A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, ‘Hello – I think you are the father of one of my kids.’ Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, ‘Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?’
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’
A good lesson for all…
Bob’s wife caught him blow-drying his pecker this morning and asked him what the hell he was doing? Apparently, “heating up your breakfast” was not the right answer.
For the 1st time in their 3 year marriage, a wife asked if her husband would mind making the next day’s lunches for them both. Obligingly he agrees.
The next morning, the young wife asks her loving husband, ‘Where are our lunches honey?’
He replied, ‘I put them on the second shelf of the fridge.
My lunch is the one on the left, and yours is on the right.’
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.’
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months. ‘
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who is this Nookie Green?’
‘A new woman in the neighborhood,’ the sinner replied.
‘Very well,’ sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to reveal that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ‘Is that Nookie Green?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,….’No Father, I think it’s just a reflection from her shoes’..
While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, “I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?”
“Good question,” noted the CFO. “We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages.” “Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?” “Ah, yes,” replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster.” “I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
“Well,” he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?” “Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the CFO. “What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?”
The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus, over there?”
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down, and hollered, “Hey there honey! How’s about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?” He too looked across the restaurant and asked, “Isn’t that God’s boy over there?”
The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. “On my bill,” he said loudly.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him, and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”
The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and began to praise the Lord.
Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him, and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, and he to began to praised the Lord.
Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, “Don’t touch me … I’m on disability.”
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says, “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”,
“I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says, “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples???” , “DO IT!”
So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well,” so the nurse drinks that one as well.
Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey – its not that hard.”
A married couple goes to a marriage counselor to work out some problems. The counselor sits them down and says “Let’s start by talking about what you
both have in common.”
The husband says, “Well for starters, neither one of us will suck a dick.”
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
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I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit! I’m a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
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After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
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Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
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The only reason that they say, ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
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I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
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You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
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Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
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The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
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Lawyers believe that a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
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Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
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Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ W.H. Auden
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In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
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If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
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I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke
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Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
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Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
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As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
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If toast always lands butter-side down and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat?
~ Steven Wright
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America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
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The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
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If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters
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I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11.. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
12. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.
A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher said, “okay, but don’t go into that field over there…”, as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, “look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. “See this fucking badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want… On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!”
The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull…… With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs……
“Your Badge! Show him your fucking badge!”
What’s the difference between an illegal Mexican and E.T.? E.T. looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn’t claim benefits, had his own damn bike, and wanted to go home!
The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?”…. Apparently “Only to stop myself from coming too quickly” wasn’t the right answer.
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I screwed a girl named “Penny.” Is that spooky or what?
My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.
”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”
Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the heck out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.
She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day!
Got this text from my brother recently. It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol’ Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick….. It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”
A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they screwed my wife after only five beers!”
