Tag: neighbor

Deer Crossing

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing …

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British Humor is Different

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. COWS, …

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The Amazing WD-40

I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was …

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Idiot Sightings

I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 . I said “May I have large bills, please”? She looked at me and said “I’m sorry sir; all the bills are the same size.” When I got up off the floor I explained it to her. Columbus, OH. When my husband and …

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Sensitive Men’s Stories

1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, “Morning.” He said, “No, just taking a shit”. 2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way, so …

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What is the main ingredient of WD-40?

Before you read to the end, does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40 is? Don’t lie and don’t cheat. WD-40. Who knew; I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this …

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You May Be a Taliban If…

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor. 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes. 3. You have more wives than teeth. 4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.” 5. You think vests …

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Political Science For Dummies

DEMOCRATIC You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you. REPUBLICAN You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage …

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Hey, Mister

A lady was telling her neighbor that she saw a man driving a pick-up truck down the interstate, and a dog was hanging onto the tail gate for dear life! She said if the pick-up truck driver hadn’t been going so fast in the other direction, she would have tried to stop him. A few …

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Mowing & Beer

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, “You should be hung.!” I took a drink from my can of Miller Lite, wiped the cold foam …

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Cats and Dogs

How To Give A Cat A Pill 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill …

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You May Be A Taliban…

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, our troops in Afghanistan prove they’ve trained their sense of humor with the following: “You may be a Taliban if . . . 1) You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. 2) You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but …

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Moved To Alaska

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months …

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Warning: Idiots in the Area

We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”From Kingman, KS. I was at the …

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Few Short Stories of Stupid Events

Recently, when I went to McDonald”s I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets I asked for a half dozen nuggets. “We don”t have half dozen nuggets,” said the teenager at the counter. “You don”t?” I replied. “We only have six, nine, or twelve,” was …

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“Somebody” Knows Jack About Motherhood

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you’ve had a baby…somebody doesn’t know that once you’re a mother,”normal” is history. Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct…somebody never took a three-year-old shopping. Somebody said being a mother is boring…somebody never rode in a car driven …

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Don’t Close the Blinds

The other day, my nine year old son wanted to know why we were at war. My husband looked at our son and then looked at me. My husband and I were in the Army during the Gulf War and we would be honored to serve and defend our Country again today. I knew that …

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