Humor – Page 79 – The Kumachan

Humor

What in the Fruit?

Dave 2018-07-11

That’s just banana’s. For the love of breakfast fruit. Why? Oh! Why? This is how you get baby bananas.

Breast Height Check

Dave 2018-07-10

Getting older stinks and so do these measurements.

Ever Wonder Where the Dollars Have Been?

Dave 2018-06-27

1 Second Acupuncture Treatment

Dave 2018-06-24

This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff’s deputies there; he asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife. The guy says “sure” and shows him a picture of his wife. The sheriff says, “I’m very sorry sir, but it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.”

The guy says, “I know, but she has a great personality and she’s an excellent cook. “

Sexual Harassment?

Dave 2018-06-18

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine. He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, the woman can’t stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy. The supervisor is puzzled and asks, “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” “It’s Frank,: the midget.”

Hotel Charges

Dave 2018-06-14

An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high.

“I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast.”

The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate’, and breakfast had been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use.”

“But I didn’t use them,” she said ”Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. “We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” the Manager said.

“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several minutes’ discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. “But madam, this check is for $50.00.”

“That’s correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaimed the very surprised Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

South Texas Humor

Dave 2018-05-30

Late Night Thoughts

Dave 2018-05-24

Observations

Dave 2018-05-22

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit’s.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but it’s OK. Everyone knows me there.
I don’t do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
I don’t like political jokes. I’ve seen too many get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary’s……………..
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team’s winning.
Marriage changes passion . . . suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t need the freakin’ class!
Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn’t you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why Some Men have Dogs and Not Wives

Dave 2018-05-17

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog’s parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.