Stupid Men at Work

The Worlds Shortest Psychiatric Joke

A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office, wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap……

The psychiatrist says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

Why Men Shouldn’t Write Advice Columns

Mature Motivational Posters

Paraprosdokian

I had to look up “paraprosdokian.” Here is the definition: “Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.” “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian.

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’

13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

22. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Let’s Offend Everyone

– I had just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage roll. A poor homeless man sat there and said ‘I’ve not eaten for two days’ I told him ‘I wish I had your f**king will power’.

– I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction ‘finish off on her face’ didn’t mean what I thought it did.

– I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently “Blacks” and “Paki’s” was not the correct answer.

– A fat girl served me food in McDonald’s at lunch time. She said ‘sorry about the wait.’ I said ‘don’t worry fatty, you’re bound to lose it eventually ‘

– I walked past an abo kid sitting at a Bus Stop as I came out of the Bank. He looked at me and said ‘Any Change’ I said ‘Nope! You’re still Black’

– Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!”

– An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks ‘What is wrong’?? The boy says ‘Me ma is dead’ ‘Oh bejaysus’ the man says ‘Do you want me to call Father O’Riley for you’?? The boy replies ‘No tanks mister, Sex is the last ting on my moind at the moment’.

– I have a new pick up line that works every time. It doesn’t matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them. Here’s how it goes ‘Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?’

– Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best!

– Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.

– I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself ‘I’m having that’

– Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him ‘Where am I?’ The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back ‘Ya canna kid me ya flash bastard. You’re in that feckin basket.’

– I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last question which I got wrong. The question was “Where do women have the curliest hair”?? The answer I should have given was “Fiji”

Bumper Sticker

If you voted for Obama in 2008 to prove you’re not a racist, vote for someone else in 2012 to prove you’re not an idiot.

Little Girl on a Plane

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.

“OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death, when you don’t know crap?”

And then she went back to reading her book.

Burial Question


I have just one question. Where did they bury the rest of him?

Lego Store

I walked by the Lego store and they had this in the window.

Interesting Car in Japan

I saw this crazy little one seater car today and thought it was interesting enough to take a photo of.

5 Minute Management Course

Lesson 1

A priest offered a Nun a lift…She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg…….The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’

The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 2

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish…’

‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk.. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..’ Poof! She’s gone.

‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.’ Poof! He’s gone.

‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 3

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’ The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 4

A turkey was chatting with a bull. ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’

‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull. It’s full of nutrients.’

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there…

Lesson 5

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. …. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

Sequoyah Birthplace Museum

Today I went to the Sequoyah birthplace museum near Vonore, Tennessee. This was a very interesting museum because it talked about Sequoyah and the Cherokee Indians. In the museum they talked about the Trail of Tears which relocated the Cherokee indians from Tennessee to Oklahoma. There was all sorts of artifacts and information. Here are my photos from that experience. If you are interested in visiting or learning more, please click this link: http://www.sequoyahmuseum.org

thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-1thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-2thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-3thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-4thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-5thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-6thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-7thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-8thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-9thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-10thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-11thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-12thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-13thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-14thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-15thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-16thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-17thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-18thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-19thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-20thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-21thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-22thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-23thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-24thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-25thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-26thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-27thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-28thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-29thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-30thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-31thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-32thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-33thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-34thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-35thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-36thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-37thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-38thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-39thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-40thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-41thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-42thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-43thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-44thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-45thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-46thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-47thekumachan_Sequoyah_birthplace_museum-48

Bar Upsmanship

Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, “As good as this bar is, I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there’s a wee place called McTavish’s. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he’ll buy the fifth drink.”

“Well, Angus,” said the Englishman, “At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.”

“Ahhh, dat’s nothin’,” said the Irishman, “back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they’ll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you’ve had enough drinks, they’ll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!”

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, “Did this actually happen to you?”

“Not meself, personally, no,” admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”

Fort Loudoun Tennessee


Stopped by Fort Loudoun in Tennessee to take a tour and see what life was like for the early settlers who manned the fort to protect the little Tennessee river.

Fun Facts

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on the left side of your mouth.

To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million individual flowers.

Heroin is the brand name of morphine once marketed by ‘Bayer’.

Communications giant Nokia was founded in 1865 as a wood-pulp mill by Fredrik Idestam.

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is considered an insult!

People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.

Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952, but he declined.

Astronauts can’t belch – there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas in their stomachs.

Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies often used urine as mouthwash.

The average person who stops smoking requires one hour less sleep a night.

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era, it was fashion to shave them off!

Because of the speed at which Earth moves around the Sun, it is impossible for a solar eclipse to last more than 7 minutes and 58 seconds.

The night of January 20 is “Saint Agnese’s Eve,” which is regarded as a time when a young woman dreams of her future husband.

There are over 25 million bubbles waiting to burst out of each bottle of Champagne.

Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros.

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

The heat of peppers is rated on the Scoville scale.

Gold is the only metal that doesn’t rust, even if it’s buried in the ground for thousands of years.

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or die of tobacco-related diseases.

When it originally appeared in 1886 – Coca Cola was billed as an Esteemed Brain Tonic and Intellectual Beverage.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

For every real Christmas tree harvested, two to three seedlings are planted in its place.

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn’t smoke unless it’s heated above 450° F.

The Shell Oil Company originally began as a novelty shop in London that sold seashells.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

Fish and Chip selling officially remained an offensive trade until 1940 due to the smell it produces.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.

Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are: Mizaru (See no evil), Kikazaru (Hear no evil) and Iwazaru (Speak no evil).

Warner Communications paid $28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet’s tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight. How do they know this?

Trivia in Roman mythology was the goddess who haunted crossroads, graveyards and was the goddess of sorcery and witchcraft. She wandered about at night, and was seen only by the barking of dogs who told of her approach. In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside. Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

It cost the soft drink industry $100 million a year for thefts committed involving vending machines.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth’s gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Men’s shirts have the buttons on the right, but women’s shirts have the buttons on the left.

Mickey Mouse is known as “Topolino” in Italy. Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

The painting that won second place in a competition held by the US

National Academy of Design was hanging upside down when it was judged.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator. For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off. The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

In 2011, July has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays, and 5 Sundays. This apparently happens once every 823 years!

A Night Out in Nashville

I spent a night out in Nashville, Tennessee tonight. First started by walking around to get an idea of the city. Then went over to Coyote Ugly to check out the scene in there. After that I ended up bar hopping to different locations that had different music, bands, and other entertainment. Here are the photos from this experience.

thekumachan_Nashville_TN-1thekumachan_Nashville_TN-2thekumachan_Nashville_TN-3thekumachan_Nashville_TN-4thekumachan_Nashville_TN-5thekumachan_Nashville_TN-6thekumachan_Nashville_TN-7thekumachan_Nashville_TN-8thekumachan_Nashville_TN-9thekumachan_Nashville_TN-10thekumachan_Nashville_TN-11thekumachan_Nashville_TN-12thekumachan_Nashville_TN-13thekumachan_Nashville_TN-14thekumachan_Nashville_TN-15thekumachan_Nashville_TN-16thekumachan_Nashville_TN-17thekumachan_Nashville_TN-18thekumachan_Nashville_TN-19thekumachan_Nashville_TN-20

The Fastest Thing

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’

The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.

‘That’s very good!’ replied Jennifer.
‘And, now you sir?’, she asked the second man.

‘Hmmm….let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened.. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’

‘Excellent!’ said Jennifer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.’ She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply..

‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch.. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. ‘It ‘s hard to beat the speed of light,’ she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’

‘WHAT!?’ said Jennifer, stunned by the response…

‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.’

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

Not a Butt Photo

You always think I show pictures of butts, but it is not true, here is the proof.

Planking

A Pirate Walks into a Bar…

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I’m fine, really.”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them crapped in my eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird shit.”

“It was my first day with the hook.”

Finger Monkeys

The finger monkey is the tiniest living primate in the world. It’s so small that it can hold on to your finger. This cute little primate hugs and grips on to your finger so tight that it pulls your heartstrings, and you wish you could take it home with you. Finger monkeys are, as a matter of fact, pygmy marmosets. They are also known by the names ‘pocket monkey’ and ‘tiny lion’. These primates belong to the family Callitrichidae, species Cebuella and genus C. pygmaea. They are native to rain-forests of Brazil, Peru, Bolivia, Ecuador and Colombia. (Source: Buzzle)



Coco Ichiban-ya Curry House

I went over to Coco Ichiban-ya curry house today. I absolutely love their curry. Here are a couple of different ways you can eat it. One is beef curry and the other is called “hire katsu curry.” Hire katsu curry simply means that it is hand made. The prices here are cheap and the food is delicious.

thekumachan_Coco_Curry_Japan-1thekumachan_Coco_Curry_Japan-2

Irish Golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer’s ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

‘Arrgh! What happened?’ the Leprechaun asked.

‘I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,’ the golfer says.

‘Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.

Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?’

‘Thank God, you’re all right!’ the golfer answers in relief. ‘I don’t want anything,

I’m just glad you’re OK, and I apologize.’

And the golfer walks off.

‘What a nice guy,’ the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things I would want….. a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.’

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. ‘Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,’ the little guy says. ‘I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?’

‘My game is fantastic!’ the golfer answers. I’m an internationally famous golfer now.’ He adds, ‘By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.’

‘Oh, I’m fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how’s yer money situation?’

‘Why, it’s just wonderful!’ the golfer states.

‘When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn’t even know were there!’

‘I did that fer ye also.’ And tell me, how’s yer sex life?’

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, ‘It’s OK.’

C’mon, c’mon now,’ urged the Leprechaun, ‘I’m wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?’

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, ‘Once, sometimes twice a week.’

‘What??’ responds the Leprechaun in shock.

‘That’s all? Only once or twice a week?’

‘Well,’ says the golfer, ‘I figure that’s not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

Things You Notice When You Are Old

I Ate Too Much

So tonight I went out to eat at a Japanese restaurant. I can’t tell you what the name of it is because I can’t read Kanji. As with most new restaurants I eat at I wasn’t sure what was good at this specific location. I ordered chyashu ramen (pork with noodles in a soup), gyoza (vegetables wrapped up in a thin skin and then fried), hoikoro (meat with some vegetables and some kind of sauce), and beer. The Japanese guys in the restaurant were making fun of me because the volume of food I ordered. I explained to them that I wasn’t sure what was good there so I just ordered some food and I would eat what I thought was good. I asked them why they liked that restaurant and they told me because it was cheap and delicious. I ended up eating everything I ordered because they were making fun of me. Then when it came time to pay, I was in line behind one of them and his total came to 975 yen ($12.10 USD) and I said, “Wow, that is cheap.” Then I went to pay and my total came to 1750 yen ($21.73 USD) and I said, “That’s not cheap at all.” Then the Japanese guys started laughing.

People Should Proof Read What They Print

For Those Who Love Computers

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, ‘If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.’

In response to Bill’s comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash………Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single ‘This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation’ warning light.

6. The airbag system would ask ‘Are you sure?’ before deploying.

7. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

8. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

9. You’d have to press the ‘Start’ button to turn the engine off.

10. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive.

PS – I ‘d like to add that when all else fails, you could call ‘customer service’ in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

He Folds Money and Lives in a Garbage Truck

This guy does origami with dollar bills and lives in a converted garbage truck. Won Park is the master of Origami. He is also called the “money folder”, a practitioner of origami whose canvas is the United States One Dollar Bill. Bending, twisting, and folding, he creates life-like shapes in stunning detail.

origami16origami1origami2origami3origami4origami5origami6origami7origami8origami9origami10origami11origami12origami13origami14origami15garbage_house9garbage_house1garbage_house2garbage_house3garbage_house4garbage_house5garbage_house6garbage_house7garbage_house8

Child’s Viewpoint is Best

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now She’s hitting the bottle.

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’

POLICE #1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

POLICE #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked. ‘It sure is,’ I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What’d he do?

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’ ‘And why not, darling?’ ‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.’

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. ‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out. ‘What have you got there, dear?’ With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adam’s underwear!’

Thief Suffers Slip and Fall Injuries