Tag: morning

What Part of Your Body Goes to Heaven First?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, ‘When you die and go to Heaven which part of your body goes first?’ Suzy raised her hand and said, ‘I think it’s your hands.’ ‘Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?’ Suzy replied: ‘Because when you …

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Famous Beer Quotes

“Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.” -Will Rogers Sometimes, after playing golf, I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes …

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Poker

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Les’ wife, Sue wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table …

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How To Catch A Bear

A man in Michigan ‘s Upper Peninsula wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there’s an ad for “Up North Bear Removers.” He calls the number and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and …

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The Cab Ride

I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes, I walked to the  door and knocked. ‘Just a minute’, answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90’s stood before me. She was wearing …

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Church Bells

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother …

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Step 7. Rock 105.3 FM Experience Step-by-step – Commercial Break and Donuts

Welcome to the 1st commercial break. Since I was invited to the studio this morning I thought it would be nice to bring donuts in for everybody. What a nice gesture for them being nice enough to let me come visit.

My Rock 105.3 FM San Diego Experience

Today I was invited down to Rock 105.3 FM radio station to hang out with the cast of the talk morning show called, “The Show” I will do my very best to share my entire experience with you. I must say that this was an awesome experience to be a “P1,” which I found out …

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Best Wednesday Ever!

This morning I was driving to work and listening to The Show on Rock 105.3 FM. One of the topics that was being talked about was the California sever drought going on right now. I attempted to call into the Show and all I kept getting was a busy signal. So I decided to write …

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Lone Ranger & Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemo Sabe, look Towards sky, what you see?” “The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.” “What that tell you?” asked …

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Did You Know?

1. Your shoes are the first thing people subconsciously notice about you. Wear nice shoes. 2. If you sit for more than 11 hours a day, there’s a 50% chance you’ll die within the next 3 years. 3. There are at least 6 people in the world who look exactly like you. There’s a 9% …

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They walk among us!

1.They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became …

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Just a Wee Bit….

“An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman. Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So …

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Vive la France

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk. The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank …

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Married Life

– The wife’s back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. – My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. – I …

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Difficult Things to Say

Words that are difficult to say when DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I’m married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! …

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Last Thing on My Mind

A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks ‘What’s wrong, lad?’ The boy says ‘Me ma died this morning.’ ‘Oh bejaysus,’ The man says. ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you?’ The boy replies, ‘No tanks mister, sex is the last thing …

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Sleeping With Mick

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decid ed it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning …

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Blow Dryer Mishap

A good lesson for all… Bob’s wife caught him blow-drying his pecker this morning and asked him what the hell he was doing? Apparently, “heating up your breakfast” was not the right answer.

Husband Makes The Lunches

For the 1st time in their 3 year marriage, a wife asked if her husband would mind making the next day’s lunches for them both. Obligingly he agrees. The next morning, the young wife asks her loving husband, ‘Where are our lunches honey?’ He replied, ‘I put them on the second shelf of the fridge. …

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Irish Catholic Confession

‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.’ The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’ Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve …

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The Penis Poem by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over, My pilot light is out. What used to be my sex appeal, Is now my water spout. Time was when, on its own accord, From my trousers it would spring. But now I’ve got a full time job, To find the f***in’ thing. It used to be embarrassing, The way …

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Italian Solution

A Catholic priest, a doctor, a rich businessman , and an Italian Guy from New York were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Italian Guy from New York fumed, ‘What’s with those frickin’ jerks? We’re waiting fifteen minutes between shots!’ The doctor chimed in, ‘I don’t …

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Homeland Security: Grocery Store

There was a bit of confusion at the Local Jay C grocery store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.” Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical …

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Sydney Radio Competition

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you’ll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney . The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.. The game is …

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Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What w as the first thing your husband said to …

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Bus Seat

Son: ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’ Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’ Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’

Sensitive Men’s Stories

1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, “Morning.” He said, “No, just taking a shit”. 2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way, so …

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The Snow Storm

I just got off the phone with a girlfriend, living in northern North Dakota near the Canadian border. She said that since early this morning the snow has nearly reached waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Her husband …

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Who Does What

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, ‘You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, ‘You are in charge of cooking around here and you …

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Child’s Viewpoint is Best

NUDITY I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt! OPINIONS …

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Dwarf

I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’ So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’ That’s how the fight started.

The Silver Screw

Once upon a time, there was a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a silver screw.¬† All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it . . . He was screwed.. All the years of growing …

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Square Testicles

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an …

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Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, ‘This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?’ The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into …

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A Jack Daniels Fishing Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put …

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Top Four Adult Jokes of 2009

Fourth Place: A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, ‘Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.’ She replies, ‘If your penis is …

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Ole’s Logic

Government surveyors came to Ole’s farm in the fall and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed and Lena even served them a nice meal at noon time. The next spring, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, “Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad …

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Passports

Dear Sirs, I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a cable t.v. from them back in 1987, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on …

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Media at its Best

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his …

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Married Woman

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, …

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Hot Chili

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘you’re definitely going to s**t yourself’ road-kill chilli. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes …

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The College Graduation

Three women go down to Mexico to celebrate college graduation. Apparently someone slipped something into their drinks, and they woke up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one, a redhead, is strapped in …

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To Be Six Again

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday. ‘I’d like to be six again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror. On the morning of her Birthday, …

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Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, “I don’t think you should take one Dad; they’re very strong and very expensive.” “How much?” asked Grandpa. “$10.00 a pill,” Answered the son. …

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Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 70 and one 77, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 77 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The 70 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The …

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Dusty Underwear

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!” His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the …

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Bear Removal

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for ‘Bear Removers.’He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a …

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Women vs Men

Woman’s Perfect Breakfast She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. Woman’s Revenge “Cash, check or …

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Those Crazy Bikers

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage …

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