Retirement Info

Here’s a little retirement info for you:

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago you would have $49.00 left. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, you would have had $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It’s called the 401-Keg.

Cold is a Relative Thing in Michigan

a tree covered in snow
60 above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in Michigan plant gardens.

50 above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in Michigan sunbathe.

40 above zero:
Italian & English cars won’t start.
People in Michigan drive with the windows down.

32 above zero:
Distilled water freezes.
The water in Lake Michigan gets thicker.

20 above zero:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in Michigan throw on a flannel shirt.

15 above zero:
New York landlords finally turn up the h eat.
People in Michigan have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero:
People in Miami all die.
Michiganders close the windows.

10 below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico
People in Michigan get out their winter coats.

25 below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in Michigan are selling cookies door to door.

40 below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in Michigan let the dogs sleep indoors.

100 below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Michiganders get upset because they can’t start the Mini-Van.

460 (-459.67 F below zero):
ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero, zero on the Kelvin scale.)
People in Michigan start saying…”Cold enough fer ya?”

500 below zero:
Hell freezes over.
Michigan public schools will open 2 hours late.

Movie Scenes That Are Not Quite Right


Hey, Samari Warrior, what time is it?


Hey, Dude!…Put your finger on the trigger!


Trojan War? Check. Jet in the sky? Check.


Costumes?….Bows?….Arrows?….Cell phone?…Action!


What? Oh, I remember now….Adidas….Founded in 1635

Hillary’s Dreams

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Funny Signs

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Things You Don’t See Everyday

Puppies For Sale


I will soon have bird dog pups for sale. Anyone who is interested please contact me as soon as possible. The litter will probably be between 7 to 10 pups , which I will sell at a very reasonable price. Here is a photo of the parents of the litter, to give you an idea of what the pups should look like. Please contact me soon, as they will go fast.

Bubba and the Psychiatrist

Bubba went to a psychiatrist. ‘I’ve got problems Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’

‘How much do you charge?

‘Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.’

‘I’ll sleep on it,’ said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. ‘Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?’ asked the psychiatrist.

‘Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’

‘Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’

‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! – Ain’t nobody under there now!’

Sex is Missing Again


Folks generally aren’t very creative in choosing names for their dogs. That’s why there are so many named Rover and Spot. But have you heard the plight of the fellow who thought he’d be cute and name his dog Sex? It goes like this:

“One day Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight. I told him I was looking for Sex. My case comes up next Tuesday.” “But that ain’t the worst part. One day I went to the town hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like to have one, too.” Then I said, “You don’t understand. She’s a dog.” He said he didn’t care how she looked. When I told him I’d had Sex since I was 5, he said, “You must have been an early bloomer.” “When I decided to get married, I told the minister I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I’d have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life.” “After my wife and I were married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She said, “Every room in the hotel was for sex.” I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me, too.” “When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “Me. too.” “Now that I’ve been thrown in jail, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined, I’m in counseling. My psychiatrist asked me what my problem was. I said, “Sex has died and left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and I’m so lonely,” I told him. He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Get yourself a dog.”

It’s time to play “Find the Canadian!”


This week’s challenge is especially difficult. View the attached candid photograph and use logic to locate the clues that will let you “Find the Canadian!” Do you have the skill? Do you have the ability? Do you know enough about your northern cousins? Can you find the Canadian?

Is America at War?

As I came out of the supermarket that sunny day, pushing my cart of groceries towards my car, I saw an old man with the hood of his car up and a lady sitting inside the car, with the door open. The old man was looking at the engine. I put my groceries away in my car and continued to watch the old gentleman from about twenty-five feet away.

I saw a young man in his early twenties with a grocery bag in his arm, walking towards the old man. The old gentleman saw him coming too and took a few steps towards him. I saw the old gentleman point to his open hood and say something. The young man put his grocery bag into what looked like a brand new Cadillac Escalade and then turned back to the old man, and I heard him yell at the old gentleman saying, “You shouldn’t even be allowed to drive a car at your age.” And then with a wave of his hand, he got in his car and peeled rubber out of the parking lot.

I saw the old gentleman pull out his handkerchief and mop his brow as he went back to his car and again looked at the engine. He then went to his wife and spoke with her and appeared to tell her it would be okay. I had seen enough and I approached the old man. He saw me coming and stood straight and as I got near him I said, “Looks like you’re having a problem.” He smiled sheepishly and quietly nodded his head.

I looked under the hood myself and knew that whatever the problem was, it was beyond me. Looking around I saw a gas station up the road and told the old gentleman that I would be right back. I drove to the station and went inside and saw three attendants working on cars. I approached one of them and related the problem the old man had with his car and offered to pay them if they could follow me back down and help him.

The old man had pushed the heavy car under the shade of a tree and appeared to be comforting his wife. When he saw us he straightened up and thanked me for my help. As the mechanics diagnosed the problem (overheated engine) I spoke with the old gentleman. When I shook hands with him earlier he had noticed my Marine Corps ring and had commented about it, telling me that he had been a Marine too. I nodded and asked the usual question, “What outfit did you serve with?” He had mentioned that he served with the first Marine Division at Tarawa, Saipan, Iwo Jima and Guadalcanal.

He had hit all the big ones and retired from the Corps after the war was over.

As we talked we heard the car engine come on and saw the mechanics lower the hood. They came over to us as the old man reached for his wallet, but was stopped by me and I told him I would just put the bill on my AAA card. He still reached for the wallet and handed me a card that I assumed had his name and address on it and I stuck it in my pocket. We all shook hands all around again and I said my goodbye’s to his wife.

I then told the two mechanics that I would follow them back up to the station. Once at the station I told them that they had interrupted their own jobs to come along with me and help the old man. I said I wanted to pay for the help, but they refused to charge me. One of them pulled out a card from his pocket looking exactly like the card the old man had given to me.

Both of the men told me then, that they were Marine Corps Reserves. Once again we shook hands all around and as I was leaving, one of them told me I should look at the card the old man had given to me and I said I would and drove off.

For some reason I had gone about two blocks when I pulled over and took the card out of my pocket and looked at it for a long, long, time. The name of the old gentleman was on the card in golden leaf and under his name………”Congressional Medal of Honor Society.”

I sat there motionless looking at the card and reading it over and over.

I looked up from the card and smiled to no one but myself and marveled that on this day, four Marines had all come together, because one of us needed help. He was an old man all right, but it felt good to have stood next to greatness and courage and an honor to have been in his presence.

America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall.

The Wrong Bitch

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged French woman’s poodle.

The war weary Marine asked, ‘Ma’am, may I have that seat?’The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular ‘Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.’

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. ‘Please, ma’am. May I sit down? I’m very tired’ She snorted, ‘Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!’

This time the Marine didn’t say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, ‘Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!’

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, ‘Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!

Differences Between Women And Men

1. NAMES
If Rebecca, Linda, Anna and Jeanne go out for lunch, they will call each other Rebecca, Linda, Anna and Jeanne.
If Mark, Harold, Dave and Rob go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Harold, Dave and Rob will each throw in a $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need, but it’s on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that… is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren’t looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
Ah,children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
All married men should forget their mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Cat Baths

A few thoughts on cat baths…by The Cat
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“But You Said You Loved Me!”

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“You will pay, as God is my witness, you will pay.”

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“Jeepers, you call this water warm???”

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“I don’t think I like you anymore.”

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“You SUCK!!!!!!”

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“E.T. phone home……quick!”

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“No, I’m not your Good Little Kitty anymore.”

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“Traction….I’m losing Traction!”

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“I want my Mommmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”

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“No, no, no, no…..NOOOO!!!!”

Upper Peninsula Moose

Not one, but two! Truly amazing! These animals were photographed just north of the Wisconsin border on a highway near Marenisco, Michigan. Once in awhile there is an opportunity to take in a piece of nature that you may never see. In these days of unrest and turmoil it is great to see that Mother Nature can still produce some wondrous beauty.

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The odds of seeing an albino moose are astronomical and to see this in the upper peninsula of Michigan, is even greater than astronomical. To see two of them together is nearly impossible. We wanted to share these photos with as many people as possible because you will probably never have a chance to see this rare sight again. This is a really special treat, so enjoy the shot of a life time.

Never Piss Off your Plastic Surgeon!

Hot date in Alabama

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist: “I got a hot date ! tonight , an’ I need me some pertection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?” The pharmacist responds: “A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax.” “TACKS!” the shocked redneck says. “Gawd a’mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves?

Groaner

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!”

And the husband replied “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”

“Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, ” but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

And the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued – “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please … do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

Those Crazy Bikers

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life.”

“Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

“Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?”

“A Harley Davidson.”

The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:
Biker Gang Member Assaults African Immigrant and Steals His Lunch

Happy Valentine’s Day

A puppy has been born in Japan with a large, clear, love-heart-shaped pattern in his coat. The Chihuahua was born in May as one of a litter to a breeder. Shop owner Emiko Sakurada said it was the first time a puppy with the marks had been born out of a thousand she had bred. She had no plans to sell the puppy, which has been named ‘Heart-kun’. The long-coated male Chihuahua puppy was born in Odate, northern Japan.
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Grouchy

A 5th grader asked her mother the age-old question, ‘How did I get here?’
Her mother told her, ‘God sent you.’
‘Did God send you,too?’ asked the child.
‘Yes,Dear,’ the mother replied.
‘What about Grandma and Grandpa?’ the child persisted.
‘He sent them also,’ the mother said.
‘Did he send their parents,too?’ asked the child.
‘Yes,Dear, He did,’ said the mother patiently.
‘So you’re telling me that there has been NO sex in this family for 200 years? No wonder everyone’s so damn grouchy around here!’

Just Like In The Movies?

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

‘What are you so happy about?’ asks the barman.

‘Well, I’ll tell you,’ replies the ugly man. ‘You know I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position I could get her into!’

‘Fantastic!’ exclaimed the barman. ‘You lucky bastard, was she pretty?’

‘Dunno. Never found her head.’

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly….. He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied . “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

The “Middle Wife” by an Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant. “This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.” “First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.” She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement. “Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. “She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) “My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.” (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.) “And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!” (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!) “Then the middle wife starts saying ‚Äö√Ñ√∫push, push,‚Äö√Ñ√π and ‚Äö√Ñ√∫breathe, breathe‚Äö√Ñ√π. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there.” Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another “Middle Wife” comes along.

Movie Poster – Broke Back Mountain 2

Orthopedic Bed Just for Men


Someone has finally made an orthopedic bed just for men. Available only at “Butts, Boobs and Beyond”

Old Age

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today..”

The bartender says, “Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me”

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I would like to buy you a drink, too.”

The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Coming up,! ” says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, “I would like to buy you one, too.”

The old woman says, “Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.”

“Coming right up,” the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”

The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.”

New Sex Study

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position. The husband sits up and begs. The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Redneck Birth Control

Signs That You May be Having a Bad Day

1.) You woke up in a strange place
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2.) Your new diet doesn’t seem to be working
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3.) You pulled a muscle while trying to exercise
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4.) Your new hat looked better on you at the store
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5.) You keep losing things
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6.) You feel like you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time
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7.) The boss chewed you out at work
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8.) You got caught in the rain at lunchtime
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9.) You get no respect
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10.) You feel trapped somehow…
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11.) Traffic on the way home was brutal
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12.) You think you might be coming down with the flu
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13.) You’re home alone and you hear a noise in the basement
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Great Ads

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