Walking Eagle

President Barack Obama was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American’s present standard of living. He referred to his time as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue that came to the floor of the Senate. Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his‚”red sisters and brothers.” At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, “Walking Eagle.” The proud President then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the President. They explained that‚”Walking Eagle” is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

How to Fail a Test With Dignity

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Why Teacher’s Drink

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Gary Coleman’s Casket

It even has his name on it!

Girls With a Sexy Sense of Humor

Ads That Just Don’t Work Anymore

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brace yourself — the copy reads: Though she was a tiger lady, our hero didn’t have to fire a shot to floor her. After one look at his Mr. Leggs slacks, she was ready to have him walk all over her. That noble styling sure soothes the savage heart! If you’d like your own doll-to-doll carpeting, hunt up a pair of these he-man Mr. Leggs slacks. Such as our new automatic wash wear blend of 65% “Dacron” and 35% rayon-incomparably wrinkle-resistant. About $12.95 at plush-carpeted stores.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part of it reads, “A GIFT OF PLEASURE My ____est — the spirit of Christmas-giving”  is ______ in the land. A gift that represents that spirit, and brings pleasure to everyone, both great and small, is more ___________. Such a gift, my friends, is LUCKY STRIKE. “Santa Claus.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Reads, “How soon is too soon? Not soon enough. Laboratory tests over the last few years have proven that babies who start drinking soda during the early formative period have a much higher chance of gaining acceptance and “fitting in” during those awkward pre-teen and teen years. So, do yourself a favor. Do your child a favor. Start them on a strict regimen of sodas and sugary carbonated beverages right now, for a lifetime of guaranteed happiness.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Read the bottom line above….apparently we have a “T” zone. Why wasn’t this taught in health class?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some excerpts from the ad above: It says- “this young man is 11 months old- and he isn’t our youngest customer by any means. For 7-Up is so pure, so wholesome, you can even give it to babies and feel good about it.
-By the way, Mom, when it comes to toddlers- if they like to be coaxed to drink their milk, try this: Add 7-Up to the milk in equal parts, pouring the 7-Up gently into the milk. It’s a wholesome combination- and it works!

Media at its Best

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’

The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’

The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page…So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’

The biker replies, ‘I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican .’

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

——————————————————————–

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

——————————————————————–

That pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days.

New Army “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Uniform

Designed by Hans Wilkie…

Where Whitey Went Wrong

Company Names

All of these are legitimate companies, who apparently didn’t spend quite enough time considering how their online name might appear.

These are not made up. While several have since been changed, incredibly some of the sites are still up and running under these URL’s. Check them out yourself!

1. ‘Who Represents’ is where you can find the name of the agent that represents any celebrity. Their Web site is:
www.whorepresents.com

2. ‘Experts Exchange’ is a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at:
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a great pen? Look no further than ‘Pen Island.’ It can be found at:
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try ‘Therapist Finder’ at:
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then there’s the ‘Italian Power Generator’ company. Check it out at:
www.powergenitalia.com

6.’IP computer’ software, there’s always:
www.ipanywhere.com

7. And the designers at ‘Speed of Art’ await you at their wacky Web site:
www.speedofart.com

Teachers & Cops:

These are actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming..
10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” (National Crime Information Center)
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”

AND THE WINNER IS….
16. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.. Sign here.”

Womanese

Things We Should Probably Know, But Don’t

1. Money isn’t made out of paper, it’s made out of cotton.

2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (marijuana) paper.

3. The dot over the letter i is called a ‘tittle’.

4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

6. 40% of McDonald’s profit come from the sales of Happy Meals.

7. 315 entries in Webster’s 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

8. The ‘spot’ on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

11. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing the shark’s stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

12. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

13. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.

14. Ketchup was sold in the 1830’s as a medicine.

15. Upper and lower-case letters are named ‘upper’ because in the time when all original print had to be set in letters, the ‘upper case’ letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, ‘lower case’ letters.

16. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.

17. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

18. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos..

19. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

20. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, or silver.

21. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa’s lips.

22. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

23. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original ‘Halloween’ was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.

24. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

25. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can’t sink in quicksand.

26. The phrase ‘rule of thumb’ is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

27. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

28. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to digest a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It’s the same with apples.

29. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

30. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.

31. The “Guinness Book of Records” holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.

32. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit is dangerous.

33. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart: “Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she’s behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her off to jail.”

Motivational Posters #6

The Are Finally Together

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later. Judy again, remarried … and this time, she & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together.” Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:

“Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?”

Margaret replied:….”I think he means her legs, Ethel..”

Perspective

Two women are chatting in office

Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?

Woman 2: Yes.

Woman 1: Was it good?

Woman 2: No, it was a disaster… my husband came home, ate his dinner in
three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes,
rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?

Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a
romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came
home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We
then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?

Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate,
screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?

Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there’s no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn’t paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn’t have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour – and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light f@8%king candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn’t get it up for an hour and then I couldn’t come for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn’t fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A professor at the Mississippi State Univ. was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions’ to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, ‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’

She replied, ‘Probably turkey hunting with his buddies.’

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom…

Why I Love New Yorkers….

Tarzan Sex

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.”Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, “Oh,…Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”

Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong,…but I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. “Here” she said, “you must put it in here.” Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: “What in the hell did you do that for?”

Tarzan replied, “check for squirrel.”

In Memory of Paul Maidman

RIP Paul
Paul in Space

New Truck

I bought a new Chevy Avalanche
And returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn’t get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

‘Nelson,’ the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, ‘Ricky or Willie?’

‘Willie!’ he continued and ‘On The Road Again’
Came from the speakers.

Then he said, ‘Ray Charles!’, and in an instant
‘ Georgia On My Mind’ replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I’d say, ‘Beethoven,’
I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
‘Beatles,’ I’d get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, ‘Ass Hole!’
Immediately the radio responded with,
“Ladies and gentlemen,
The President of The
United States

Damn I love this truck…

The Husband’s T-shirt

My wife was always after me to go shopping with her. Then I began wearing my favorite t-shirt. Now she doesn’t want me to go shopping with her anymore.

Camping Tools

Just when you think that you have everything for camping out and sitting around the fire at the lake someone comes up with something new.

A Cardiologist’s Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life…. A huge heart… covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside.The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, ‘I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral….. I’m a gynecologist.’

The proctologist fainted.

Lesbonics

1 . What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A. licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A. Klondike .

3.. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
A. Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can’t lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
A. Because they can’t eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A. Fur Traders…

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A. Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
A. Well Hung.

8.. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
A. She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
A. Even the pool table doesn’t have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins?
A. Lick-a-likes..

11.. What’s the definition of confusion?
A. Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market..

12. What’s the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
A. One’s a snack cracker, the other’s a crack snacker.

13. What do you have when you’ve got 50 lesbians and 50 Government workers?
A. 100 people that don’t do dick.

Enoshima Aquarium


Even though it is March and the weather is still cold I got tired of being stuck in doors from the winter and decided to take the train to the east coast of Japan to visit Enoshima and check out their aquarium.


While there I watched the dolphin and sea lion show. The show really reminded me that this is Japan’s version of Sea World. It was an entertaining show and I had a lot of fun watching it. You can also see there were wind surfers out playing in the waves.


While walking through the aquarium I got to see some crabs, jellyfish, stingrays and other assortments of fish.

Married Woman

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up
and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another
9 times..

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when
totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos
MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him
‘MIDNIGHT’… He didn’t seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo
clock.’

When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its,
throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

2nd Opinion

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decided to go and see a doctor.

The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit.’

He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 long.’

Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’

Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’

The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’

Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’

‘Been in the business 60 years.’

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’

Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure..’

The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… size 36.

Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..’

The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.’

Speeding


I got stopped for speeding yesterday. I thought I could talk my way out of it until the officer looked at my dog in the back seat.

Looking for a Good Book

Confucius say, “If you are in a book store and cannot find the book for which you search, you are obviously in the…..

House For Sale