Rejected Titles for Brokeback Mountain


10. Bone-anza
9. Way Out West Hollywood
8. Young Buns II: Blaze of Glory Holes
7. Prances With Wolves
6. Westward Homo
5. Bi Noon
4. Male Rider / Tail Rider / Pole Rider (tie)
3. McCabe & Mr. Miller
2. Rawhides
1. Blazing Saddles

‘, ‘Next ten:

10. “Not-That-There”s-Anything-Wrong-With-That Mountain”
9. “How The West Was Hung”
8. “Little Bathhouse on the Prairie”
7. “For a Few Dollars More We Can Make It a Threesome”
6. “Go West, Young Man…Now South..A Little More To The South… Oh God, Yes! Right There!”
5. “Clint Eastwood”s Nightmare”
4. “The Good, The Bad and The Fabulous!”
3. “Broke My Back Mounting Him”
2. “Oklahomo”
1. “Fun With Dick In James”

Last ten:

10. “The Good, The Bad And The Hunky”
9. “How The West Was Redecorated”
8. “The Adventures Of Frank And Jesse And James”
7. “Seven Brothers For Seven Brothers”
6. “Butch Cassidy And The Even Butcher Sundance Kid”
5. “Rio Lesbo”
4. “Dances with Men”
3. “The Magnificent Seven Inches”
2. “Go West, Young Man…Now South… A Little More To The South… Oh, Yes! Right There!”
1. “A Fistful Of Wild Bill”

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What begins with “F” and ends with “K”

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what”s your problem?”

Harry answered, “I”m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I”m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal”s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.’, ‘Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Harry: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Harry: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”

Ms Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets.”

Ms Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry: “Pants.”

Ms Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”

Harry: “Coconut.”

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

The principal”s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?”

Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal was trembling.

Ms Brooks: “What word starts with an ”F” and ends in ”K” that means a lot of heat and excitement?”

Harry: “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.

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G.W. Bush Intelligence

After numerous rounds of “We don”t know if Osama is still alive,” Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he E-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain”s MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply:

“Tell the President he”s holding the message upside down.”

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Good Enough?

At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was frigging herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help. She agreed, and the man started fingering her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands. Wasn’t I good enough?” he asked sheepishly.

You were great,” she said, but these crabs are still itching!”

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New Postage Stamp

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as the First Lady of our nation. In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation. After a month of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

* The stamp was in perfect order.
* There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
* People were spitting on the wrong side.

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Old Cow

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road in New York State one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn’t – the aged bovine was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

“What happened to you?”, asked Hillary?

“Well,” the driver replied, “The farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made made passionate love to me.”

“My God, what did you tell them?” asked Hillary.

The driver replied : “I just stepped inside the door and said, I’m Hillary Clinton’s driver and I’ve just killed the old cow. The rest happened like lightning!”

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Brokeback Mountain?

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor’s office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, “I am not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.” The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and asks, “Doc, what can I do?” The doctor replies, “I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, half a box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it all off with a gallon of prune juice.” The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, “Will that cure me, Doc?” The doctor says, “No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.

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4th Graders

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up — fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. Little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and make love with him for money.”‘, ‘The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises, then took little Justin aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”

“No,” the boy said, “He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to secure the Nomination of Hillary Clinton in 2008, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

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Dead Mule in the Churchyard….

A Pastor went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard He telephoned the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the Pastor to the Health Department.

They explained, “Since there was no health threat, you”ll need to call the Sanitation Department.”

When the pastor called the Sanitation Department, the Manager of the Sanitation Department said, “I can”t pick up that dead mule without authorization from the mayor.” The Pastor was not at all too eager to call the mayor, who possessed a very bad temper and was always extremely unpleasant and hard to deal with, but, eventually, the Pastor called the mayor anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint the Pastor. The mayor immediately began to rant and rave. After his continued rant at the pastor, the mayor finally said, “Why did you call me any way? Isn”t it your job to bury the dead?”

The pastor paused for a brief prayer, and asked the Lord to direct his response.

The lord led the pastor to the words he was seeking, “Well Yes, Mayor, it IS my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!

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Never Lie to Momma

Mrs. Gonzalez comes to visit her son Jose for dinner. Jose lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, Mama can’t help but notice how pretty Jose’s roommate is. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between her son, Jose and his roommate than meets the eye. Reading his Mom’s thoughts, Jose volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Maria comes to Jose saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?” “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll e-mail her, just to be sure.” So he sends his Mom an email:’, ‘Dear Mama,
I’m not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I’m not saying that you didn’t take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Jose

Several days later, Jose receives an email response from his Mama:

Mijo,
I’m not saying that you ”do” sleep with Maria, and I’m not saying that you ”do not” sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Mama

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Safari Speedup

Did you know that in OS X if you want Safari to load faster, there are a couple tricks you can do in order for Safari to speed up? The first thing you should do is empty your cache. You can do this by going to your preferences, choose Safari and then click on empty cache. The next thing you should do is clear your history. This can be accomplished by clicking on history in your menu selection and then choose the option at the bottom which is, clear history. One other thing you can do to speed up Safari is by turning off the auto fill option. In order to do this you go to preferences, and then select the auto fill pane. Once you are there you can ensure the user names and passwords or other forms, is unchecked. By doing these little steps you are ensuring Safari isnt storing data that you dont need it to and will speed up the loading process.

Reference: March 2006, Macworld Magazine page 52.

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Admiral Introductions

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial flight. After they’re airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud voice, “Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both surgeons.”

After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight lipped smile, “Admiral, United States Coast Guard, retired. Married, two sons, both Judges.”

After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims, “Master Chief Gunnery Sergeant, United States Marines, retired. Never married, two sons, both Admirals.

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Crusty Old Naval Chief

“Well,” snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, “I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and “P” on my grave.”

“Not me, Chief!” the seaman replied. “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again!”

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Air Force Members Getting Shaved

An Air Force chief master sergeant and a general officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The general shouted, “Hey, don’t put that stuff on me! My wife will think I’ve been in a whorehouse!”

The chief turned to his barber and said, “Go ahead and put it on me. My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

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Filing Taxes

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, “What is your occupation?”

“I’m a whore,” she says.

The accountant balks and says, “No, No, No, that won’t work. That is too gross. Let’s try to rephrase that.”

The woman says, “OK., I’m a high-end call girl.”

“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore & call girl? “Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year.”

He replies: “Good enough.”

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New prescription?

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness? Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila.

Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you”re ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila. ‘, ‘Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn”t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

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Holy Bathroom Light

An 80-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, “George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

George replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he”s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on. When I”m done, poof! the light goes off.”

“Wow, that”s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George”s wife. “Ethel,” he says, “George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I”m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he”s done, poof! the light goes off?”

“Oh my God!” Ethel exclaims. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

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Two Fleas

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation.
Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he”s shivering and shaking.

The other flea asks him, “Why are you shaking so badly?”

The first flea says, “I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.”

The other flea responds saying,” That”s the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it”s warm and cozy. It”s the best way to travel that I can think of.”

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by….. When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.

The second flea says, “Didn”t you try what I told you?”

“Yes,” says the first flea, “I did exactly as you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.

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500 dollars

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.

The man said, “I want to have sex with you right now! I’ll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I will screw you from behind and be on my way!”

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man’s proposition.

Her girlfriend said ” When he drops the $500 on the ground I’m sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened.”

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. “What happened?” the girlfriend asked.

The lady said “That Son-Of-A-bitch had $500 in quarters.”

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Plastic Garbage Bags

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her….”Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag…”
“Damn!” says the little old lady…..”I’d better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!”
“Well, now, not so fast,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money?” ” Did you steal it?”
“Oh, no”, says the little old lady. “You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.
Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!”
“So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!”
“Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “OK, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well”, says the little old lady, “not all of them pay.”

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Rectum Stretcher

While she was “flying” down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”
To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”
“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “what do you do?”
I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.
The cop stammered, “A what ?
A rectum stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” he asked.
“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”‘, ‘Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop’s Face……………PRICELESS

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8 Ways to Determine A Gay Guy

1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay – it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog…. “Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!” Now think about how you call a cat…”Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!” Jeeezus, you’re fit to be framed, you’re so gay.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably gay.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be had strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a “Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim” and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you’ve had NutraSweet in your mouth, you’ve had a man there, too.

6. If you know more than six names of colors, or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NBA, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a “fressier” is you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are most certainly gay.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs
that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his little soldier in the passenger seat.

8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man.

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Kids Say the Darndest Things

Jack (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: “Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?”

Melanie (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don”t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”

Steven (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. “I love you so much, that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”

Brittany (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she”d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it”s me?

Susan (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”

D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I cost?”

Marc (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”

Clinton (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don’t know what”ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?”

James (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” Concerned, James asked: “What happened to the flea?”

Tammy (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget….this particular Sunday sermon…”Dear Lord,” the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. “Without you, we are but dust.” He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”

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Yearly visit to the Doctor

I went into my proctologist’s office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Elaine, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me.

She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.

While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to
the exam table:

1. a Tube of K-Y jelly
2. a rubber glove
3. and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, “Look Doc, I”m a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?”

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse…….

Darn it ELAINE!!!!!!!!!!!

I said a BUTT LIGHT”

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The Marine

A Marine was attending a college course between missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. The professor, an avowed atheist, shocked the class one day when he walked in, looked toward the ceiling, and said loudly, “God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you exactly 15 minutes.” The lecture room fell silent and the professor began his lecture. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, “Here I am God – still waiting.” It got down to the last minute when the Marine stood up, walked toward the professor and threw his best punch knocking him off the platform and out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat down. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, “What is the matter with you? Why did you do that?” The Marine calmly replied, “God is busy today protecting America’s soldiers who are protecting your right to behave like an idiot, so He sent me.

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Happy New Year!

We here at The Kumachan would like to wish each and every one of you a Happy New Year! We hope this upcoming year will bring you many fortunes and new endeavors.

The Kumachan Staff

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Chinaman’s Hat – Oahu, Hawaii


Today I drove by Chinaman’s hat on the island of Oahu, Hawaii. If you ever get a chance to check it out, this place is beautiful.

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Christmas Stamps

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.  She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps? ”

The clerk says, “What denomination? ”

The blonde says, “Heaven help us. Has it come to this?  Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”

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Birth Control Pills for Grandma

A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
‘, “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?” “Yes, they help me sleep at night.” “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!” She reached out and patted the young Doctor’s knee. “Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks……………………………. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.”

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Better Solution to Windows

Even though Bill Gates is wealthy and has had a proven success with Microsoft Windows, Windows is not the best product on the market. Excellent marketing has made Microsoft more successful, more so than being a quality product. Windows users are willing to accept the flaws with Windows due to the ease of use. Many users do not know of alternatives to Microsoft Windows due to a lack of knowledge and by a lack of marketing from the other operating systems. There is one alternative that is easier to use than Windows and they do market their operating system. The users who have migrated over to using Apple’s OS X operating system prove to be loyal to Apple’s solid quality product. It is these loyal users who know that Apple computers are better structured, more stable, and they allow their users to be more productive.

In order to better understand what progression Apple’s different operating systems had to endure to attain its current status, it is best to look at the process of making each new operating system better in descending chronological order. The current version of the Macintosh operating system is OS X (Operating System Roman numeral ten). OS X has the Macintosh graphical user interface built onto the platform of UNIX. This provides an operating system that is stable, secure, multitasking, and compatible with specific hardware, making this version of the Macintosh operating system very reliable. Prior to OS X, OS 9 was release in 1999 in which Apple claimed to be the best internet operating system ever (Reference1). Within this version of Apple’s operating system there were features such as updating the OS over the internet and backwards compatibility for older products and applications. Taking a step back further in time, OS 8 was released in 1998 and some of the main differences from OS 8 and previous version were that OS 8 had better graphics with a completely reconstructed interface. Apple put 3d to use within OS 8 as well as including status bars, scrolling bars, icons, menu bars, and even use of Windows. OS 8 is when the Macintosh became more familiar to the mass majority of users because of the use of all these common features. As you can see, within the last 3 versions of Apple’s operating systems their focus has been stability, ease of use, great graphics, and making the use of the internet to benefit users. (Process)

Many people complain about Microsoft Windows without really supporting their arguments, here are some bad key points to Windows. Within recent releases of Microsoft Windows there has been a Product Activation. This product activation forces users to register that piece of software to a particular machine. Although this causes users to purchase additional software licenses, it effectively makes it considerably challenging for users who may have had to rebuild their computer and reload their operating system. The second bad point to Microsoft Windows is that it is not multi-tasking; it is a time slotted operating system. This means when the computer received multiple processes it handles the processes on a basis of first come first serve as opposed to being able to handle multiple processes at the same time. The next bad key point to Windows is the registry. The registry within Windows is a database that keeps track of all the settings within the operating system. The problem with the registry is that the database can get to big or corrupt, causing the operating system to work slow or crash (Reference2). Another big problem with Windows for both the common user and even for the system administrators is the file permissions. Windows tries to incorporate too many things into Windows permissions. Windows tries to integrate user permissions, file permissions, and group permissions (Reference3). This typically makes troubleshooting problems very troublesome for both beginning users and seasoned administrators. These are just a few key points with problems within the Windows operating system. There are many more you may be concerned with or want to research on your own. (Cause and effect)

Since we know there is an alternative to Microsoft Windows, we should know a little more about the structure of Apple’s OS X operating system and key points about it. Apple’s OS X is basically Apple’s graphical user interface (GUI) built onto a Free Berkeley Software Distribution (BSD) foundation. Free BSD is an operating system that was based developed from the fundamentals of UNIX (Reference4). To the average user this does not mean much because most average users are not concerned with the inter workings of their operating system. The average user just wants it to function when they want it to. The nice thing about OS X being built off Free BSD is that it provides exactly this stability the user is looking for. One major problem with some of the different types of UNIX operating systems is that it can be rather challenging to know when newer versions or updates are available. This is where Apple embodied the remote updates that can be performed across the Internet. Another key feature about OS X is that when Apple developed this they had two major factors in mind: security and simplicity. By default all services are disabled within OS X until the user requests them by turning them on. This ultimately makes the operating system more secure by not running unnecessary services that can render a system vulnerable. The other key factor Apple had in mind was the simplicity. Apple has made it so easy for the user to install and uninstall programs. All the user has to do is simple double click to install a program and drag it to the trash can to uninstall a program. As you can see, Apple had all users in mind by making their operating system simple, secure, and stable.

In order to understand how good an operating system is, it is best to ask other’s opinions. Jupiter Kajiwara was courteous enough to answer some questions about what he thinks of Microsoft Windows operating systems. Jupiter has been using Windows operating systems for 15 years. He says he is pretty reliant on the Windows operating system as he uses if for personal and professional gain. He is a server administrator on over 80 different Windows 2003 advance servers and he does have experience with other operating systems. When asked if he was loyal to Microsoft Windows he replied, “I don’t think I have any loyalty to Microsoft or Windows. If there is something better for me for what I do out there, I will switch.” Jupiter went on to say he thinks with every new release of Windows, he feels they are progressively getting better. Jupiter then said that Windows can be unstable at times, but it really depends on how the computer is built and what it is being used for. Jupiter also mentioned that Windows really didn’t do a good job of keeping people’s computers secure and safe from vulnerabilities like viruses or spy ware until Windows XP service pack 2 was released (Reference5). As you can see, even experience professionals who extensively rely on the technology built into this operating system can find instabilities and vulnerabilities, but he was willing to endure that sacrifice due to the convenient ease of use Windows poses for him.

Michael Maeda, a network technician, who has been using Apple operating systems for 15 years, was willing to share his thoughts about Apple’s operating systems. Michael acknowledged he is a very loyal Apple enthusiast who believes Apple continuously improves the efficiency of their operating system with every release to include updates. He went on to say this is very important that Apple improves their efficiency with every release because as opposed to Windows, when Windows releases an update for their operating system it is merely a bug fix and they rarely add new features except with major releases. When asked what Michael liked best about Apple’s operating systems he replied, “The best feature of Apple operating systems is Apple’s attention to detail. Apple creates a complete solution with a stable operating system and hardware that looks and runs better than any competitors.” When asked about what he disliked most about Apple’s operating systems Michael replied, “Apple’s strength is also one of their greatest weaknesses.” Many argue that Apple should release their operating system for Intel processors and allow other hardware vendors to manufacture hardware compatible with the Macintosh operating system. This would create many compatibility problems with hardware and software. If Apple were to let other vendors build their hardware one of their greatest strengths is lost. The big question is whether the increased revenue would offset the loss of compatibility and stability.” Michael also noted that he is not reliant on Apple products, but he likes their operating systems because he believes Apple products allow their users to be more productive by providing a quality product. When asked if he believes Apple does a good job of keeping their computers safe and secure from vulnerabilities like viruses and spyware Michael admitted that there has not been any significant viruses or spyware created to attack the Macintosh operating systems, so it makes it easy for Apple to defend against (Reference 6). As you can see by this Apple enthusiast he relies on the company’s sacrifice and business decisions to make a quality product that keeps him loyal and more productive, setting him apart from his peers.

Apple’s OS X comes with apple script, iCal, iSync, and iChat AV preinstalled with the operating system to increase productivity of users. iCal is a handy calendar program that can help a user organize their life. iCal has some neat features about it that make it stand out amongst other calendar programs. The first unique feature is the alarm. The alarm will send an alarm to the user to remind them of a date or an event the user activated the alarm for. The next feature requires an activation of a .Mac account, but with it the user can then publish their calendar on the internet to allow them to share it with family or friends. Apple script takes advantage of OS X being built on a UNIX platform. Within Apple script users can perform tasks that could take up a lot of time if the user did not utilize the scripting. AppleScript can also perform fundamental image edits, such as cropping, scaling, rotation, and type conversion, without the need of other applications (Reference7). iChat AV is a messaging service that works with AOL Messenger to allow users to collaborate by sending and receiving files, messages, video, or voice chat. With using the streaming video features this allows a user to deliver a high quality video to the party or parties on the other end, making it easy to keep in touch with family, friends, or even colleagues. There can also be more than one person connected, making it easy to host a business videoconference.

For users who want to be more creative they can purchase an additional suite of applications called “iLife.” iLife consists of iPhoto, iMovie, iDVD, iTunes, and Garageband programs. The first program iPhoto is an excellent way for users to be able to import their photos and then they can organize them. Within iPhoto users have the ability to put their photos into a virtual album in which either the individual photos ore the photo album can actually purchase from Apple and it will be mailed to any address the user provides. A couple other features are the ability users have to e-mail their photos and also have them formatted to be displayed on an intranet or even the Internet. The second program iMovie gives the user the ability to import video in which it is converted into a digital format and then the user can create their own movies. iMovie makes developing movies easy, even for the most novice user by allowing a simple drag and drop so the user can choose the order of their sequence. Since iMovie provides an easy way for the user to plan the sequence of their movie, iDVD will actually help the user to format their DVD. The word “format” is being used loosely here because by formatting the DVD what is meant is the user can create their own menu or place music on the DVD if they choose. iDVD also supports many formats for DVD’s to include the newest technology of high definition and then the user can actually burn the disk. Garageband is a cool program for musicians by allowing them to actually record tracks of music and then mixing it by changing the speed or tone, all in one simple application. The last program of this suite is iTunes. iTunes is a program, which plays music either from a CD, DVD, MP3, MP4, or streaming format. Within iTunes there is iStore where a user can buy digital music as well. It is easy to see where a creative person can easily find these applications real attractive when they want to put their creative hat on (Reference8).

Much like programs within Microsoft office, Apple offers an incredible productivity suite called “iWork.” In contrast to Microsoft office having multiple applications in it, iWork includes only two applications; Keynote and Pages. PowerPoint is to Microsoft as Keynote is to Apple; however Keynote gives more themes for users to choose from and offers higher quality presentations. Keynote uses high “cinema” quality presentations to make even the most boring product look exciting while PowerPoint cannot offer as good of quality. Keynote is able to make any product look good by allowing for a variety of transitions, text effects, and animation controls. This in a sense puts the user in the director’s chair when they are putting their presentation together. Since Keynote aids the user with developing presentations, Pages aids the user with word processing. By any means do not underestimate this word processor. As opposed to Microsoft’s Word program, Pages includes different types of templates for different types of documents, anything ranging from newsletters, to envelopes, to resumes. Apple has already provided the layout, all the user has to provide is the text or images if they choose. If a user likes a certain template within Pages, but they do not like the layout, they have the freedom to change the layout as they see fit. Within Microsoft Word a user has to format documents manually and does not have the luxury as an Apple’s Pages user does. Pages is that is cross platform compatible where as Microsoft Word only works well with other Microsoft products. This means that documents created within pages can be opened with either Apple Works or even Microsoft Word (Reference9).

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If You’re Going to Live in the South, Know These Rules

1. That farm boy you see at the gas station did more work before
breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It”s called a “gravel road. ” No matter how slow you drive, you”re
going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. The red dirt — it”s called clay. Red clay. If you like the color
don”t wash your car for a couple weeks — it”ll be permanent.

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old.
Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don”t cry to us if a
flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little
13-inch trout you fish for — bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making
their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it”s not up
to your ear at the time.

8. No, there”s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak.
Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef”s Salad and pick off the two
pounds of ham and turkey.

9. Tea – yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is
sweet. You want it hot — sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened — add
a lot of water.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served
over ice.’, ‘
11. So you have a sixty thousand-dollar car. We”re real impressed. We
have a quarter of a million-dollar combine that we only use two weeks a
year.

12. Let”s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop
when it”s red. We may even stop when it”s yellow.

13. We eat dinner together with our families. We pray before we eat
(yeah, even breakfast). We go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays and we go
to high school football games on Friday nights. We still address our seniors
with “yes, sir” and “yes, ma”am, ” and we sometimes still take Sunday drives
around town to see friends and neighbors.

14. We don”t do “hurry up” well.

15. Greens – yeah, we have greens, but you don”t putt on them. You
boil them with salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.

16. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want sushi
and caviar? It”s available at the bait shop.

17. They are pigs. That”s what they smell like. Get over it. Don”t
like it? Interstate 85 goes two ways – Interstate 40 goes the other two.
Pick one.

18. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper
on them. If you want to put milk and sugar on them, then you want Cream of
Wheat – go to Kansas. That would be I-40 west.

19. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season or dove
season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage
before daylight at the church on either day.

20. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it”s called being
friendly. Understand the concept?

21. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don”t hit in the water hazards. It
spooks the fish and bothers the gators – and if you hit it in the rough, we
have these things called diamondbacks, and they”re not baseball players.

22. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving
like an idiot — his name is “Sir, ” no matter how young he is.

23. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You
park your Navigator under them, and they”ll leave a logo on your hood.

24. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No
questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature — all four of
them — enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2. 50 fine for
beating up the flag burner.

25. No, we don”t care how you do things up North. If it is so great
up there, why not visit a Northern state or stay there? And no, down here,
we don”t have an accent, you do.

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