“Hi Mom, How are you?” “Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware” “Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they’ve let me make one phone call” “What happened?” “Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head.” “What on earth ~ why did you do …
Category: Humor
Disorder in the American Courts
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What w as the first thing your husband said to …
English from Around the World
In a Bangkok Temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN. Cocktail lounge, Norway: LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR. Doctor’s office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. Dry cleaners, Bangkok: DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS. In a Nairobi …
Sportsman’s Double
I’ll confess, I ended up with an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a …
The Blokes Lunch
“A group of chaps, all age 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there were gorgeous, with tight skirts, perky breasts and nice bums. Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should …
Horse Races
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. ‘What was that for?’ the man asked. The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.’ The man then said ‘When I …
Which Do You Like?
A wife asked her husband: ‘What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?’ He looked at her from head to toe and replied: ‘I like your sense of humour!’
Fortune
A newly married man asked his wife, ‘Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?’ ‘Honey,’ the woman replied sweetly, ‘I’d have married you, no matter who left you a fortune!’
Bus Seat
Son: ‘Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.’ Mom: ‘Well, you have done the right thing.’ Son: ‘But mum, I was sitting on daddy’s lap.’
Stress Reliever
Girl: ‘When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.’ Boy: ‘It’s very kind of you, darling, but I don’t have any worries or troubles.’ Girl: ‘Well that’s because we aren’t married yet.’
Dinner
Wife: ‘Do you want dinner?’ Husband: ‘Sure! What are my choices?’ Wife: ‘Yes or no.’
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. ‘Quick,’ said the woman to the lover, ‘into the closet!’ and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious …
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, ‘Doc, I think I’m getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.’ ‘That’s not senility,’ replied the doctor. ‘Senility is when you forget to zip down.’
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. ‘I’m 90 years old,’ he says. ’90!’ replies the woman. ‘Don’t you realize you’ve had it?’ ‘Oh, sorry,’ says the old man. …
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: ‘I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.’ Priest: ‘Are …
Donation
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’ ‘It is!’ ‘This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?’ ‘I can!’ ‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’ ‘I do!’ ‘Is he a member of your congregation?’ ‘He is!’ ‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’ ‘He will.’
What’s in a name?
She named him Dick!
Irish Pastor
The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.. One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn’t happy about that! He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down …
The Blonde and the Lord
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “There are no fish under the …
Great to Grow Old
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living …
The New 2012 Ford
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault ‘Clio’ and the Ford ‘Taurus’ they have designed the ‘Clitaurus’. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won’t be able to find it – let alone turn it on – even if someone tells him …
Those Darn Pills
The sex between the wife and me had been a bit unsatisfying of late, So she told me, “Go to the pharmacy and get some of those pills that will help you to get an erection.” You can imagine her reaction when I came back from the drug store and tossed her the diet pills!……damn …
The New Italian Lamborghini Gallardo Police Car
The new Italian Lamborghini Gallardo police car at its unveiling ceremony, one of two new high speed patrol cars in the Italian police force, needed to catch speeding drivers: What a car! Pity they couldn’t find someone who could drive it… Mamma Mia!
Puns
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent. 2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.” 3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 4. A dyslexic …
Sensitive Men’s Stories
1. I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, “Morning.” He said, “No, just taking a shit”. 2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way, so …
The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says: “Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.” “Si, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon. …