ***** easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned Utopia! I hate to say it but you kids today you don”t know how good you”ve got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn”t have The Internet-we needed to find out something, we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up ourselves!
And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter-with a pen! –And then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the ***** mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted free music, you had to go to the damned record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ”d usually talk over the beginning and f***ed it all up!
You want to hear about hardship? You couldn”t just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of “Hustler” at the 7-11! It was either that or jackoff to the lingerie section of the JC Penney catalog! Those were your options!
We didn”t have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal! And we didn”t have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was. It could be your boss, your mom, your drug dealer, your ex-girlfriend, that ugly chick from math class, that hot chick from math class, you just didn”t know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
And we didn”t have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like “Space Invaders” and “Asteroids” and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as Stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed!
And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning… D”ya hear what the ***** I”m saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!
That”s exactly what I”m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You”re spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn”t last five minutes back in 1980!
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Male or Female?
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:
1.) Ziploc Bags — They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2.) Copiers — They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It”s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3.) Tire — Male, because it goes bald and it”s often over-inflated.
4.) Hot Air Balloon — Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there”s the hot air component.
5.) Sponges — Female, because they”re soft, squeezable and retain water.
6.) Web Page — Female, because it”s always getting hit on.
7.) Subway — Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8.) Hourglass — Female, because over time, the weight can shift to the bottom.
9.) Hammer — Male, because it hasn”t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it”s handy to have around.
10.) Remote Control — Female. Ha! You thought it”d be Male. But consider this — it gives a man pleasure, he”d be lost without it, and while he doesn”t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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Circle Flies
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. “You were speeding,” the cop said. “I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”
“Yep,” the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.
“These flies sure are terrible,” the trooper complained.
“Yep,” the farmer said. “Them are circle flies.”
“What’s a circle fly?”
“Them flies that circle a horse’s tail,” answered the farmer. “Them are circle flies.”
“You wouldn’t be calling me a horse’s ass, would you?” the trooper angrily asked.
“Nope, I didn’t” the farmer replied. “But you just can’t fool them flies.
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Are they?
A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?” Embarrassed the young nurse replies, “I don”t know, I”m only here to wash your face and hands.” He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, Are my testicles black?” Again the nurse replies, “I can”t tell. I”m only here to wash your face and hands.” The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong. “Sister,” he mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, took a good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, “Nothing wrong with them!!!” At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, “Are my test results back?
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Rejection Line
In case you meet anybody who you don”t want to give your telephone number to, but you do anyway because you feel bad – try this instead: Rejection line: If you are a woman/man and are constantly approached by unattractive or undesirable women/men asking for your phone number, give them this number:
Boston: 617-658-7083
New York City: 212-479-7990
Los Angeles: 310-217-7638
San Francisco: 415-356-9833
Atlanta: 770-908-7383
Charlotte: 704-559-4169
Chicago: 773-509-5096
Cleveland: 216-556-0051
Denver: 303-575-1696
Las Vegas: 702-387-2619
Miami: 305-460-3285
Seattle: 206-781-3928
Washington, DC: 202-452-7468
when the guy/woman calls that number, they get a friendly message saying that they were rejected.
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Apache Helicopters in Action
It is not advisable to be on the receiving end of one of these apache helicopters.
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Black Hawk Helicopters in Action
Here are some Black Hawk helicopters in action over the skies in Iraq.
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Stupid Statistics
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that”s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig”s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I”m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home…… maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male”s head off.
(“Honey, I”m home. What the….?!”)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It”s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes… lucky pig… can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm……..)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you”re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing….)
A cat”s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich”s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they”ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
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3 Certainties
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 60s or early 70s. “Can I help you?” she asked.
“I want to see Natalie’ the man replied.
“Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else.” said the madam.
“No. I must see Natalie” was the man’s reply.
Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row – it was simply too expensive – and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. “No one as ever used me three nights in a row.” Where are you from?” she asked.
The man replied, “Texas.”
“Really” she said. “I have family in Texas.”
“I know,” the man said. “Your father died and I am your sister’s attorney.
She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”
The moral of the story is:
Some things in life are certain
1. Taxes
2. Death
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
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Poker Player
Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he couldn”t help but notice that Bill”s wife Sue”s, legs were spread wide and she wasn”t wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill”s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything you liked under there?”
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did.
She said, “Well, you can have it but it”ll cost you $500.”
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial as well as the moral costs of this offer, John indicated that he is indeed interested. She told him that since her husband, Bill, worked Friday afternoons and John didn”t, that John should be at her house around 2:00 Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill”s house for the planned time with Sue at 2:00pm sharp and after paying her the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their sexual transaction as Sue had promised.
Afterwards, John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6:00pm and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly, “Did John come by the house this afternoon?”
A little worried, Bill”s wife answered, “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.”
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?”
In terror, she assumed that somehow he had found out, and after mustering up her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”
Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he”d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”
NOW THAT”S A POKER PLAYER.