Tag: drinking

Getting into Heaven

An Angel visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and unmarried sex if she wants to get into Heaven. The woman said she would try her best. The Angel visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. “Not bad” said the woman, “I’ve given up …

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Famous Beer Quotes

“Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.” -Will Rogers Sometimes, after playing golf, I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes …

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2014 College Football Humor

Urban Meyer on one of his players: “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.” ______________________________________ Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday go hunting on …

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Vive la France

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk. The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank …

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Male Logic: Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman: Do you drink beer? Man: Yes. Woman: How many beers a day? Man: Usually about 3 Woman: How much do you pay per beer? Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary !) Woman: And how long have you been drinking? Man: About 20 years, I suppose. Woman: So a …

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Eight Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female…… Any part under a car’s hood. Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another. Male….. Playing football without a cup. 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. Male… Leaving …

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Budweiser Wisdom

Romantic Story

My wife, being the romantic sort, just sent me a text… If you are sleeping, send me your dreams If you are laughing, send me your smile If you are eating, send me a bite If you are drinking, send me a sip If you are crying, send me your tears I love you I …

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Drink Responsibly

I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for an …

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Colin the Brave

A rich man living in Balwyn decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, …

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Hell of a Day

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. “Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. “Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d …

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Irish Pastor

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn’t happy about that! He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down …

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2011 Darwin Awards

You’ve been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2011 Darwin Awards: Eighth Place In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. Seventh Place A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, …

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Bar Scene

I was standing at the bar and this Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me….I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?” He says “No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee”? “No”, I said…. “It’s because you’re …

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High School Reunion

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, “Do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after …

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Coffee and Testicles

A guy goes to the Nv. State High way Dept. to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.” “Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?” “Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for one tour.” The interviewer says, “That …

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The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But …

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The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But …

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Ads That Just Don’t Work Anymore

              Brace yourself — the copy reads: Though she was a tiger lady, our hero didn’t have to fire a shot to floor her. After one look at his Mr. Leggs slacks, she was ready to have him walk all over her. That noble styling sure soothes the savage …

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Jimmy Buffett’s at the Beachcomber

Today I went to Jimmy Buffett’s at the Beachcomber restaurant in Waikiki, Hawaii. I went there for lunch so there wasn’t a band playing or any drinking going on or anything, but it was a nice atmosphere and it had pretty good food. Here are a few of the photos I took.

Snoring

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can’t sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles, and he will stop snoring. ‚ÄúYeah right!‚Äù she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog …

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Wine vs. Water

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine… and those who don’t: As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end …

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Mowing & Beer

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, “You should be hung.!” I took a drink from my can of Miller Lite, wiped the cold foam …

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Pastor Fluff

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn’t happy! He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to …

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Cats and Dogs

How To Give A Cat A Pill 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill …

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Hiking Experience in Kailua

Do you remember the stories that your grandfather probably told you about walking to school everyday, through the snow barefoot, uphill both ways? Well, today I have one of those stories, but it‚Äö√Ñ√¥s 100% true and it just happened to me, today. I thought it would be fun to go hiking with my son today …

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Jeff Foxworthy Picking on Michigan

1. If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Michigan. 2. If you’re proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest …

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Marriage Counseling, Southern Style

Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife – she hasn’t spoke to me in over 2 months.” Earl spits, sips his beer and says, “You better think it over – …

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Sumbitch

A filthy rich Floridian man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters …

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Kids Say the Darndest Things

Jack (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: “Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?” Melanie (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, …

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Wrong Approach

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other, “you know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get into the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my …

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Bad habits

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking. Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat.. 8 days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking. Yesterday, I …

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Bear guzzles Rainier Beer and Passes Out

This is some real news here. I found this article on CNN today. They hold all rights and copyrights to the material they have written, but this story is one that you have to read. It is exactly quoted off CNN as follows: Wednesday, August 18, 2004 Posted: 9:12 PM EDT (0112 GMT) SEATTLE, Washington …

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Drinking Etiquette

Occasionally when I’m out drinking with friends there is a stranger who will walk up and want to tell you his life story. I’m always more than 100% willing to listen to what they have to say, but it always comes at a cost. I consider it good etiquette that if you are going to …

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Company Functions Are Not Too Exciting

Last Thursday April 29th, 2004 our office had an outing because different people from the company came to Hawaii for business. Although this was not mandatory it was highly encouraged to attend. I figured that meant you don’t have to go, but we”ll all be pissed off at you later. Since I don’t have a …

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Which is Worse, Sitting at Home Alone or Hanging Out With Lamers?

Last night I was bored so I decided to walk over to a friend’s house nearby. While there some other people showed up. Then they start prank calling people who they had in their cell phone address book. I felt like I was back in middle school again so I decided to go back home …

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Put Your Foot in Your Mouth

On Friday I went out with some coworkers at first we talked some work and then later after we had been drinking for a while we started shooting the shit for a while. Everything was great except for the stupid things that kept coming out of my mouth. It seemed that every point I was …

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