Tag: kids

Look at Your Kids and Think

Decline of Spanking and Increase of Child Disrespect

The Next Generation

Little Larry the Fighter Pilot

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Little Larry says: “I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, …

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Aphorisms for the Year

– It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame. – We have enough “youth.” How about a fountain of “smart”? – A Fool and his money can throw one heck of a party. – When blondes have more fun, do they know it? – Learn from your parent’s mistakes — …

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Corvette Diner San Diego

Went to the Corvette Diner today. This place was pretty neat because it has a throwback vibe about it and there are plenty of games for both kids and adults to enjoy. It was a fun experience and I snapped the following photos while I was there.

Marriage (written by kids)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. — Alan, age 10 -No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to …

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The Amazing WD-40

I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was …

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Why Athletes Can’t Have Regular Jobs

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I wan’ all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to copulate me.” 2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 …

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Tonsils vs. Circumcision

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?” The second kid says, “I’m getting my tonsils out, and I’m afraid.” The first kid says, “You’ve got …

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I Think You’re The Father of One of My Kids…

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, ‘Hello – I think you are the father of one of my kids.’ Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, ‘Are you the stripper from …

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A Pilot Father’s Tough Love

Since I’m a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don’t know whether it’s the steady vibration from the engines, or just …

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Dear Abby

Dear Abby, My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but …

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Puns

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.” 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic …

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Emergency Room

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’ ‘Me neither, doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’

Little Johnny Doesn’t Need Anything

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home. 1st kid says “A computer”. Teacher replies “That’d be very useful.” 2nd kid says “a new lawn mower” and gets a similar response. Little Johnny pops up and says ” At my house we don’t need nothin.” The …

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What is the main ingredient of WD-40?

Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40 is? Don’t lie and don’t cheat. WD-40. Who knew; I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this …

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The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But …

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Should I really join Facebook?

When I bought my Blackberry I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids …

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The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But …

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1st Day on the Job

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day…… About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the …

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Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad; they’re very strong and very expensive.” “How much?” asked Grandpa. “$10.00 a pill,” Answered the son. …

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Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ‘ Happy Birthday.’ I thought… …

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I Was Drugged

Single vs. Engaged vs. Married

Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, “Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He …

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Spanish Words of the Day

1. Cheese The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito Replies: ‚ÄúMaria likes me, but cheese fat.‚Äù 2. Mushroom When all of my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom. 3. Shoulder My fren wanted to become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I shoulder. …

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50th Anniversary

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor. ‘Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,’ gushed son number one …. ‘Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn’t …

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The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome

The Transformative Effects of Marriage on the Y-chromosome. Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men….that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes . After a few days they meet again…..The engaged girlfriend …

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Deer or Dear?

A man goes deer hunting and successfully fills his freezer with venison. One night he cooks some up for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their …

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The “Middle Wife” by an Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps …

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How to Decide who to Marry:

How to Decide who to Marry: You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. — Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. …

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We Do Not Spank

Most of America’s populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of “those moments.” One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our …

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Welcome to Walmart!

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into WalMart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The WalMart Greeter said pleasantly “Good morning, and welcome to WalMart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?” The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no they ain’t. …

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Daddy’s Gonna Eat Your Fingers

This one is for all of you who: a) have kids b) had kids c) was a kid d) know a kid!’, ‘As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said…. “Daddy look at this,” and she stuck …

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4th Graders

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up — fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. Little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a …

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A Christmas Story

Twas the night before Christmas–Old Santa was pissed.He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.I have a good mind to scrap the whole works! I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year,Instead of “Thanks Santa”–what do I hear?The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.The …

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One Smart Gator

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I cain”t unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger ”n me. We”re the same age, we wuz the same size as kids. I just don”t get it.” “Well,” said the big …

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When I Was a Kid

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year ”round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they …

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Signs You’ve Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can”t smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song …

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Is Reverse Racism Culturally Accepted?

The subject of the “race card” has been way over played time and time again. Its probably because everybody is sick of hearing about how 20 year old punk kids were repressed for so many years simply because they were black. As well all know, that’s bullshit! That is just an angle that people know …

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Video Games Don’t Affect Kids