Tag: love

Groaner

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset. “You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce straight …

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Just Like In The Movies?

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face. ‘What are you so happy about?’ asks the barman. ‘Well, I’ll tell you,’ replies the ugly man. ‘You know I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the …

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The “Middle Wife” by an Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps …

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Fireman Sex

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, ‘You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we’re on the fire truck ready to go.’From …

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Money

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door. SON : “Daddy, may I ask you a question?” DAD: “Yeah sure, what is it?” SON : “Daddy, how much do you make an hour?” DAD: “That’s none of your business. Why do …

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The Last Word

One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight starving, dirty, smelled terrible, hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her so we put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn’t know what to call her so we named her “Pussycat.” …

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Twenty Dollars

On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter. In His highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made Love, for more Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a Cute way for her to …

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Irresistible to Women

A Can of Worms

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The …

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$20.00

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to …

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Great One-Liners

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he wasGod and I didn’t! 2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!4. Some people are alive only because it”s illegal to kill them.5. I used to have a handle …

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Strange Buzzing Noise

As a woman passes her daughter”s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with vibrator. Shocked, she asked, “What in the world are you doing?” The daughter replied, “Mom, I”m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is …

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An Indian With One Testicle

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was “Onestone”. So named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!” The word got …

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Old Cow

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road in New York State one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t – the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain …

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4th Graders

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up — fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. Little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a …

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Rectum Stretcher

While she was “flying” down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”To which …

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10 Things a Man Would Never Say

10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother.9. While I’m up, can I get you a beer?8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.7. Her tits are just too big.6. Sometimes I just want to be held.5. That chick on ”Murder, She Wrote” gives me a woody.4. Sure: I’d love to wear a condom.3. …

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Where is your Underwear

The Englishman”s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren”t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded. “Well, you don”t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.” The …

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“Somebody” Knows Jack About Motherhood

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you’ve had a baby…somebody doesn’t know that once you’re a mother,”normal” is history. Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct…somebody never took a three-year-old shopping. Somebody said being a mother is boring…somebody never rode in a car driven …

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Confession

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand in the weak light, tears running down her face. Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, pale lips moving slightly. “Becky my darling,” he whispered. “Hush my love,” she said. “Rest, don”t talk.” He …

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Roping

A young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon and while driving down the road, the new bride saw a bull and a cow having sex. She asks, “What are they doing honey?” He answers, “They are roping!” She replies, “Oh, I see.” They drive a few …

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Monica Lewinsky

Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself in a mirror. Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her. In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. “God…if you take away my love handles, I’ll devote my life to you,” she prayed. And just like that, her …

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Questions & Answers

Q: What’s a mixed feeling?A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q: What’s the height of conceit?A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q: What’s the definition of macho?A: Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?A: …

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Do You Ever Get the Idea People Just Like to Screw With You?

Today I had to complete my vehicle registration because I received notice of it in the mail. I could have mailed it in, however I had to update some information so submitting it by mail would not have been suffient. Upon arriving at the city hall there was a line like 3 miles long. I …

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