One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up — fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. Little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a …
Category: Humor
Dead Mule in the Churchyard….
A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department. They explained, “Since there was no health threat, you”ll need to call the …
Never Lie to Momma
Mrs. Gonzalez comes to visit her son Jose for dinner. Jose lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, Mama can’t help but notice how pretty Jose’s roommate is. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious. Over the course of the …
Admiral Introductions
Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they’re airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, “Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons.” After a few minutes the man in the …
Crusty Old Naval Chief
“Well,” snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, “I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and “P” on my grave.” “Not me, Chief!” the seaman replied. “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand …
Air Force Members Getting Shaved
An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The general shouted, “Hey, don’t put that stuff on me! My wife will think I’ve been in a whorehouse!” …
Filing Taxes
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, “What is your occupation?” “I’m a whore,” she says. The accountant balks …
New prescription?
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila. Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help …
Holy Bathroom Light
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, “George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?” George replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he”s fixed it so when …
Two Fleas
Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he”s shivering and shaking. The other flea asks him, “Why are you shaking so badly?” The first flea says, “I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on …
500 dollars
A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, “I want to have sex with you right now! I’ll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and …
Plastic Garbage Bags
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her….”Ma’am, there are $20 bills …
Rectum Stretcher
While she was “flying” down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”To which …
8 Ways to Determine A Gay Guy
1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet. 2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A …
Kids Say the Darndest Things
Jack (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: “Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?” Melanie (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, …
Yearly visit to the Doctor
I went into my proctologist’s office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave …
The Marine
A Marine was attending a college course between missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. The professor, an avowed atheist, shocked the class one day when he walked in, looked toward the ceiling, and said loudly, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you exactly 15 minutes.” …
Christmas Stamps
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. Â She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps? ” The clerk says, “What denomination? ” The blonde says, “Heaven help us. Has it come to this? Â Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”
Birth Control Pills for Grandma
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she …
If You’re Going to Live in the South, Know These Rules
1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym. 2. It”s called a “gravel road. ” No matter how slow you drive, you”re going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way. 3. The red …
A Christmas Story
Twas the night before Christmas–Old Santa was pissed.He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.I have a good mind to scrap the whole works! I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year,Instead of “Thanks Santa”–what do I hear?The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.The …
Too Little Info – Too Late
They enjoyed each other’s company very much and at the end of the evening. Sharon invited Jim to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together. Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a …
Cowboys Don’t Like to be Bested
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales began. The first said, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men …
Translator
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training. One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: “What are …
Wrong Approach
Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other, “you know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get into the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my …
Government Matchmaker
A young lady visited the government matchmaker for marriage & said, “I am looking for a spouse. Can you please help me find a suitable one?” The marriage officer said, “Your requirements, please.” ” Well, let me see…needs to be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good singing and dancing….willing to accompany me the whole day …
Your Age by Chocolate Math
Your age by chocolate math’, ‘Work this out as you read …Be sure you don”t read the bottom until you”ve worked it out!This is not one of those waste of time things, it”s fun. 1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate(more than once but …
The Truth about Barbecuing
From the wonderful world of Toronto Canada comes this lovely joke called, “The TRUTH about Barbecuing”‘, ‘Barbecuing is the only type of cooking a real man will do. When a man declares he will BBQ the following chain of events is put into motion:1.) The woman goes to the store and buys everything. 2.) The …